Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, You need to join the Army of the Lord!

Jack replied, Im already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.

Pastor questioned, How come I dont see you except at Christmas and Easter?

He whispered back, Im in the secret service.

If you are a cartoon character, have friends or relatives who are cartoon characters, or are a cartoon character sympathizer… please delete this message now. (grin)

I will not defame New Orleans
I will not waste chalk
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not burp in class
I will not instigate a revolution
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I did not see Elvis
I will not call my teacher Hot Cakes
Garlic gum is not funny
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not yell fire in a crowded classroom
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life
Tar is not a plaything
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not trade my pants with others
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not drive the principals car
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not sell school property
I will not cut corners
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not make flatulent noises in class
I will not belch the National Anthem
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not grease the monkey bars
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not show off {Written in an Old English font}
I will not sleep through my education
I am not a dentist
Spitwads are not free speech
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
High explosives and school dont mix
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
I will finish what I sta
Hamsters cannot fly
Underwear should be worn on the inside
The Christmas pageant does not stink
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not carve gods
I will not spank others
I will not aim for the head
I will not barf unless I am sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
I saw nothing unusual in the teachers [sic] lounge
I will not conduct my own fire drills
Funny noises are not funny
I will not snap bras
I will not fake seizures
This punishment is not boring and meaningless
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not prescribe medication
I will not bury the new kid
I will not bring sheep to class
A burp is not an answer
Teacher is not a leper
I will not eat things for money
I will not yell Shes dead! during roll call
The principals toupee is not a frisbee
I will not squeak chalk
Goldfish do not bounce
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that

were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I

knew then I had to have you for my own.


Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I

carried you & threw the door.


Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs,

and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so

tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white

skin.


From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my

arms, to the warm water that awaits.


The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft

breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets

of water cover your taut skin.


My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads

of water. Making them trickle down off your body.


I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so

ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place,

so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter

you before we even came through the door.


As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You

are ready now and so am I.


I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how

much you can take in.


I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation,

faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as

I can, until I cant put any more in, you are so tight. With

your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it,

I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet

juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue

at first, your skin is so soft and tender.


I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist,

you taste so good.


Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in

anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.


Oh yes, I say to you,


I must say Grace Thank God for Butterball turkey…. Amen

This year, our family is breaking with our usual tradition.

We always serve a Christmas swan because its so much fun to watch the kids fight over the neck. This year were having a California Condor-it tastes just like spotted owl. The bird is going to be stuffed with sausage made from baby seals. We all have to bring our own baseball bats in order to club the seals that will be made into stuffing. Best of all, this year its my turn to OJ the bird. As a present, Im giving my nephew a Milli Vanilli doll. You press a button and Teddy Ruxbin sings.

HAPPY HOLIDAY TO ALL!

Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?
A: Yeah, you know, Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names

I think Santa Claus is a woman….I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe hes a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men dont even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, Im convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzens rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, hed still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa cant possibly be a man:

1. Men cant pack a bag.
2. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
3. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened…having to be seen with all those elves.
4. Men dont answer their mail.
5. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be describe even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
6. Men arent interested in stockings unless somebodys wearing them.
7. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
8. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men…Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not Santa. Not a chance.

Jingle Bells
My job smells
Rudolph wants a raise
Reindeer union was on strike
All of Christmas Day
Hey!Dancer took a bust
For a DUI
Prancer got possession
And now he’s doing life
Missis Clause is mad
I stayed out all last night
And now she’s getting a divorce
Because of this day’s fight Jingle Bells
My job smells
Rudolph wants a raise
Reindeer union was on strike
All of Christmas Day
Hey!The cops here really stink
They don’t know who I am
Got busted for doing sixty
In a fifty five
The Missis is a bitch
She won the divorce
And now I have to walk because
She got herself the sleighJingle Bells
My job smells
Rudolph wants a raise
Reindeer union was on strike
All of Christmas Day
Hey!All the elves they suck
Bunch a little pricks
Cannot make a descent toy
That won’t take out my eye
I drank some sour milk
And poisoned cookies too
So I beat the living crap
Out of that punk kid.Jingle Bells
My job smells
Rudolph wants a raise
Reindeer union was on strike
All of Christmas Day
Hey!

Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that werent expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Jimmy tried to change the birds attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music … anything he could think of.

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmys extended arm and said, Im sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the birds attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, May I ask what the chicken did?