Fewer bubbles per square yard
Bubbles used to contain oxygen – now cheaper imitation oxygen
Due to production delays the 2002 models wont be out until March
No more paying for product placement like the big bubble wrap scene in the upcoming Star Wars movie
Can not afford full-page newspaper ads attacking styrofoam peanuts
Bubble wrap no longer shipped in the bubble wrap to prevent damage
Switched to lower grade plastic which makes more of a puh
Now when youre put on hold, you hear top 40 music instead of romantic bubble wrap ballads
Employees Christmas bonus? Bubble wrap
During business trips executives must now pay for hookers out of their own pocket

©MMI, Viacom Internet Services Inc.

Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the younguns, Now hesh up yall!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door Without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The younguns asked Bubba, Paw, what is it?
Bubba just stared; He could not say a word.
This was just like all of The stories hed heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin
But the boys didnt know; They was about to start shootin!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, Dont shoot, boys!
Thats Santy Claus And hes brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin And a-raisin cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.
Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!

Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, Or youll make Santy fall!
The dogs kept a-barkin And wouldnt shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didnt care.

He was busy lookin At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:
Go check on yer Maw, Make sure shes all right.
That roof fallin on her Could-a hurt just a might.

But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents
to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a
mother or father.

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9
months, remove 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help
himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid
directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it
for the last time.

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack
of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed
their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve
their childs sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall
behavior. Enjoy it — its the last time in your life that you will have
all of the answers.

To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm
till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10pm
put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at
12am and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put
the alarm on for 3am. As you cant go back to sleep, get up at 2am and
make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm
goes off. Sing songs in the dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am.
Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the
stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower
beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons.
How does that look?

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag
so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this — all morning.

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn
it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch
tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a
milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and
make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just
qualified for a place on the play group committee.

Forget the Miata and buy the mini-van. And dont think you can leave
it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars dont look like
that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take
a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go
out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again.
Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again.
Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely
every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead
insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that youve had as much
as you can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try
taking a small child for a walk.

Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intent to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this
DO NOT even contemplate having children.

Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot
Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be
an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the
rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You
are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.

Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame
Street, and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing, I love you,
you love me at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided


that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, Well


Leroy, it isnt Christmas and we dont have the money to just go out and buy


you anything you want. So why dont you write a letter to Jesus and pray for


one instead. After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He


finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,


Ive been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,


Leroy

Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he


ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,


Ive been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Your Truly,


Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasnt totally honest, so he tore it up and tried


again.

Dear Jesus,


Ive thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?

Leroy

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his


mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of


almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and


went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the


way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally


found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt


down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got


up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of


a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it


under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,


Ive got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!

Sincerely,


You know who

The FBI found a bottle of an antidepressant drug in the Unabomber suspects cabin. Its a good thing he was taking that stuff… otherwise, he might have done something REALLY crazy…

Monday was tax day all across the USofA. Instead of trying to simplify those complicated forms, why doesnt the IRS just issue decoder rings? Those who lie and cheat the federal government usually know their fate – chances are good theyll end up reelected!

For killing their parents in their Beverly Hills, California mansion, Erik and Lyle Menendez were sentenced to life in prison without possibility of a book deal.

In Riverside, California, shouting broke out at a pro police rally. Whites told Latinos to go back to Mexico – Latinos told whites to go back to England. Well, Governor Pete Wilson PROMISED hed get California moving again.

In his State of the City address, Mayor Richard Riorden portrayed Los Angeles as a city that has rounded the bend on the road to recovery. Now, is that the road with all the potholes, the road thats sinking or the one that is still closed by CalTrans?

The Material Girl is now the Maternity Girl – were not exactly sure how long Madonna has been pregnant, but if the baby was conceived in late March its possible shell have her child on Christmas Day – setting a new world record for irony wrapped in swaddling irreverence.

Intuit and America Online are introducing a program for online banking. Wow! Virtual poverty!

Downsizing: Layoffs at Kelloggs have left employees demoralized. Reporters asked Tony the Tiger what he really thinks about Frosted Flakes and he said, Eh, theyre OK.

