Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.

Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.



No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.

Thered be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.



Thered be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.

Ill be alone, my computer and me.



I wont race to the window, to see him arrive.

Ill just sit right here….. with windows ninety-five.



Theres no one I know, as Im surfing around.

None of my regular buddies are found.



I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.

Age, sex, location is all thats about.



As, I was about to go check out the net.

I got an E-mail which I didnt expect.



A lady told me, she had read my profile.

And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while.



She said, if I didnt, then she would just leave.

But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.



She said, its the first time, shed ever been on.

But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.



She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.

But, she said, her husband, left it on… tonight.



Hes away on some business; Hell be gone all night.

So, she thought shed use it, I guess its all right.



She started to tell me, about her whole life.

How, she was expected to be a good wife.



She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.

Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.



She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.

Then finally told me…… she was oversexed.



She didnt have sex, with her husband, she told.

Hes always too busy, and getting too old.



Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.

She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.



I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.

Then after an hour, she got really good.



After five hours, my fingers were sore.

I told her, that I couldnt go anymore.



She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.

And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.



She said she would be on, the same time next year.

Then asked, if I wouldnt mind, meeting her here.



She said, only…. on this night, she could be found.

It is only…. this night, her husband leaves town.



She said bye, and signed off…..and I had to pause.

I think I just cybered……..with Mrs. Santa Claus!!!!

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake
near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides
to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
Thats OK with me, honey, says her husband. Ill go get
some wood for the fire.

About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite
and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been
painted green, the other red and her ass is blue. What on
earth happened to you dear? he asks.

Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they
dont allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave
me this paint job!

Damn those trouble-makers! Ill fix them! the husband shouts.
He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar. Who is
the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue! he shouts.

A huge redneck, about 6-8, steps forward, a shotgun in his
hands. I did it, he bellows. What you got to say about it?

The husband answers meekly, I just wanted you to know the
first coat of paint is dry.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, What are you charged with?



Doing my Christmas shopping early sir, replied the defendant.



Well thats not an crime, said the judge! How early were you doing this shopping?



Before the store opened, answered the prisoner.

You define summer as three months of bad sledding.

You think Alkaline batteries were named for a Tiger outfielder.

You can identify an Ohio accent.

Owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your hometown.

You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.

The Big Mac is something that you drive across.

You believe that down south means Toledo.

You bake with soda and drink pop.

You drive 86 on the highway and you pass on the right.

Your Little League baseball game was snowed out.

You learned how to drive a boat before you learned how to ride a bike.

You know how to pronounce Mackinac.

The word thumb has a geographical rather than an anatomical significance.

You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.

You expect Vernors when you order ginger ale.

You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but that it isnt far from Hell.

Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving, deer season, and Devils Night.

Your snowmobile, lawn mower and fishing boat all have big block Chevy engines.

At least one person in your family disowns you during the Michigan/Michigan State football game.

Your year has two seasons: Winter and Construction.

You know what a millage is.

Traveling coast to coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon.

Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh.

You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your left hand.

In a small southern town there was a Nativity Scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemens helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a Quik Stop on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible! I assured her that I did, but simply couldnt recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said See, it says right here, The three wise man came from afar.

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: Its triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.2. Good: Your wifes not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: Shes a lawyer.3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: Hes involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: Hes in them.5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You cant find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: Hes a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you do.7. Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.8. Good: The postmans early.
Bad: Hes wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: Its another man.
Ugly: Hes your best friend.
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Tease her about being married to that deadbeat James Brolin
Wear giant sombrero and keep saying, Senor Pepe no understand
Threaten to release steamy photos of her and Hugh Downs from Christmas 74
When you dont have an answer, meow like a kitty
Hog the covers (trust me, she hates that)
Call her Alex, phrase all answers in the form of a question
Tell her she was your favorite Golden Girl
To camera say, Whoa, Barbara, easy on the gin
Only rule: Ask a question, remove a piece of clothing
If shes wearing a skirt, compliment her on The View

©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN



Thats right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man. Please take a moment to look over the program outline.



FIRST YEAR



Fall Schedule:

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity

MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework

MEN 103 PMS – Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas



Winter Schedule:

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques

MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4AM

MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesnt End with Conception

MEN 113 Get a Life; Learn to Cook



Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT to ACT Like an Ass When Youre Wrong

MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence

MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex

MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers



SECOND YEAR



Fall Schedule:

SEX 101 You Can Fall Asleep Without It

SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If Its Awake, Then Take a Shower

MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex

MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down



Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

MEN 211 How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children

MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

MEN 213 Honest – You Dont Look Like Tom Cruise, Especially Naked



Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting @#%&*@ From Your Vocabulary

MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is NOT Necessary

MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions

MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me ,


7 pints of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


8 Homemade Tamales.


7 pint of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true Love sent to me,


9 Cartons of Marlboro.


8 Homemade Tamales.


7 pint of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


10 Ripened Mangos.


9 Cartons of Marlboro.


8 Homemade Tamales.


7 pint of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


11 boxes of Chicklets.


10 Ripened Mangos.


9 Cartons of Marlboro.


8 Homemade Tamales.


7 pint of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


12 Bottles of Corona.


11 boxes of Chicklets.


10 Ripened Mangos.


9 Cartons of Marlboro.


8 Homemade Tamales.


7 pint of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

You may be an engineer if …

If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kidstoys
If you use a CAD package to design your sons Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your cameras flash attachment
If you dont even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own Official Star Trek anything
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance (oh-oh)..
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting dont work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
If you can type 70 words a minute but cant read your own handwriting (BIG OH-Oh! )
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you cant remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your checkbook always balances
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of Apollo 13 were the mission controllers
If you think that when people around you yawn, its because they didnt get enough sleep
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If youve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate (or Chinese, pizza, beer, salt substrates – jg)
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail …