One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeers hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, You know, I think youre the first reindeer Ive ever seen in here.

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, Im the last reindeer youll see in here.

In preparation for the upcoming deer hunting season (a season which receives more attention than Christmas in my midwest neck of the woods) I offer the following Deer Hunter Opening Day Summation:

1:00 a.m.Alarm clock rings.
2:00 a.m.Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
3:00 a.m.Leave for deep woods.
3:15 a.m.Arrive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 a.m.Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 a.m.Set up camp — forgot the damn tent!
4:30 a.m.Head into the woods.
6:05 a.m.See a deer.
6:06 a.m.Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 a.m.Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 a.m.Head back to camp.
9:00 a.m.Still looking for camp.
10:00 a.m.Realize you dont have a clue where camp is.
12:00 noonFire gun for help — eat wild berries.
12:15 p.m.Out of bullets — 6 deer come by.
12:20 p.m.Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 p.m.Realize you ate poisoned berries.
12:45 p.m.Rescued.
12:55 p.m.Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 p.m.Arrive back at camp.
3:30 p.m.Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 p.m.Arrive back at camp for bullets.
4:01 p.m.Load gun. Leave camp again.
5:00 p.m.Empty gun on squirrel thats bugging you.
6:00 p.m.Arrive at camp — see deer grazing at camp.
6:01 p.m.Load gun.
6:02 p.m.Fire gun.
6:03 p.m.Hit pick up.
6:06 p.m.Partner returns to camp dragging 6 point buck.
6:07 p.m.Suppress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:08 p.m.Fall into campfire.
6:10 p.m.Change clothes. Throw burned ones in fire.
6:16 p.m.Take pick up, leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 p.m.Pick up boils over due to hole shot in block.
6:26 p.m.Begin walking.
6:35 p.m.Stumble and fall — drop gun in mud.
6:40 p.m.Meet bear.
6:42 p.m.Fire gun, blow up barrel — plugged with mud.
6:43 p.m.Wet pants.
6:44 p.m.Climb tree.
9:00 p.m.Bear departs. Wrap $@!%&^* gun around tree.
12:00 midnHome at last!
Sunday:Watch football game on T.V. slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces. Place into envelope. Mail to game warder with clever instruction on where to place it!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates, Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, Theyre bells.

Saint Peter said, You may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of womens panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, And just what part of Christmas do those symbolize?

The man replied, Dont worry, theyre not mine… Theyre Carols.

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmers field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, I shot a duck and it fell in this field, Im going into retrieve it.

The old farmer replied. This is my property, and you are not coming over here. The indignant lawyer said, I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you dont let me get that duck, Ill sue you and take everything! The old farmer smiled and said, Apparently, you dont know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule.
The lawyer asked, What is the NC three-Kick Rule? The Farmer replied. Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up. The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyers groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the mans nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmers third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, Okay, you old redneck southerner, now its my turn.

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.

A little girl was asked by her mother what she wants for Christmas.

Barbie and GI Joe, she said.

But darling, the mother said, Barbie doesnt come with GI Joe, Barbie comes with Ken.

No mommy, the little girl replied, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she only fakes with Ken.

How honest are people likely to be in describing themselves or what they seek? This is a compilation of possible interpretations of the most commonly used words and phrases in the Lonely Hearts columns, in the UK.

