Twas the night before Christmas and Santas a wreck…

How to live in a world thats politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to Elves,

Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.

And to show you the strangeness of lifes ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,

Who suddenly said shed enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,

Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, hed neer had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing thats warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets… they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football… someone could get hurt;

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;

He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

But youve got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere…

even you.

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth…

May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.

(c) Harvey Ehrlich, 1992

Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu. Happy Holidays!

Does sweet tea come in sweet, sweeter and sweetest?

Thank goodness the Fourth of July is over – now retailers can get out their Christmas stuff.

I wonder why my wife suggested I list my telephone number in the Yellow Pages under vegetables.

Id like somebody to ask Disney how they could make a Tarzan movie without a single black person.

Seen on a bumper sticker: Be the Person Your Dog thinks You Are.

Im ready to sue the chocolate manufacturers for making me fat. They didnt tell me on the wrapper that I would get fat.

Both the Psychic Hotline and GED classes are advertised during the Jerry Srping Show. Coincidence?

My son just married a girl he met on the internet. I guess there is such a thing as love at first site.

If you do not know where you gun lock key is, maybe your child has it.

I hate it when I sneeze and my bra comes undone.

Listening to country music is like watching a soap opera. Knock it all you want, but if you ever get started, you cant stop.

Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/vent

Signs You Wont Be Receiving a Christmas Bonus This Year

As presented on the 12/11/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Co-workers refer to you as the ghost of unemployment future
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call my new office, everybody else calls the supply closet
6. Bosss Christmas card says, Dont let the door hit your ass on the way out
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word crap appeared 78 times
1. Youre the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

Whereas, on an occasion immediately
preceding the Nativity festival,
throughout a certain dwelling unit,
quiet descended, in which could be heard
no disturbance, not even the sound
emitted by a diminutive rodent related
to, and in form resembling, a rat; and

Whereas, the offspring of the
occupants had affixed their tubular,
closely knit coverings for the nether
limbs to the flue of the fireplace in
expectation that a personage known as
St.Nicholas would arrive; and

Whereas, said offspring had become
somnolent, and were entertaining re:
saccharine-flavored fruit; and

Whereas, the adult male of the
family, et ux, attired in proper
headgear, had also become quiescent in
anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and

Whereas, a distraction on the snowy
acreage outside aroused the owner to
investigate; and

Whereas, he perceived in a most
unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled
by eight domesticated quadrapeds of a
species found in artic regions; and

Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman
was entreating the aforesaid animals by
their appellations, as follows:

Your immediate co-operation is
requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and
Vixen; and collective action by you will
be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid,
Donder, and Blitzen; and

Whereas, subsequent to the above,
there occurred a swift descent to the
hearth by the aforementioned gentleman,
where he proceeded to deposit gratuities
in the aforementioned tubular coverings.

Now, therefore, be ye advised:
that upon completion of these acts,
and upon his return to his original
point of departure, he proclaimed
a felicitation of the type prevalent
and suitable to these occasions, ie:

Merry Christmas to All and to All a
Good Night!

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense,
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.

When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter,
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter,
I dialed up the gain and then quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

And there found the source of the warning wed heeded,
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
Alert status red! went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant FIRE!

On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters — lets send the whole flock!
Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged,
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.

So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea,
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleighbells, white hair, and a deers parachute.

Now it isnt quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas cant hope to evade,
All the web of defenses weve carefully made.

Just look how the gadgets we use to protect us,
In other ways alter, transform, and affect us.
They keep us from things that make life more worth living,
Like love for each other, and thoughts of just giving.

But a crash programs on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So lets wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santas coming by stealth!

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe hes a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off.

For starters, the vast majority of men dont even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, Im convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree – still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzens rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, hed still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa cant possibly be a man

Men cant pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened by being seen with all those elves
Men dont answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a bowlful of jelly.
Men arent interested in stockings unless somebodys wearing them.
Having to do the Ho-Ho-Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men:

Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definitely a guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Coles version of The Christmas Song, it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish shed quit dressing like a guy!!!

20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picards desk
19. The ball in Parisis Squares
18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
17. Replace Trois broken Chia Pet
16. Scare blind students in Braille class
15. Prop open doors for maintenance crews
14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
13. Footstool for Captains chair
12. Entertaining kids in day care puppet show
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
9. Decorative air filter in Picards fish tank
8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get ahead in research.
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
6. Two words: tether ball
5. Keep Worfs coffee table from shaking
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
3. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy

Seen on an office wall, a big sign:

Christmas cancelled – Joseph confessed

A professor at W.Virginia University is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: How many people here believe in ghosts?

About 90 students raise their hands. Well thats a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think youve ever seen a ghost? About 40 students raise their hands. Thats really good. Im really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. Thats a great response.



Has anyone here ever touched a ghost? 3 students raise their hands. Thats fantastic.



But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost? One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, Son, all the years Ive been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. Youve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.



The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.



The professor says, Well, tell us what its like to have sex with a ghost.



The student replies, Ghost?!? Sheeyit….. From back there it sounded like you said goats.