In a startling announcement, Pat Robertson reveals that a careful
reading of the Book of Revelation indicates that the appointed day for
the rapture has already come and gone.

Apparently, said a spokesman, God decided not to take anyone
except Madelyn Murray OHair.

(Heard this one from a minister at a pre-wedding party:)

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the
street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they
decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it
home and parked it in the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling
water on their new car. It didnt need a wash, so he ran out and asked
the priest what he was doing. Im blessing it, the priest replied.

The rabbi replied Oh, then he ran back into the synagogue. He
reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut
off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded IU flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Bobby," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue flag and, in every window, a Boilermaker logo.Bobby looked at God and said "God, Im not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+ games and I even went to the hall of fame. Sowhy does Gene Keady get a better house than me?"God chuckled, and said "Bobby, thats not Gene Keadys house, its mine!"

Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf.
A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in
which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes.

At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71.
He says to them, How come you all play such good golf?

The lead rabbi said, When you live a religious life, join and attend
temple, you are rewarded.

Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a
temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives
a holy life.

About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a
104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, Okay, I joined a temple,
live a religious life and Im still shooting lousy.

The lead rabbi said to him, What temple did you join?

He said, Beth Shalom.

The rabbi retorted, Schmuck! That ones for tennis!

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car
accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he
could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped
for in life, and they still desired wedded union.

He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were
married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and
said, We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have
irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?

Are you kidding? said St. Peter. It took me a hundred years to get a priest
up here to marry you. I will never get a lawyer!

I consider Wal-Mart to be Gods gift to shoppers. Here are the similarities I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.

Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates

Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors

Heaven: Eternal

Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours

Heaven: Where old people go when they expire

Wal-Mart: Where old people go when they retire

Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God

Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone

Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God

Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers

Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin

Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint

Heaven: motto – EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully

Wal-Mart: motto – EDLP = Every day low prices

Heaven: Sam Walton — now a resident!

Wal-Mart: Sams choice cola — now on sale!

A priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as
well go ahead and enter it in the races.

To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PRIESTS ASS SHOWS.

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read:

PASTORS ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTORS ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer
for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it
could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

God made the world in six days, and on the seventh she was sued for
not filing an environmental impact statement.

A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.

The teacher answered quickly, That would be the Titanic. St. Peter let her through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didnt REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: How many people died on the ship?

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered almost immediately, 1,228.

Thats right! You may enter.

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and said, Name them.

Ill get a world record for this.
Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
Hey theres no handles inside these car doors!
Gee, thats a cute tattoo.
Lets ask that group of basketball players for directions.
Heres my Kent state student ID.
Its fireproof.
Hes probably just hibernating.
What does this button do?
Im making a citizens arrest.
Can we get a vision plan?
So, youre a cannibal.
Its probably just a rash.
Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?
Are you sure the power is off?
Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
No, my shoes arent untied.
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
What duck?
What do you mean, Ill be back?
Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
Ive seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
Ill hold it and you light the fuse.
Whats that priest doing here?
You look just like Charles Manson.
Let it down slowly.
Rat poison only kills rats.
I hope they speak English.
OK, Ill go ahead and make your day.
It cant possibly rain for forty days and nights.
Ill get your toast out.
Give me liberty or give me death.
Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
Its strong enough for both of us.
That birthmark on your head looks like 999.
This doesnt taste right.
I can make this light before it changes.
Nice doggie.
I can do that with my eyes closed.
Ive done this before.
Well weve made it this far.
Thats odd.
Hey thats not a violin.
Ill just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
I dont think were in Kansas anymore.
You wouldnt hit a guy with glasses on, would you.
OK this is the last time.
Dont be so superstitious.
Now watch this.
This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.