A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunks shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, Father, what causes arthritis? Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man, the priest replied. Imagine that, the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: Im sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? I dont have arthritis, Father, the drunk said, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.

One day a cat died of natural causes and went to heaven. There he met the Lord Himself. The Lord said to the cat, You have lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable please let me know. The cat thought for a moment and said, Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor. The Lord stopped the cat and said, Say no more and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appeared. A few days later six mice were killed in a tragic farming accident and went to heaven. Again there was the Lord to greet them with the same offer. The mice answered, Lord, all of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we dont have to run anymore? Instantly the Lord fitted each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates. About a week later, the Lord stopped by to see the cat and found him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently woke the cat and asked, How are things for you since coming to heaven? The cat stretched, yawned, and replied, Lord, it is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. Especially those meals on wheels youve been sending by — they are the best!!!

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they dont know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.The doctor says to the woman, I know what well do. After Ive operated on the priest, Ill give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.Do you think it will work? she asks the doctor.Its worth a try, he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, Father, youre not going to believe this.What? says the priest. What happened?You gave birth to a child.But thats impossible!I just did the operation, insists the doctor. Its a miracle! Heres your baby.About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, Son, I have something to tell you. Im not your father.The son says, What do you mean, youre not my father?The priest replies, Im your mother. The archbishop is your father.

It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man,
Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.

No problem, the man says. I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give
up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldnt you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didnt die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.

The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces,
OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, and lets him in.

A few seconds later the next guy comes up.

Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.

The man says, No problem. But youre not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didnt die right away. As Im laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.

I could get used to this new policy, he thinks to himself. Very well, the angel announces, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task.
OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.

The man says, OK, picture this. Im naked inside this refrigerator. . .

Dont blame God – hes only human.

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is, to shake hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, You need to join the Army of the Lord!

My friend replied, Im already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.

Pastor questioned, How come I dont see you except at Christmas and Easter?

He whispered back, Im in the secret service.

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mothers broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.

He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.

She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didnt want to go out to get the broom.

His mother smiled and said The Lord is out there too, dont be afraid. The little boy opened the back door a little and said Lord if youre out there, hand me the broom.

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunks shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, Father, what causes arthritis?

Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man, the priest replied.

Imagine that, the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: Im sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

I dont have arthritis, Father, the drunk said, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does!

A priest was in the confessional booth with a fairly long line of people waiting for their confession. The priest had to go to the bathroom something awful and couldnt hold it for another minute. Not wanting to upset all of the people in line, he frantically looked out the back door for another priest to help him out but there wasnt a priest to be found.Suddently the janitor pushed his broom past the back of the booth and the priest grabbed him and said, You just gotta help me out. I have to go to the bathroom and the line is so long.Its very simple, said the Priest. There on the wall is a chart … column A lists the sins and column B lists the penance. Just find the sin on the chart and tell them what their penance is.The janitor agreed that it sounded pretty simple and wanted to help the holy Father so he agreed to fill in for the priest in the booth while the priest hurried away to the bathroom.The very next person in line entered the booth and began … Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Its been two weeks since my last confession. Last night I let my next door neighbors wife give me a blow job. Thats it, Father.The janitor looked at the chart but got frantic when he couldnt find blow job anywhere on the chart. Panicking, he opened the back door to look for a priest but there was still not a priest to be found.Suddenly, the altar boy walked by and the janitor grabbed him and stammered, Quick, what does the father give for a blow job?Two snickers and a Coke, replied the boy.

…about the doctor, engineer, and programmer who were debating what the
worlds oldest profession was (other than the obvious one)? The doctor
said that medicine was the oldest because the Lord performed surgery in
the removal of Adams rib. The engineer countered that before that act,
the Lord had performed feats of engineering by creating the earth and
heavens from nothing.

The doctor conceded that the engineer was right and that engineering was
indeed the oldest profession. But then the programmer interjected that
programming was even older. He was chided by both the doctor and the
engineer saying that engineering had to be the oldest, because before the
Lord engineered the earth and heavens, there was nothing, only the Great
Void, only Chaos!

The programmer simply smiled and said:

Where do you think the Chaos came from?