Santa Claus is Wielding a Gun



(to the tune of Santa Claus Is Coming to Town)



Oh, you better watch out

You better not pry

You better stay back

Im telling you why

Santa Claus is wielding a gun



Hes making a list

And checking it twice

Gonna find out who

Hes gonna ice

Santa Claus is wielding a gun



Dont give him any trouble

Hell blow you right away

Dont give him any cause to shoot

Or youll make his Christmas Day



Oh, you better believe

Hes packing a rod

No coal in your stocking

Just lead in your bod

Santa Claus is wielding a gun



He doesnt want cookies

Or none of that crud

He doesnt want milk

What he wants is your blood

Santa Claus is wielding a gun



(Music Bridge, with automatic arms fire)



He doesnt trust nobody

Shot all his reindeer dead

Thought Dancer was a sissy

And thought Rudoulph was a red



Oh, you better watch out

You better not pry

You better stay back

Im telling you why



Santa Claus is wielding a gun

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Say its not supported

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Tell them its a feature

Say its not supported

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer

Not a creature was stirrin Cept a redneck named Taylor.

His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,

And a-runnin down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.

His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,

And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.



That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.

There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;

Dud goin on 10; Otis was 7.

John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:

The twins were both girls So they let them be.



They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,

Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.

They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.

There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.



Bubba said to the younguns, Now hesh up yall!

The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.

Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,

So out they crept out the door without making a peep.



They all looked around, and then they all spit.

The younguns asked Bubba, Paw, what is it?

Bubba just stared; He could not say a word.

This was just like all of the stories hed heard.



It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin

But the boys didnt know; They was about to start shootin!

They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake

That would have resulted in venison steak.

Bubba hollered out, Dont shoot, boys!

Thats Santy Claus And hes brought us some toys.



The dogs were a-barkin And a-raisin cain,

And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.

Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!

Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!



Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!

Quit shakin the trailer, Or youll make Santy fall!

The dogs kept a-barkin And wouldnt shut up,

And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.



Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.

Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.

Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.



He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.

The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.

Just as the reindeer Got into the air,

The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didnt care.



He was busy lookin At all his new toys.

Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:

Go check on yer Maw, Make sure shes all right.

That roof fallin on her Could-a hurt just a might.



But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.

They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new.

And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,

But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!



Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.

And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!

You attempt to change lanes on the freeway by strafing left.
You keep trying to pick things up by walking over them.
You eat the blue and green balls off the Christmas tree.
You feel lousy and look down for the status bar.
You grab your kids backpack and cant believe its empty!?
Your desk at work is piled with paper because you refuse get too
close to the recycle barrel.
The only way your spouse can get your attention is to throw tomatoes
at you.
Your PC boots straight into DOOM unless you press a key.
Your desk is wearing away right in front of the arrow keys.
You back-up your DOOM files daily.
You try to double click on every door in the house.
You use the alarm clock to tell you when to GO to bed.
Your seat cushion doesnt return to normal upright position.
You dress up as your favourite DOOM character for Halloween
(and your friends still know who you are).
You will try to turn to get out of chair by moving the trackball in that
direction before you stand up.
You expect every door to open up, not in. (this can be quite painful
sometimes)
You throw open the door to your house, jump backwards, and shoot
your mailman.
When on your way to work you scan the streets for medkits and ammo.
Going into a room or getting off an elevator, you run in and out quickly
to see what follows you out.
You dont worry so much about getting hurt, since youll probably
pick up one of those blue spheres somewhere.
Watching someone come out of an elevator makes your mouse finger twitch.
You start side-stepping into rooms.
You push on walls as you walk down the hall, looking for secret entrances.
You reach for your chainsaw when your wifes cold gives her the sniffles.
You instinctively target trash cans while walking around campus/work.
You look for sniper spots above you when getting in an elevator.
You cant stop squinting as you walk around your house.
You think you can actually walk through walls.
The border and status area are burned into your monitor.
You know ALL the ID codes by heart.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Frostbite…

People have wondered from time to time the reason for an angel on the top
of the Christmas tree.

It seems that one particular Christmas Santa was rushed and harried trying to
get ready for his annual trip to deliver gifts to the worlds children. He told
Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch
to take along. He then went to his workshop and told the elves to have all
the presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed at 5:30 a.m.

At 5:30 the following morning he awoke and jumped out of bed furious with
Mrs. Claus for not awakening him on time. His mood worsened when he realized
she had fixed neither his breakfast nor his afternoon meal. Then he ran out
to his sleigh only to find that the elves, drunk from partying all night,
had no presents packed and the reindeer were running loose in the pasture.

About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree.
Santa tried to ignore her since his mood was so foul but the angel spoke up
and said, Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?

And that is why there is an angel on the top of the Christmas tree.

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, Snort sniff honk honk snort! coming from one of his reindeer.

Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didnt know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time. Snort sniff honk honk snort!

Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. Shhh! Santa hissed. Please be quiet!

He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT! Lights came on all over the neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.

Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!

None of the reindeer stepped forward.

Santa held up a piece of paper. I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own.

Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer …

If youre going to go down, go down with style. Failing your final exam can actually be an amusing experience, depending on what you make of it. Here are some suggestions… Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say oh geez, better get cracking and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming Andre, Andre, Ive got the secret documents!!
If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructors left nostril.
Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, Im SOOO sure you can hear me thinking. Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
Bring cheerleaders.
Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, I dont understand ANY of this. Ive been to every lecture all semester long! Whats the deal? And who the hell are you? Wheres the regular guy?
Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.
On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
Bring pets.
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say Theyve found me, I have to leave the country and run off.
Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out Merry Christmas. If youre really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent mar

A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.

As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday School today! There wasnt a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasnt there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

Come have a look over here, says Bubba, Its Zeb Jones grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.

Thats nothing, says Earl, heres one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.

Just then, Jeb yells out, But heres a fella that died when he was 145 years old!

What was his name? asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, Miles, from Georgia.