Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of
Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of
agitation. Father! she cried, just wait until you hear this!

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, Now just calm
down and tell me what has you so excited? Well, father the nun
began, I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard
some of the older boys wagering money!

A serious infraction, indeed! said the priest.

But thats not what
has me so excited, father replied the nun, it was WHAT they were
wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate
the highest on the wall!!

What an incredible wager! exclaimed the priest, What did you do?

Well, I hit the ceiling, father.

How much did you win?

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.

They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since
it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the
water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying
their freedom. As they were crossing an open area, who should come along
but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered
their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the
minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than
his privates. The rabbi replied, I dont know about you, but in MY
congregation, its my face they would recognize.

When Mother Teresa died she went straight to heaven.
Upon her arival
St. Peter informed her that theyve been expecting her.
She was the given her Angel wings for all the great work she did on earth
and her angel Halo.

Later on that day Mother Teresa was walking around heaven when she saw Princess
Diana with an even bigger Halo!.

Teresa got pissed off, and went to see St. Peter, and asked After all of
my years sacrificing for the poor and the needy, I get a Halo this
small.
But Diana only took a couple of pictures with some stupid landmind kids
and got an even bigger Halo than me.

St. Peter replied, Thats not a Halo… Thats the steering wheel…

What did God say to Eve when he caught her swimming?

Get thee out of the water
woman, I never will get that smell out of the fish.

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His
answer?
3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.

Joe and his two friends freinds accidentally die in a car wreck and go to Heaven. They see and angel and she tells them that they can do anything they want but warns them not to step on the pink clouds.

So one day, one of Joes friends goes and steps on the pink cloud, and a really ugly gal pops up and says, I have to follow you for the rest of eternity.

Joes other friend, assuming that the ugly gal is out of the way, steps on a pink cloud, and once again a really ugly gal pops up and tells him you have she has to follow him for the rest of eternity.

One day, Joes two freinds are walking around and they see you with a really hot gal, so they run up to you and the say, Hey man! How did you get this really hot gal?

She turns around and says, I stepped on a pink cloud.

Three nuns die and go to heaven. They are met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who tells them they led such good lives they will be permitted to return to earth as anyone they want.The first nun thinks it over and says Id like to return as Sophia Loren.St. Peter says Fine, you can return as Sophia Loren.The second nun thinks and says Id like to be Gina Lollobrigida.St. Peter says No problem, you can return as Gina Lollobrigida.The third nun says I think Id like to be Virginia Pipeline.St. Peter says, Hmmm, I dont think I know of anyone named Virginia Pipeline?At which point the third nun shows him the headline from the morning paper: Virginia Pipeline Laid by 25 Men

An original of mine.

A business man is packing for a trip. He glances in his
briefcase, then calls to his wife.

Honey.

Yes, darling? she replies.

Honey, he says, in mild exasperation, why do you persist
in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip?
You know I only have eyes for you. Id never be unfaithful.

Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you, she replies sweetly,
Its just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases
out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything
did happen, youd be protected. So please, darling, take it with
you, wont you? For my sake?

Oh, alright, if you put it that way, he relented, Ill do
it for you. But for heavens sake, give me more than ONE!

Students from the local Catholic high school completed a 26 hour Charity Marathon run. Officials said the run accomplished two goals; first, to raise money for police and firefighters and second, to get as far away from the parish priest as possible.