AFFECTIONATE LADY SOUGHTSchoolboy seeks filthy-minded older woman with gigantic tits.
ARTISTLikes to decorate the Christmas tree, or: broke, smokes a lot of dope and talks nonsense about Esixentialist Espressionism.
ATTRACTIVEUgly.
AVERAGE HEIGHTFor a pygmy.
BEAUTIFULHer mother used to tell her that she was a beautiful little girl. That was 45 years ago.
BISEXUAL GIRLS SOUGHTDirty old man wants to watch lesbians in action.
BONDING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHTBonding is the key word. Expect handcuffs and leather implements.
BUSINESSMANOld, divorced, fat. Sells fake furs in flea markets.
BUXOMExceptionally so. Sagging, too.
CARING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHTSponging, 100% supportive relationship sought.
CAR-OWNINGOwns a 1958 Morris Minor.
CINDERELLA SEEKS PRINCE CHARMINGMousy dishwasher seeks a man, any man.
CIVIL ENGINEERPlays with Meccano.
COLOUR IMMATERIALSexy black girl sought.
COLOUR AND APPEARANCE IMMATERIALSexy black girl with stupendous backside sought.
COMMITTEDPossessive. Control Freak.
COMPANY DIRECTOR, JAGUAR, YACHT, PENTHOUSE, ETC.If normal, does not need to advertise. Expect: illegal perversions, 3ft 6ins tall, Nazi war criminal, etc.
COMPUTERS, INTERESTED INPeople, NOT interested in.
COUNTRY COTTAGERun-down hovel without main facilities, miles from anywhere. Wants cook and housekeeper, without having to pay for it.
CREATIVEOnce went to pottery evening classes.
CUDDLYMan: bearded, drinks prodigious quantities of real ale.Woman: has six children – breast-feeds them in restaurants.
DEEP RELATIONSHIPInsert throat in above sentence, for more accurate meaning.
DINING, INTERESTED INMan: makes obscene passes at mealtable, gets paralytically drunk, throws up in partners lap.Woman: see Large.
DISCREETMarried.
DIVORCEDSeparated, and going through a very messy divorce.
DRIVES PORSCHEGarage mechanic. Swipes Porsche when the boss is away.
ECCENTRICExtraordinarily weird. Possibly homicidal.
EYES, BEAUTIFULRemainder, vile.
FAMILY MANDiscreet affair sought.
FILMS, INTERESTED INTalks about some obscure Albanian movies made in the 50s. Can talk a whole evening about the Introverted Seminal Hermetism of Goddards films. Refuses to see Jurassic Park on grounds that it is trivial.
FOREIGN GENTLEMAN SEEKS PERMANENT RELATIONSHIPIllegal immigrant; would marry anybody to secure permanent residence in the UK/EU.
FREAKYCertifiably insane.
FREE ROUND-THE-WORLD CRUISE, EXOTIC HOLIDAYS OFFEREDNasty little squirt who can get a woman, only by paying for her.
GAYSo incredibly camp that the most outrageous drag Queen would be embarrassed to be seen with him. Makes Quentin Crisp look like Mel Gibson (though, come to think of it …)
GENTLENonentity.
GOOD LIFEDirty weekends, high-stake gambling, general debauchery, group sex, young girls. (i.e., good life)
GOOD NATUREDCan be taken advantage of, but whines a lot if you do.
GORGEOUSDaffy ex-showgirl who was gorgeous about 40 years ago.
GRADUATEDiploma in plumbing from an un-heard of technical school.
GREGARIOUSInto group sex and/or gang-bangs.
HAIRDRESSERGay.
HAIRYMan: has more hair than a gorilla.Woman: undergoing spontaneous sex change
HANDSOMEHandsome, but freaks out if you spill wine on his trousers. Looks over your shoulder, into a mirror, when he talks to you. Checks his reflection in shop windows.
HEAVY ROCK, INTODeaf. Stoned. Both.
HOMELOVINGWoman: compulsive cleaner; freaks out if you spill a drop of wine on her table cloth.Man: likes to stay home with a six-pack and a large bag of Doritos, watching soccer on TV. Slob.
HORROR MOVIES AND BOOKS, INTOWears a black cape and sleeps in a coffin. If you accept a date, wear a garlic necklace.
HUMOROUSManiacally so; knows Monty Python parrot sketch by heart and repeats it over and over, laughing to himself.
INTELLECTUALBrooding. Talk non-stop about obscure Peruvian philosophers, Leibniz monads, Gestalt. A complete bore.
INTERACTS WITH MOVIE STARSWorks as a waiter in a bar patronized by out-of-work actors.
INTERIOR DECORATORGay.
INTERIOR DECORATOR, SUCCESSFULGay and rich. (What more do you want?)
JOGGING, RUNNING, ETC.Talks incessantly about cartilage trouble, Achilles tendons, running shoes; permanently exhausted. Do not expect sexual activity.
LARGEUnbelievably overweight.Man: great mounds of flesh spilling out of clothes. Sweats profusely.Woman: wears bell tents; has double chin that looks like Elizabethan ruff.
LATE FORTIESReceiving old-age pension
LONELYHas habits so awful that cannot be legally described in an ad; deserves to be lonely.
LOOKING FOR MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPLooking for father/mother for five quite appalling kids.
LOVES ANIMALS… more than people; has fifteen cats.
LOVES CHILDRENPaedophile.In more than one way: roasted, fried, barbecued, en cocotte, a la mode du chef …, ok, just kidding
MATUREMenopausal.
MODELProstitute.
MOTORCYCLES, INTOHells Angel. Leather, studs, chains, into.
MUCH-TRAVELLEDLong-distance lorry driver; if genuine airline pilot, has tertiary syphilis.
MUSIC, INTERESTED INHas a $ 5,000 quadriphonic set-up that kill at a mile range.Owns a cheap Woolworths Hi-Fi and a couple of ABBA LPs.Plays the ocarina. Badly.
NATURE, BIRD WATCHING, INTOPeeping Tom.If genuine: be prepared to wake up at 3:00 AM in the middle of Winter and slog for three hours in a marsh, to watch the mating dance of the Scottish Heron.
NON-EFFEMINATE GAYTattooed, six-day beard growth, big muscles, army boots and combat jacket (chancy, if female).
NON-SCENE GAYHad a very nasty experience with huge sailor.
NON-SMOKERSmoker, trying to quit. Has fits and tantrums as a result of nicotine withdrawal.
OCCASIONALLY MOODYSuicidal.
OLDER LADY SOUGHTGigolo.
PLUMPFemale version of the Michelin Man.
POLITICALLY CONSERVATIVEWears swastika armbands, jackboots and an SS cap. Sings banned nazi songs in pubs and gets usually beaten to a pulp by the other patrons.
PRESENTABLEOwns a polyester suit.
PROFESSIONALPlumber. If genuine Doctor, Attorney, Architect, etc., has unspeakable sexual deviations.
PUBS, INTOMan: alcoholic; talks incessantly about soccer and cars.Woman: Outmoded dollybird.
QUIETIncredibly dull.
RADICALOn probation for assaulting a cop during a demo.
RANDYSuffers from premature ejaculation; treats women as objects (and objects as women).
RITZY, CHIC, ETC.Transvestite. Co-ordinates well, though.
ROMANTICWoman: Pre-Raphaelite type; totally spaced out.Man: behaves like bloody fool; quotes Keats.
SCIENCE-FICTION FANSays things like phasers activated when switching on the headlights of his car, ET phone home before making a phone call and may the force be with you to total strangers. An embarrassment and a bore.If the genuine article; watch out for little tell-tale signs, like the gray skin and the large black eyes. Usually, a date turns into an abduction
SEEKS GIRL/GUY (No specific details)Not fussy, as long as it screws.
SEEKS SIMILARUtterly narcissistic.
SEEKS SOLVENT MAN/WOMANGolddigger/Gigolo.
SELF-CONTAINEDComplete introvert. Hermit.
SENSITIVEWoman: highly strung; cries a lot; has five nervous breakdowns a year.Man:Poovy; permanently under therapy.Gay.
SHARING RELATIONSHIPYou give, he/she takes.Screwing relationship.
SHYRetarded.
SINCEREPromiscuous and lying.Clings like a leech; Impossible to get rid of.
SLIMMan: gangling, round-shouldered, 6ft 6ins.Woman: terminal anorexia case.
SMOKERFive packs a day. If you go into his/her apartment, wear a gas mask.
SOLICITORArticled clerk in Solicitors office.
SOLITUDE, INTO.Layabout.
SOLVENTHas a Woolworths credit card.
SPARKLING PERSONALITYHigh as a kite on something or other; hellish bore.
SPACE, NEEDSWants to conduct seven affairs simultaneously, without interference.
SPONTANEOUSErratic, unpredictable (as in spontaneous combustion).
SPORTS, INTERESTED INDarts, snooker, pinball, video games.
STRAIGHTCloset gay.
STRAIGHT LOOKINGGay acting.
TALLMan: exceptionally tall (over 7ft) and playing it down.Woman: resembles stick insect.
TEACHERBroke and scruffy.
TEMPERAMENTALHas bouts of uncontrollable violence.
TRAVELLING, KEEN ONMassive rent arrears.
TRENDYRidiculous; goes to formal occasions wearing purple leotards and yellow plastic shoes.
UNDERSTANDINGReal live saint sought by loser with extraordinary number of problems.
VIRILELike randy, but stronger. Has punctured his inflatable doll a number of times.
VIVACIOUSFreaky. Talks about herself non-stop in a shrilly voice.
WARMOverpowering personality. Control freak.
WORLDLYTravelling salesman.
WRITERUnpublished.
YOUNG(Seeking) Middle aged man after nymphet. Older woman after young stud. (Describing self as) See Youthful.
YOUTHFULOld, but pathetically infantile.
ZANYEscapee from mental institution.

