A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the shores of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast Guard.

I always knew God would take care of us, said the composed five year old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home.

I like to hear you say that, beamed the mother. Always remember that God is in his heaven watching over us.

Oh, I wasnt talking about that God, the five year old interrupted.

I was talking about the COAST God.

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.



The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?

The old man replied, No problem at all, Priest.

Congratulations! Welcome to the church! said the priest.



The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks? The middle-aged man replied, The first week was not too bad.

The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it.

Congratulations! Welcome to the church, said the priest.



The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks? No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks, the young man replied sadly.

What happened? inquired the priest.



My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it said the young man.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.

You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church stated the priest.



We know, said the young man. Were not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either…

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
Life begins, said the priest, at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus.
We believe, said the minister, that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin.
Youre both wrong, said the rabbi. Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates:

In honour of this holy season, Saint Peter said, you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, Theyre bells. Saint Peter said You may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of womens panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, And just
what do those symbolize?

The man replied, Theyre Carols.

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her. Adam answered, Yes, Lord, but what is a kiss?

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.

And the Lord replied, Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, Id like you to caress Eve. And Adam said, What is a caress? So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, Lord, that was even better than the kiss.

And the Lord said, Youve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve. And Adam asked, What is make love, Lord? So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, Lord, what is a headache?

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call; Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. Im going to do something Ive never done before in your case; Im going to let you decide where you want to go.

Bill replied, well, whats the difference between the two? St. Peter said, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.

Fine, but where should I go first?

Ill leave that up to you.

Okay then, said Bill, Lets try Hell first.

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. This is great! he told St. Peter. If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!

Fine, said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. Hmmm. I think Id prefer Hell, he told St. Peter.

Fine, retorted St. Peter, as you desire.

So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. Hows everything going? he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?

That was a demo, replied St. Peter.

Father OFlannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peters gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?
The man responds My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York City Taxi driver for 14 years
Very well, says St. Peter, Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord.
St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks What is your name and what did you accomplish?
He responds, Im Father OFlannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord.
Very well, says St. Peter, Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter.
Wait a minute, says OFlannagan, You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?
Well, St. Peter replied, We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

Come with me, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

Wow, thank you, said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

Wait, I think you are a little mixed up, said the priest. Shouldnt I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached Gods word.

Yes, thats true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.

A priest and a nun were traveling through the desert when there camel died
suddenly.

Alone and in the middle of nowhere they decided to sit and wait
for help to come.

During the night they talked about stories of there life
and what they had and hadnt done with their life. It is then that the
preist asks the nun if she has ever had sex the nun replies no. So the
preist brings up the suggestion that since they are alone and in the middle
of nowhere and could possibly die that perhaps they should try it.

Upon
agreement the Priest flops out his pecker and says to the nun This is the
staff of life, it brings life to the dead.

In response the nun
replies, good go screw that dead camel so we can get the hell out of here.

This cabdriver is having an affair with a married woman.
So theyre making love in the afternoon while the husband is supposedly
at work, when suddenly a car pulls up in the driveway. The woman
exclaims, Oh my god! My husband is home early! You have to get out
of here, hes a weightlifter and hell break every bone in your body!

Well, the cabdriver is terrified and runs out of the bedroom. A moment
later the husband comes bursting into the room, yelling, All right,
I know youve been fooling around, where is he? As hes running around
the house looking for the guy, through the kitchen window he sees a
cab driving away. Hes so angry he picks up the refrigerator and
hurls it out the window at the cab! Unfortunately, he misses, and
even more unfortunately, he suffers a triple hernia and dies on the
spot.

The next thing he knows hes standing in line, waiting to get into heaven.
When he gets to the front of the line, St. Peter asks him how he died,
he explains, and he is admitted. Next, please, says St. Peter. And
how did you die, sir?

Well, says the cabbie, I was hiding in this refrigerator when …

Dave Wagner
University of Washington Comp Sci Department