This other guy walks into confession and admits to the priest that he had
engaged in oral sex. The priest being quite new at this confession business
tells the man he doesn know what type of pennance to give him for his sin
so hell call the Holiness in Rome and ask him. The priest calls the Holiness
and asks what he normally gives for a blow job to which the Holiness replies,
40,000 lyra!

They were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They
asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he met his fate. The
priest said that he would like to face up so he would be looking towards heaven
when he died. They raised the blade of the guillotine, released it, it came
speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. The authorities
took this as divine intervention and released the priest.

Next the drunkard came to the guillotine. He also decided to die face up hoping
that he would be as fortunate as the priest. They raised the blade of the
guillotine, released it, it came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches
from his neck. So they released the drunkard as well.

The engineer was next. He too decided to die facing up. They slowly raised the
blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer said, Hey, I see what your
problem is.

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The mans tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked Say Father, what causes arthritis? The priest replies My son, its caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man Well Ill be darned the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. Im sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

I dont have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. Oh Lord, prayed the missionary, Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion.

And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: Oh Lord, he prayed, I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive.

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my back bumper and Im glad I did.

What an uplifting experience followed. That bumper sticker really worked!!

I found lots of people who loved Jesus.

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.

He must REALLY love Jesus because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled JESUS CHRIST! as loud as he could.

It was like a football game with him shouting, GO!…JESUS CHRIST!…GO! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out the window and smiled and waved to all those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I heard him yell something about a sunny beach and saw him waving with only his middle finger.

I asked my kids what he meant by that and they laughed and said it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started running towards me!

I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed so I stepped on the gas.

Its a good thing that I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.

I looked back and everyone was still standing there so I leaned way out the window and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!

Three old men stood at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper asked the first man How many times have you cheated on your wife.
The first man said I was married for 50 years and I never cheated on my wife.
The gatekeeper gave the man a Rolls Royce to drive across the bridge into heaven. Then he asked the second man How many times have you cheated on your wife?
The second man said I was married for 50 years and I cheated on my wife one time. So the gatekeeper gave him a Honda and he started off across the bridge into heaven. Then he asked the last man How many times have you cheated on your wife
The last man said I was married for 50 years and I cheated on my wife 5 times.
The gatekeeper gave the man a Pinto and the man started across the bridge.
A while down the road the man in the Pinto and the man in the Honda saw the Rolls Royce pulled off to the side of the road with the driver standing beside it crying. When they pulled over to ask him what was wrong he said:
I just saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard!

Working for the lord doesnt pay well,
but the retirement plan is the greatest.

-Sam Levenson

The only thing that separates us from the animals
is mindless superstition and pointless rituals.

A minister told his congregation, Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.

One day there was a knock on the Popes office door.

When he answered it, the salesman said, Hello, my management team would like to discuss a proposal with you. After taking a seat in his office, the salesman said, I am with Kentucky Fried Chicken. We would like to offer you a contract to the church if you can change the Lords blessing from Give us this day our daily bread to daily chicken.

The Pope said, Im sorry we just cannot do that. The salesman went back to his office where he discussed the outcome of the meeting.

He returned to the Popes office a week later with the same proposal, only he had upped the bid to 4 million. The Pope gently declined, again.

The next week he came again and offered the Pope an offering of 10 million.

The Pope said, Let me think it over.

The Pope then called a meeting with the elders of the church and said, Well gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. Kentucky Fried Chicken has generously offered us 10 million dollars to change the Lords Prayer from daily bread to daily chicken. The bad new is that we will lose the Wonder Bread Contract.