See how many of these you hear this year!

Here are my FAVORITE top ten Christmas Quotations

My God, Aint Sally, dont use the BUTTER KNIFE to spread that oleo on your own damn bread!

Why is it that **MY** children always has to drink out of the jelly glasses?

Id just love for all yall to come to **MY** place next Christmas, but Im afraid there aint room for all of us in that little tiny trailer.

Well, I got it at Sears. If it dont fit, Im sure theyll be glad to swap it for you for a larger size. I just dint realize you waz wearing a ***24W*** already.

What the hell am I supposed to do with T*H*I*S? Didnt anybody git me any white socks?

I dont EVER put olives on MY deviled eggs. I just dont know why anybody would! Skeeters allergic to olives, aint you, Skeeter? Why, yes, you are so! You are, too, allergic to olives!

Who let that damn dog get into my box of chocolate-covered cherries? I was gonna drop them by WyeVonnes. Miz Marshall down at the mill give all us girls a box. WyeVonne wouldnt have never knowd where they come from. Now Im gonna haf to give her one of my boxes of dustin powder!

I see yall still are devotes of arboreal sacrifice. Weve had an artificial tree for YEARS!

Momma, whys Aint Bobbie making me eat off a plain plate? Yores has got a Christmas tree on it!

Yep, I been settin air for three hours an forty-two minutes, by my clock. An air he come! ARE YALL ALL LISTENIN TO THIS? I got him right tair in the cross hairs. I pull the trigger, and — S*P*L*A*T!!! Bye-bye, Bambi. … Pass me some more of that venison, R.J.

Revised, 1996. By Lee Bradley.

This text may be reproduced and distributed, without changes, at your pleasure, as long as this notice remains attached and intact.

Lee Bradley

Q: Whats the difference between a fairy tale and a redneck story?

A: A fairy tale begins once upon a time, while a redneck story begins you guys aint gonna believe this, but …

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say oh geez, better get cracking and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming Andre, Andre, Ive got the secret documents!!3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructors left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, Im so sure you can hear me thinking. Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, I dont understand any of this. Ive been to every lecture all semester long! Whats the deal? And who are you? Wheres the regular guy?8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say Theyve found me, I have to leave the country and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out Merry Christmas. If youre really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent marke

when all through Palm Beach.
Only lawyers were stirring, the blood sucking leech.
The ballots were held to the light with great care,
In hopes that a dot or a dimple’d be there.
The voters were nestled all snug in their beds,
while nightmares of hanging chads danced in their heads.
And Bush back in Austin, and Gore in DC,
Had just rattled the courts over votes absentee.
When out on the beach there arose such a clatter,
The counters stopped counting to see what’s the matter.
Away to the shore lawyers flew like a flash,
The out of state protesters started to clash.
When what to our wondering eyes was bestowed,
But Air Force One and eight interns in tow.
What came off the plane gave us all quite a chill,
We knew in a moment ‘twas our buddy Bill.
More buxom than hookers, his courses they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
Now Bambi, Now Suzie! Now Candy and Tasha!
On Cassie! On Dana! On Patsy and Sasha!
So up to the courthouse the courses they flew,
Arms full of subpoenas, and Hillary too.
He was chubby and plump, a jolly old geezer,
I laughed when I saw him, misguided appeaser.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Told all of us there, we had something to dread.
He spoke not a word to the Canvassing Board,
The ballots and punch cards he started to hoard.
He sprang from the courthouse, away to the jet,
Before they all left, he made one final threat.
I’m tired of the lawsuits, the counting, the strife,
So I’m making myself your leader for life.
If that’s not enough and for those who want more,
My wonderful wife will replace poor Al Gore.
We heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, the GOP bites”

It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant,

Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.

Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.

(pause)

Ok, I see that its above the luggage scale, which is the place youd have to step forward for a kiss.

Thats not why its there.

(pause)

Ok, I give up. Why is it there?

Its there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.

1. You reuse last years Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbors outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbors whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)

4. You put out last years stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy. If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.)

