These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

123. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, Okay, guys, you can come out now.

Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.

For fainting: rub the persons chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.

15. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

5. Buy a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

67. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

143. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. In English, he said, A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.

A voice from the back of the room piped up, Yeah, right.

31. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CANT HEEEEEEAR YOU!

32. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

33. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

34. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

35. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

36. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

37. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

38. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about that bug I picked up in the field.

39. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lectures over when the bottles done.

40. Growl constantly and address students as matey.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

135. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, Dont do that.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

103. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.