The Fund Raising Problems of Father Murphy

Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish. He asked for
suggestions as to how he could raise money for his church. He was
told that horse owners always had money so ho went to a horse auction,
but he made a very poor buy, as the horse turned out to be a donkey.
However, he thought that he might as well enter the donkey in a race.

The donkey came in third, and the next day the headlines in the
paper read, Father Murphys Ass Shows. The archbishop saw the paper
and was very displeased. The next day, the donkey came in first and the
headlines read Father Murphys Ass out front. The Archbishop was up
in arms and figured that something had to be done.

Father Murphy entered the donkey for the third time and this time
this time it came in second. Now the headlines read Father Murphys
Ass back in place. The Archbishop thought this too much so he forbad
the priest to enter the donkey the next day, which inspired the editor
to write Archbishop Scratches Father Murphys Ass. Finally, the
Archbishop heard this and ordered Father Murphy to get rid of the
donkey. So he gave it to Sister Agatha for a pet. Now the headlines
read Nun Owns Best Ass in Town. When the archbishop heard this, he
ordered her to dispose of the animal at once, so she sold it for ten
dollars. The next day the headlines read Sister Agatha Peddles Her
Ass for Ten Dollars.

They buried the Archbishop.

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what be wants.

SL: Its logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and Ill go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical and Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical. Thank Cod you are here. Tell us what happened.

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my habit up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isnt it logical, Sister? A nun with her habit up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And you thought this was a dirty joke…

A rabbi on a TV program mentioned that he had compiled a list of
four hundred sins. He received millions of requests for his list,
mostly from people who wanted to find out what they were missing.

-Sam Levenson

Different people look for different things in the Ten Commandments.
Some are looking for divine guidance, some for a code of living, but
most people are looking for loopholes.

-Sam Levenson

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter
concluded that the behavior of President Clinton and Rep. Condit had
brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain storming Êsession to try to settle on
the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should
have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that theÊeleventh commandment
should be:

Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.

If Man were meant to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
10 disciples.

Theres a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A
friend approaches him and asks, Why the long face, Ralph?

Oh, Im just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and
theres just nothing left to challange me.

His friend says, No, you cant know everyone. Do you know Frank Sinatra?

He says, Sure, Franks an old friend of mine. Here, Ill show you. He
goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears, Hey Ralph,
how ya doing?

He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure
that it was Frank Sinatra on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he
knows Bill Clinton.

Ralph says, Sure, me and Billy go way back. This time he lets him
listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like Bill on the other
end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic
scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the converstation to a
close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up.

His friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. Well, there must be
someone that you dont know. He goes over a few more people in his mind,
and thinks, He cant possibly know the Pope. After all, hes a
Protestant. But Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise,
his friend desides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get
positive proof of Ralphs conviction.

So they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out
in the Papal square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. Hes
standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the
private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph.

Ralph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs
down to see what can be done for him. What happened to you? Couldnt you
accept the fact that I really do know the Pope?

No, Id begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath
away was some stranger standing next to me who said, Whos that guy
standing there with Ralph?

A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said, Welcome. Is there anything you didnt have on Earth that I can get for you, here in Heaven?.

The cat thought for a moment and said, Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard floor, could I get a warm soft bed?. St. Peter arranged for it.

Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question, and the mice thought a moment and said, Yes, we were always running on Earth, could we get roller skates here in heaven? St. Peter of course granted their wish.

About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked his bed. The cat said, I like it alot, but I really enjoy those Meals on Wheels.

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says No, please show me the next room.

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

So the guy says, Ill choose this room. Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, Well, it could be worse, when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!

Source: Passed to me by a colleague at the University of Idaho

Did you hear the one about the day Oral Roberts, Jerry Falwell and Robert
Schuler were driving to a big tent meeting together? Unfortunately,
they were involved in a terrible accident and all three were killed.
As you might expect they all ascended into heaven and came to standing in
front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted them and welcomed them to
heaven. Then he started to hem and haw around and finally explained that
they hadnt any advance notice of this situation and so werent quite
prepared for three so illustrious and holy men. He explained how all
three of them qualified for the very finest accommodations heaven had to
offer including very large and splendid mansions, but they werent quite
ready so would they mind waiting a few days?

They replied that they wouldnt mind waiting, but were they just going
to have to stand there for several days? St. Peter said no, he
believed he could arrange temporary quarters for them in Hell. Sometimes
Satan was willing to help out in emergencies, whereupon he placed a call
to Brother Satan and made the arrangements. They descended into Hell.

Noon on the fourth day after their descent St. Peter gets a frantic
phone call from the Devil demanding that he remove these three guys from
hell immediately. St. Peter couldnt believe his ears and asked what
could possibly be wrong with these three upstanding people.

The Devil replied, They are ruining my place down here. In less than
four days Jerry Falwell has saved everybody, Oral Roberts has healed
everybody, and Robert Schuler has raised enough money to air condition
the whole damn place!!