More downsizing: Post plans to cut prices on its cereals. Competitors may follow suit. Breakfast food downsizing means from now on, itll only be LIEUTENANT Crunch. Inside of every box of Lucky Charms youll find Orange stars! Green clovers! Pink slips! To save money, theyve also had to cut back on their regular toy surprises. Unfortunately, kids have had a hard time finding the new Invisible Man figures.

Ford may have to recall millions of cars because faulty ignitions could cause them to catch fire – even when parked. Apparently, Quality was Job Two. The folks in marketing havent missed a beat – if Broncos are found to be a fire hazard, they will be renamed Blazers. Boy, when Ford dealers advertise red-hot deals, theyre not kidding.

Someone in Australia has invented software that will help a person commit suicide. Its already a hit with users of Windows 95 who still cant get through to technical support. Hollywood has already bought the film rights. Theyre going to call it, Hard Drive: With a Vengeance.

And finally in sports – okay, so the Chicago Bulls set a record by winning 70 games this season. The Lakers are still the best team – when push comes to shove.

The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite

Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldnt lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming
And sent them back collect

I wrote my true love
We are through, love!
And I said in so many words
Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!

Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister, Well you just ask Mom. Shell tell you its much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.



2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 1 in the world. BUT since Santa doesnt (appear) to handle certain children due to various religious beliefs, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, thats 91.8 million homes. One presumes theres at least one good child in each.



3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.



This means that Santas sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.



4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – – – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.



5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earths atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporize

This was told to me about three years ago by a friend who claims he works with
the father of the hero of the story:

During Christmas break from college, the kid wanted to borrow his fathers car
to drive to a New Years Eve party at his fraternity house. He lived in
Massachusetts and the fraternity house was in Vermont. The father needed the
car New Years Day, and was concerned about the son hitting one of the
roadblocks that police set up all over the place on New Years Eve. The
agreement that was reached was that the son would be allowed to use the car,
but he would not drink at all. That was, of course, a big mistake on the part
of the father, especially since the kid wasnt 21.

So he drove to Vermont, got completely trashed, and attempted to drive home.
Just before he reached Massachusetts he hit a roadblock. There were a few
other cars stopped already, so he was told to get out of the car and stand in
a line of people that were being administered the infamous sobriety test.
Somehow the policeman skipped him, and he was left standing off to the side
while the people behind him were showing the police officer how well they
could touch their finger to their nose, walk a straight line, etc.

At 7:00 AM his father got up to answer the doorbell. There were two state
troopers there; one from Vermont and one from Massachusetts. They immediately
asked him if he was the owner of <description of car>. He replied, Yes, I
am. One of the policeman asked him if he was driving the car the previous
evening, and he said that his son had been the driver. The police officer
asked to speak to his son.

When the kid found himself in front of the two state troopers, he knew he was
in some sort of trouble. But he also realized that his blood alcohol level
had come down considerably, and that he would pass any test they might give
him. So upon questioning, he admitted that he was driving the car, that he
had been in Vermont, but when asked if he had been drinking he said, No!
When the policemen asked if they could see his car, the kid was unable to
remember the drive, and was worried that he may have hit something or someone.
He said that the car was out back under the car port.

And when the four of them walked out to look at the car, instead of looking at
the car he had driven the night before, there was a Vermont State Police
cruiser parked there.

Coca-cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
Dumbest dog: Afghan
Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
Amount American Airlines saved in 87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
Barbies measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%
City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC
Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
% of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
% of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%
% of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%
Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105
Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3
Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonalds each day: 7
Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%
Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%
Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%
Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.
Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon
Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for Profiles in Courage
Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals
Only food that does not spoil: honey
Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)
Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig
Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
Eskimos never gamble.
The worlds youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Mark Twain didnt graduate from elementary school.
Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
Your nose and ears never stop growing.
Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.
Hot water is heavier than cold.
The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.
Cream does not weigh as much as milk.
Starfish have eight eyes–one at the end of each leg.
Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.
First novel ever written on a typewriter was Tom Sawyer.
There are more collect calls on Fathers Day than any other day of the year.
Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
Men get hiccups more often than women.
Armadillos can be housebroken.