A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their freedom. As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, I dont know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize.

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the
weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest
explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back
and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle
he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same,
except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the
money that landed inside the circle god kept.
The rabbi said, Ive got you both beat. I throw the money
into the air and what god wants, god takes.

What is Jim Baker now preaching?

-Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff.

Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus

10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.

9. Beer doesnt tell you how to have relations with the opposite sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They dont force beer on minors who cant think for themselves.

6. When you have a beer, you dont knock on peoples doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobodys ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of beer.

4. You dont have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer.

3. There are laws saying beer labels cant lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a beer.

1. If youve devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.

Bible salesmen
This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of
selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first
came in and said, I want to sell Bibles for you. OK, youre hired. Heres your kit; go sell!

The second came in and said, I want to sell Bibles for you. OK, youre hired!
Heres your kit; go sell!

The third came in and said, I- i – I wa – wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi – bi – bi –
Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!

"No, I am terribly sorry" says the man, this will never work! You cant sell Bibles
for me!
The applicant replied, B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I
really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!

As there were no other applicants and he felt sorry for him, the man said, OK, Ill give you
one shot at this!"

At the end of the day, the first applicant comes back and reports, I sold 8 Bibles today. The second reports: I sold 11 Bibles
today. The third worker reports, To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!
"Wow," says the boss. "Thats
incredible, however, I want you to sell even more Bibles tomorrow."

At the end of the next day, the first worker comes in and reports, Today, I sold 32 Bibles. The second worker reports, I sold 44
Bibles today The third worker reports, To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles.

Fantastic, said the boss. Getting curious how he can make such great sales
with his speaking problem, he asks him what his sales technique is.
I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk
up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they
want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b–b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi – want to buy a Bi–b–a – a- abi – buy a to buy a
Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to ***READ*** it to em?

There are more jokes like this at http://humorshack.com

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I cannot accept,

And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the arse that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100 percent at work… 12 percent on Monday, 23 percent on Tuesday, 40 percent on Wednesday, 20 percent on Thursday and 5 percent on Fridays.

And help me to remember that… When Im having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown, And only four to extend my middle finger and tell them to swivel.

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. Sorry, but you cant take your wealth with you. The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, Hold on, you cant bring that in here! But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, Youre right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but Im supposed to check its contents before letting it through.

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, You brought pavement?!!!

A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on a vacation so he asked the man to take over while he was away. God told the man to give everyone a test before letting them into heaven. God leaves and a man comes floating up and says, Please let me in to heaven. The other man says, I have to give you a test first. The man coming into heaven says, Oh jeez Im not too good at tests! The other man says, Spell LOVE The man spells it, and he is let into heaven. Then a woman comes floating up and says, Please let me into heaven, and the man replies, Only if you pass this test. The woman says, Oh no, Im not very good at tests. The man says, Your test is to spell LOVE. She spells it correctly, and is let into heaven. The next person that comes floating up is the mans wife. She says, OK honey, let me in to heaven. The man says, I have to give everyone a test before I let them in to heaven. She says, OK, make it an easy one!!! Then the man says, Spell Hemorrhoid.

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, Do you think theres baseball in heaven?

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, I dunno. But lets make a deal: if I die first, Ill come back and tell you if theres baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, Sol… Sol…

Sol responds, Abe! Is that you?

Yes it is, Sol, whispers Abes ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, So, is there baseball in heaven?

Well, says Abe, Ive got good news and bad news.

Gimme the good news first, says Sol.

Abe says, Well… there is baseball in heaven.

Sol says, Thats great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?

Abe sighs and whispers, Youre pitching on Friday.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, Im done for.

There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: No youre NOT! Pick up that stone in front of you and hit the chief on the head!

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to kill the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: Okay… NOW youre done for!