For Christmas last year my wife gave me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity Internet Web team in college, I decided it was a good idea to try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. I thought yall might enjoy my journal:

Day 1:

Started the morning at 5:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club, Tanya was waiting for me. Shes something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about 30-50 points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2:

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heavens sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full 17 miles. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.

Day 3:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed numerous hernias. Driving was okay as long as I didnt try to steer. Tanya was a little impatient with me & said my screaming was bothering the other members. The treadmill hurt my chest, so I did the stair machine. Why would anyone invent something to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. Shes a sadist.

Day 4:

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. Gee, I cant help it if I was an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells — not a chance, slut. The word dumb must be in there for a reason. I hid in the mens room until that dyke sent Lars in after me. As punishment, she put me on the rowing machine. It sank. I flagged down an ambulance for a ride home.

Day 5:

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body able to move, I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I had news for Tanya — I dont have triceps. And if you dont want dents in the floor dont hand me any barbells. That girl and her steel bra, hates all men. The treadmill flung me back into the wall. I had to call a neighbor to come get me. He took me home on a stretcher in the back of his pick-up truck.

Day 6.

Got Tanyas message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I called in sick at work; 3rd day in a row. Ive requested an unlisted telephone number from the phone company.

Day 7.

Well, thats the week. Thank God thats over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free root canals at the dentists. Im sitting here relaxing, barely able to move. Cant even work the TV remote. Well, 6 hours of a Pledge Drive on the the Public Broadcasting System cant be all that bad.

SCHIZOPHRENIA

Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER

We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA

I Think Ill Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC

Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC

Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and …

PARANOID

Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER

You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry, Im Gonna Pout, Maybe Ill tell you why.

DEPRESSION

Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock …

… (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY

On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

[Thanks to Mary Campbell]

Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job.

Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks.

However it wasn’t his glowing probiscus that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average rain deer, or bear for that matter.

So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as … New Ears Day.

When you dress it up with silver and gold, it doesnt look like a cheap hooker.
A Christmas tree will never complain if you compare it to another bush.
A Christmas tree will stay up late, watch a porno with you, and wont say, Hey, look at the size of that dick … I didnt know they made em that big!
Christmas trees actually like when you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesnt care if you have a plastic one in the closet.
It always smells fresh as a forest.
A Christmas tree doesnt care if you watch football all day or go to a strip club after work.
A Christmas tree doesnt get possessive if you want to let your neighbor use your balls.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesnt get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesnt care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director

To: Everyone

Date: December 1

Re: Christmas Party

Im happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigis Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! Well have a small band playing traditional carols … feel free to sing along. And dont be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director

To: Everyone

Date: December 2

Re: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterdays memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on were calling it our Holiday Party. The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director

To: Everyone

Date: December 3

Re: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didnt sign your name. Im happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads AA Only you wouldnt be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Anybody? Somebody?

From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director

To: Everyone

Date: December 7

Re: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees beliefs. Perhaps Luigis can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – the days are so short this time of year – or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, Ive arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director

To: Everyone

Date: December 8

Re: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice … what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigis prohibit the burning of sage by our earth-based Goddess-worshipping employees, but well try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the bands breaks. Okay???

From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director

To: Everyone

Date: December 9

Re: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of Santa does happen to be Satan, there is no evil connotation to our own little man in a red suit. Its a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentines Day. Could we lighten up?

From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director

To: Everyone

Date: December 10

Re: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? Ive had it with you people!!! Were going to keep this party at Luigis Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the grill of death, as you so quaintly put it, and youll get your f***ing salad bar, including hydroponics tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. Ive heard them scream. Im hearing them scream right now!

From: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director

To: Everyone

Date: December 14

Re: Mickey Hennigan and Holiday Party

Im sure I speak for all of us in wishing Mickey Hennigan a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and Ill continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Searching for the perfect gift for his dear wife who loved animals and birds in particular, a man dropped in to the local pet shop to see if he could come up with an idea. The pet store manager told the man, I have just the thing youre looking for, a bird named Chet.

Impressed with the look of the bird as the manager pointed out Chet on the near by perch, the man was even more intrigued when the manager pointed out that Chet could sing Christmas Carols.

Approaching the bird Chet, the manager took out his lighter and said Yes, just listen. As the manager lit his lighter and moved it gently below Chets right foot the bird immediately broke into Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all … but then, when the manager moved the lighter below Chets left foot, the bird switched to Im Dreaming of a White Christmas, just like the ones ….

Astonishment was the only way to describe the husbands reaction and he said, Ill buy him, what a perfect gift for my dear wife.

Racing home with Chet, the man knew he couldnt keep this wonderful gift from his wife until Christmas day. He presented Chet to her immediately and remarked, Not only is he a pretty bird, but he sings too, Dearest.

His wife was totally overwhelmed as her husband demonstrated Chets skill at singing Jingle Bells and White Christmas moving his lighter back and forth between Chets right and left foot.

What happens if you put the lighter under both his feet at the same time? asked the mans wife.

I dont know sweet, lets try it and see.

As the man move his lighter under both of the birds feet they were both surprised when the carol immediately switched to Chets nuts roasting on an open fire …

They had a shouting contest recently in Tokyo (the article I read was dated Dec 15).

1st prize: I will do karate for the rest of my life!
25-year-old Hiroyuki Sugano was slightly louder than a a car horn from 6 feet.

2nd: Tomi-baby, let me cut your eyebrows!
Mamiko Kobayashi, 20-year-old co-ed referring to the bushy-browed prime minister of Japan.

Unique Prize: Stop smooching on the train! Why dont you people go home!
Tomoyuki Fukumura, 104.7-decibel reference to the public kissing trend.

I want work!
Yuriko Shimode, comic artist

Its so cold in winter – buy me a stove!
Hideki Matsui

I couldnt sleep this summer because it was so hot and I didnt have an air conditioner!
Koji Fukuda

There are couples all through my town at Christmas time! Hey Santa, next time bring me a girlfriend!
Tsunehiro Miyazaki (Christmas is a time for a glamorous date in Japan.)

Im sick of being a Single Bell at Christmas!
Reiji Toma

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe. Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is. Ok, I see that its above the luggage scale which is the place youd have to step forward for a kiss. Thats not why its there. Ok, I give up. Why is it there? Its there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.

How do you circumsize a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin!

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, except Papas mouse.

The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,

As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.



The stockings were hung by the modem with care

In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of computer games danced in their heads.



PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,

And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.

The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,

To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com –



Which has now been re-routed to Washington State

Because Santas workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.

All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle

To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.



After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,

St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,

With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,

And a house on Lake Washington thats just down the way



From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens

In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.

The elves have stock options and desks with a view,

Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.



No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem – pardon me)

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums

Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS

With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,

From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.



More rapid than eagles the competitors came,

And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,

Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,



It is Microsofts SANTA that the kids cant resist,

Its the ultimate software with a traditional twist –

Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,

And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.



Get em young, keep em long, is Microsofts scheme,

And a merger with Santa is a marketers dream.

To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!



And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winters nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,



As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,

The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.

As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,

My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.



And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates

Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.

And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,

Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.