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdales or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore]. (5 points — nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car)

9. After an invitation to a friends house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points)

Evaluate your score on the Grinch Scale from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

[Ed: This is the best of the wasp joke collections I have seen. Im sure
there are more, but youre too late. ]

Q: Why did God create WASPs?
A: Someone has to buy retail!

Q: What do WASPs think Zimbabwe Rhodesia is?
A: A wide receiver for the Houston Oilers.

Q: How can you tell if a WASP is sexually excited?
A: The stiff upper lip.

Q: Whats an American WASPs idea of open-mindedness?
A: Dating a Canadian.

Q: What does a little WASP girl want to be when she grows up?
A: The very best person I possibly can.

Q: Whats a WASPs idea of social security?
A: An ancestor on the Mayflower.

Q: Why did the WASP cross the street?
A: To get to the middle of the road.

Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
A: A dinner party.

Q: What do WASPs think of the Mideast situation?
A: Well, Newport is all right, but EVERYbody goes to the Cape.

Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
A: How would you like to be buried with my people?

Q: Whats a WASPs idea of affirmative action?
A: Hiring South American jockeys.

Q: What do WASPs say after sex?
A: Thank you very much. Im sorry. It wont happen again.

Q: Whats a WASPs definition of conspicuous consumption?
A: A Sunfish with a spinnaker.

Q. What do you call a WASP with a four-inch prick?
A. Well hung.

Q. How can you tell when a WASP is dead?
A. He lets go of his wallet.

Q. What do you call a WASP virgin?
A. You cant. Her numbers unlisted.

Q. Whats a WASPs favourite song?
A. Im Dreaming of a White Christmas.

Q. What does a professional WASP call her boss?
A. Daddy

Q: How many WASPS does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. Two to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

Q: What is a WASP menage a trois?
A: Two headaches and one hard-on.

Q: Why do WASPs play golf?
A: So they can dress like pimps.
–Andrea Zastrow

Q. What is the definition of a WASP?
A. Someone who gets out of the shower to take a leak.

–seismo!godot.think.com!mincy

A true Southerner knows what catywompus means.

A true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit
and a conniption and they dont HAVE them, they PITCH them.

Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of YONDER.

A true Southerner knows exactly how long directly is – as in:
Going to town, be back directly.

Even true Southern babies know that Gimme some sugar is not a
request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty
little bowl on the middle of the table.

All true Southerners know exactly when by and by is.
They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

A true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a neighbor whos got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken
and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbors trouble is a
real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!).

True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between right
near and a right far piece. They also know that Just down the road
can be 1 mile or 20.

A true Southerner both knows and understands the
difference between a redneck, a good ol boy and po white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A true Southerner knows that fixin can be used as a noun, a
verb, or an adverb.

A true Southerner knows that the term booger can be a
resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in that ol booger, or
something
that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

True Southerners make friends while standing in lines. And
when we are in line we talk to everybody!

Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
theyre related, even if only by marriage.

True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits,
and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a
breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, Well, I caught myself lookin ., you
know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say sweet tea and sweet milk.
Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it – we do not like
our tea unsweetened. Sweet milk means you dont want buttermilk.

NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH… U.P… A.P… BBC… NBC… ETC…

About twelve midnight local time an old man in a red suit and a long white beard was arrested while trying to gain entrance into the white house. Due to all the recent incidents at the white house, security has been extra tight and despite the old mans protest that he was just trying to deliver some gifts, the secret service had him locked up by twelve ten pm.

When the president was contacted his only comment was it must have been Rush Limbaugh, since he knew everyone else in the country loved him.

The old mans transportation (a sleigh and eight animals) was taken to the FBI lab for a complete search.

When the whole incident was over, the president gave a sigh or relief and said MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL is that okay Hill???

Oh well a weak attempt at humor on a full stomach. Eat too much venison for Christmas Dinner. Hope you all have a real nice Christmas and a Happy New Year.

A mother was pleased with the card her son had made her for Christmas, but was puzzled as to the scraggly-looking tree from which many presents dangled, and at the very top, something that looked strangely like a bullet.

She asked him if he would explain the drawing and why the tree itself was so bare, instead of a fat pine tree.

Its not a Christmas tree. he said. Its a cartridge in a pear tree.