How many Mormons Does it take to change a lightbulb?

Young Women: Only one but she has to say the theme first.

Relief Society: One to bring the doilies, ten to bring a salad or dessert, and one to change the lightbulb.

High Priests: One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the oxygen tank.

Anyone else: They change the light bulb while the ward clerk decides how much to refund them.

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park together when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the two men start to sexually assault them.Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, Forgive him Lord, he knows not what he is doing!Mary Elizabeth turns and says, Mine does…

And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man You want fries with that? And Man said, Super size them. And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.

And God said Try my crispy fresh salad.

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits and shredded cheese.

And there was ice cream for dessert. And Woman gained pounds.

And God said I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.

And God said You are running up the score, Devil. And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said It is good.

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery…

And Satan created HMOs.

Three
men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial
was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same
kind of fruit. So

all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I
brought ten apples." The king then explained
the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits
up your butt without any expression on your face or
youll be eaten."
The first apple went in… but on the second one
he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought
to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…
and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and
was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The
first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost
got away with it?" The second one replied, "I
couldnt help it, I saw the third guy coming with
pineapples."

Poor Jim is killed in a Boston automobile accident, but happily he goes to heaven where he gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.

Sure. Go right ahead, says the Almighty.

OK, Jim says, Why did you make women so pretty?

So you would like them, God replies.

All right then, Jim nods, but come you made them so nice and soft and curvey?

So you would LOVE them, God replies.

Jim ponders a moment and then asks, But why did you make them such air heads?

God replies, So THEY would love YOU!

Big Daddys Rap – The Lords Prayer

Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, – Our Father, who art in heaven

You be chillin – Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood – Thy Kingdom come

You be sayin it, I be doin it – Thy will be done

In this here hood and yos – On earth as it is in heaven

Gimme some eats – Give us this day our daily bread

And cut me some slack, Blood – And forgive us our trespasses

Sos I be doin it to dem dat diss me – As we forgive those who trespass against us

Dont be pushing me into no jive – And lead us not into temptation

and keep dem Crips away – But deliver us from evil

Cause you always be da Man – For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.

aiight

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, Im not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, Id feed him.

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, Well, Im not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldnt feed him all the hay.

Forest Gump goes to heaven…The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. St. Peter says,
Well, Forrest, its certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and weve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short and you have to pass before you can get into heaven.1) What days of the week begin with the letter T?2) How many seconds are there in a year?3) What is Gods first name?Forrest says, Well, the first one – how many days in the week begin
With the letter T?
That ones easy.
Thatd be Today and Tomorrow.The Saints eyes open wide and he exclaims!!
Forrest, thats not what I was thinking, but …..
Ill give you credit for that answer.How about the second one? asks St. Peter.
How many seconds in a year?Now that ones harder, says Forrest, but I thunk and thunk and guess the only answer can be twelve.Astounded, St. Peter says, Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heavens name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?Shucks, theres gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.Hold it, interrupts St. Peter. I see where youre going with this, and Ill have to give you credit for that one, too. Lets go on with the next and final question.Can you tell me Gods first name?Sure Forrest replied, ITS ANDY.Andy?! exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?That was the easiest one of all, Forrest replied.ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and said: Run, Forrest, run.

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?

Yes, the professor ansvered. When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.

Well, said the gatekeeper. That is a very minor sin. You may enter.

Thank you very much, Saint Peter, the professor ansvered.

Im am not Saint Peter, said the gatekeeper. He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.

Christ did not say Kill trees for Christmas.