LYRICS:

Simply take one word or phrase from each of the three columns below, in order to make one line. Repeat randomly four times. Repeat process again twice to make chorus. Repeat last line 17 times. Dont worry if they dont make sense.

Column 1Column 2Column 3
Move itTriple BeatThe City Streets
Get UpBody HeatYoull be Humpin
Pump It UpFeel the BeatBefore the Night is Over
Get DownGet AroundShake your Meat
Shake itThe Joint Is JumpinBustin Loose
Pump the JamFeet are StompinDisco Heat

BACKBEAT:

Program a drum machine in neverending 4/4 time. Add occasional snare.

BODY:

Add monotonous bass in one key. Overlay with punchy sounding synth. Get previously unknown singer to talk the lyrics so as not to test the range of the vocal chords.

PRODUCTION:

Put above ingredients together on master tape. Press discs. Give the label a suitably techno-funk sounding name, like Mixmastermeatbeaters. Sell 5 million copies to unsuspecting public. Win MTV Award.

The sad thing is the public will think youve been creative…

Better still, this process can be automated via a lyric C program, a random synth base and music generator, and the discs mastered directly by computer control.

This relieves the composer of decisions regarding which phrases and notes to use in production. By pressing the {RET} key, more than 100 CDs a week can be generated.

This I have done, below is a sample composition guaranteed to make megabucks:

Get down by Mixmastermeatbeaters

Get down the joint is jumpin youll be humpin Shake it feet are stompin in the city streets Pump the jam feel the beat with disco heat Move it get around til the night is over

(chorus) Get down to triple beat shake your meat Pump it up get around in the city streets

Pump the jam to triple beat youll be humpin Shake it get body heat til the night is over Get up the joint is jumpin youll be humpin Pump it up feet are stompin Im bustin loose

(chorus) Get down to triple beat shake your meat Pump it up get around in the city streets

Pump it up get around in the city streets Pump it up get around in the city streets Pump it up get around in the city streets etc…

For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a
real person or not. Her answer was always, Well, you asked for the
presents, and they came, didnt they? I finally understood the full meaning
of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: A software or
hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable
from the real device.

Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by
loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner
indistinguishable from the real saint.

Mother also taught the IF…THEN…ELSE structure, If its snowing, then
put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes.

Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing,
Well wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but
well wash these socks out right now by hand because youll need them this
afternoon.

Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid
out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to
find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave
us the first clue.

Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing
the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one
sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the
principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks
three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being
able to come up with at least one matching pair.

Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to
Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was
then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an
instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number
of physical I/O operations.

Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on
the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to remind herself to turn
it off again before leaving the house.

Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced
when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle.

Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert
on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that
things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.

There is an old story that God knew He couldnt be physically present
everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created
mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed
processing. As any kid whos ever misbehaved at a neighbors house finds
out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. Thats a local
area network of distributed processors that cant be beat.

Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.

About this time last year, I was sitting in my dentists office waiting to have a root canal done, when I noticed a flyer (advertisement) for a personal dental drill. After some interesting images went through my head, I asked the receptionist if they really sold these things and she said yes.

Well, it was three days before Christmas and I hadnt gotten the secretary in the office (Vivian) a present yet, so I bought one.

When I got home, I realized that there was no literature in the little package – no warranty card, no instruction, no nothing – so I wrote some. Below is the promotional flyer that came with Vivians.

Thank you for purchasing the digger personal dental drill from ACME Corp., makers of do it yourself dental devices since 1939.

We hope you will get years of satisfaction from your new drill. The enclosed instruction manual provides step by step instructions for performing a variety of dental procedures from simple cavaties to root canals and interrogations in the privacy and tranquility of your own home.

All procedures can be performed using materials readily available from your favorite hardware store and a little fortitude (purchased at your favorite liquer store). Save money, entertain the kids – but most of all enjoy the satisfaction of doing it yourself.

Your new drill should provide you with many years of trouble free service.

However, if you experience any problems, please call our customer service number at 1-800-323-PAIN.

Again, thank you for your purchase.

Copied from Ann Landers Column:

Landers: Santas official visit has special Claus in military directives.

DEAR Ann Landers: I found this on the Internet and thought it was a hoot. I hope you will print it for Christmas. — Steve Online

Dear Steve: Although the Internet has attracted an amazing amount of garbage, it has also made a great deal of valuable information available to millions of people. Thanks for your charming contribution. Here it is:

This in from retired Air Force Brig. Gen. Bob Clements. Please read.

To: All Retired Military Personnel

Subject: Official Command Visit

This office has been informed of an official visit by Gen. Santa Claus to this base on 25 December. The following directives will govern activities of personnel during this visit:

No creatures will stir without official permission. This will include all native mice. Special stirring permits will be obtained through the orderly room.

Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 220 hours. Uniform for nap: pajamas, cotton, light drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose.

Personnel will utilize standard ration sugarplums to dance through their heads. This item may be picked up in the orderly room.

Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires. Individual sections will submit stocking-hanging plans to Capt. Kringle by 0800 hours, 22 December.

At first sign of clatter from lawn, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open shutters and throw open window sashes.

Volunteers are needed to drive one sleigh, miniature, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of Gen. Claus. Driver must have current roof-top license.

Gen. Claus will enter all sections through chimneys. Sections without chimneys will draw a Chimney Simulator from Link Services for use during ceremonies. Requests must be submitted in triplicate prior to 20 December.

All personnel will be rehearsed in shouting Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. This shout will be given upon termination of Gen. Claus visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of all section chiefs.

(signed) Ebenezer Scrooge, Colonel, USAF, Commander

(c) Creators Syndicate

Twas the night before christmas, and we, being Jews,

My girlfriend and me – we had nothing to do.

The gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care,

Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.

But for us, once the Chanukah candles burned down,

There was nothing but boredom all over town.

The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;

There werent any concerts to go to that night.

A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,

But we searched through the papers; there wasnt a thing.

Outside the window sat 2 feet of snow;

With the windchill, they said, it was 15 below.

And while all I could do was sit there a brood,

My girl saved the night and called out: CHINESE FOOD!

So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots –

To cover out heads, our hands and our foots.

We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down,

And boarded the T bound for old Chinatown.

The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,

While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs.

We hopped off at Park Street; the Common was bright

With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights,

We crept through The Zone with its bums and its thugs,

And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs.

At last we reached chinatown, rushed through the gate,

Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafes,

In search of a restaurant: Which one? Lets decide!

We chose Hunan Chozer, and ventured inside.

Around us sat others, their platters piled high

With the finest of fine foods their money could buy:

There was roast duck and fried squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)

Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,

Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foon,

And General Gaus chicken a ma po tofu…

When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,

We said: Skip the menu! and ordered it all.

And when in due time the food was all made,

It came to the table in a sort of parade.

Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,

And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.

And chicken wings! Dumplings! and Beef Teriakis!

The courses kept coming from spicy to mild,

And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.

And while this went on, we became aware

Every diner around us had started to stare.

Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;

Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.

So much piled up, one dish after another,

My girlfriend and I couldnt see one another!

Now we sait there, we two, without proper utensils,

While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.

We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore

And half of our dinner wound up on the floor.

We tried – how we tried – but, said truth to tell,

Ten long minutes later and still hungry as hell,

We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,

And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.

We fressed and we feastered, we slurped and we munched;

We noshed and we supped, we breakfastd and lunched.

We ate till we couldnt and drank down our teas

And barely had room for our fortune cookies.

But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood

When it said: Pork is kosher, when its in Chinese food.

And my girlfriend – well… she got a real winner;

Hers said: Your companion will pay for the dinner.

Our bellies were full and at last it was time

To travel back home and write some bad rhyme

Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak

About trying to refine our chopstick technique).

The MSG spun round and round in our heads,

And we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,

As we carried our leftovers home through the night:

Good Yom Tov to all – and to all a Good Night!

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?

Sixs Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. (He is rarely wrong on these things.) We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

Youve got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. Youre supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue…

Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.

What the heck do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?

Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. Im going to fry that sucker.

If youre not going to do it right, dont do it at all. Dont just throw them on, like you do the icicles. Youre worse than your father.

Give me that!

Youve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top.

I dont care if you have found another two strings, Im done!

Youve just wound em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldnt look like a spiral this year?

Have you been drinking?

Wheres the cat?

You might be a redneck if you drive your truck into a lake and drown tryin to get the tailgate open.

A young ventriloquist is touring the Southwest and stops to entertain in an Arkansas bar. Hes going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says threateningly, Ive heard just about enough of your smart mouth hillbilly jokes – we aint all stupid here in Arkansas! Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy interrupts him and says, You stay out of this mister– Im talking to the smart mouth little fella on your knee!

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,What are you charged with?

Doing my Christmas shopping early, replied the defendant.

Thats no offense, said the judge. How early were you doing this shopping?

Before the store opened, countered the prisoner.

Youve spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
When someone asks to see your I.D. – you show them your belt buckle.
Youve lost at least one tooth opening beer bottles.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have to scratch your sisters name out of a message: For a good time call ___________!!!
Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
Redman chewing tabbaco sends you a Christmas card.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
After making love, you ask your date to roll down the damn window.
Your house doesnt have any curtains, but your truck does.
Your junior and senior prom had a day care center.