Thats the end, I suppose. Ah, yes: ads in French, or containing extensive references to star signs, or quotes from Shakespeares sonnets, should be handled with extreme caution.

This Christmas, Mom decided to give me a couple of albums on
compact disc. Not knowing my taste in music, she went down to
the local record store and tried to buy some blank CDs.
According to her, the sales clerk wasnt very helpful.

I would love to have heard that conversation.

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.



After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.



Louise, he moaned, tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?



Even worse, she assured him in her most scornful one. You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face.



Hes an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!



You did. All over his suit, Louise informed him. And he fired you.



Well, screw him, said John.



I did. Youre back at work on Monday.

To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, my brother Franks church is going to have a special No Excuse Sunday:Cots will be placed in the vestibule for those who say that Sunday is the only day they can sleep in. We will have steel helmets for those who say the roof would cave in if they ever came to church. Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot. We will have hearing aids for those who say the Pastor speaks too softly – and cotton for those who say he preached too loudly. Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sundays. There will be TV dinners for those who cant go to church and cook dinner too. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for all those who like to seek God in nature. Finally, the sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.

This is supposedly a true story, told to me by a second source.

An older woman was cruising a busy parking lot just before
Christmas in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a
parking space. She finally saw someone loaded with packages
heading for a car, so she followed him, put on her blinker and
waited patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out
a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her.
She was dumbfounded and outraged, and jumped out of her car, shouting,

How could you do that?
Didnt you see me waiting there with my signal on?
to which he replied,
Thats what happens when youre young and fast.

As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the
hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to
see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his
beautiful black Porsche. He ran back and cried,
How could you do that? to which she replied,

Thats what happens when youre old and rich!