A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didnt need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. Im blessing it the priest replied.The rabbi replied Oh, then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sundays sermon he told them, If one more person confesses
to adultery, Ill quit!

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word fallen
instead. From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had
fallen. This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and
everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed
away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the
mayor. The priest was quite concerned, You have to do something about
the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You cant believe how many people
come into the confessional talking about having fallen!

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their
code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the
mayor and said, I dont know why youre laughing; your wife fell
three times last week!

Jesus died for my sins, and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt.

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water. They build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary cant believe it!

He says, Whats wrong with you? Were being boiled alive! Theyre gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?

The other missionary says, I just peed in the soup!

Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave – time outs, notes home, missed recesses – but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there. The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing. The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home asked, "what happened in there?" The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

Collards is green

my dogs name is Blue

and Im so lucky

to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk

a-flapping in the breeze

Softer than Blues

and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,

which excite me in May.

You aint got no scales

but I luv you anyway.

Yore as satisfyn as okry

jist a-fryn in the pan.

Yore as fragrant as snuff

right out of the can.

You have soma yore teeth,

for which I am proud;

I hold my head high

when were in a crowd.

On special occasions,

when you shave under yore arms,

well, Im in hawg heaven,

and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,

they all want to know,

what I did to deserve

such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape

yore there fer yore man,

to patch up lifes troubles

and fix what you can.

Yore as cute as a junebug

a-buzzin overhead.

You aint mean like those far ants

I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth

like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life

more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight

like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete;

Aint nuttin I lack.

Yore complexion, its perfection,

like the best vinyl sidin.

despite all the years,

yore age, it keeps hidin.

Me n yous like a Moon Pie

with a RC cold drank,

we go together

like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate

for Valentines Day;

They git it at Wal-Mart,

its romantic that way.

Some men git roses

on that special day

from the cooler at Kroger.

Thats impressive, I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds

from a flea market booth.

Diamonds are forever,

they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,

these wont do.

Cause yore too special,

you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,

without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds…

Its a new trollin motor!!

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.

Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one
out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a
pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on The Ten
Commandments.

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his
hand vigorously, and told him I want to thank you preacher for saving my
soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon
on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.

Preacher: You mean the commandment I shall not steal changed your
mind?

Old Man: No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I
remember where I left my old hat!

One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on.

He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time.

When she returned she told God, yes, it was bad on earth – 95 percent of people were bad and only 5 percent were good.

Well, God thought for a moment and said that maybe he had better send down a male angel and so get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him down to earth for a time.

When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him – yes, the earth was in decline. Ninety-five percent were bad and 5 percent were good.

God said that this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5 percent of people that were good to encourage them and give them something to help keep them going.

Do you know what the letter said?

Oh, so you didnt get one either?

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates? he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

I was a good father, he answers.

Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here.

Sign outside a church in New York City :

Todays Sermon:

Do Not Be Deceived

By Rev. Arthur McConnel