Youre a redneck if…



-You have more fingers than you do teeth

-You cut your grass and find a car

-You consider Dennys a Fancy Resturant

-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors

-Your age is higher than your I.Q.

-Your favorite pickup line is Does this look infected to you?

-You ask your wife wheather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies Its a gummy bear.

-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.

-You say Watch this everytime before you goto the hospital.

-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.

See Mother. See Mother laugh. Mother is happy. Mother is happy about
Christmas. Mother has many plans. Mother has many plans for Christmas.
Mother is organized. Mother smiles all the time. Funny, funny Mother.

See mother. See mother smile. Mother is happy. The shopping is all done. See
the children watch T.V. Watch children, watch. See the children change their
minds. See them ask Santa for different toys. Look, look, Mother is not
smiling. Funny, funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother sew. Mother will make dresses. Mother will make
robes. Mother will make shirts. Look … Mother put the zipper in wrong.
See Mother sews the dress on the wrong side. See Mother cut the skirt too
short. See Mother put the material away until January. Look, look, see
Mother take a tranquilizer. Funny, funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother buy raisins and nuts. See Mother buy candied
pineapple and powdered sugar. See Mother buy flour and dates and pecans and
brown sugar and bananas and spice and vanilla. Look, Look, Mother is mixing
everything together. See the children press out the cookies. See the flour
on their elbows. See the cookies burn. See the cake fall. See the children
pull taffy. See Mother pulls her hair. See Mother cleans the kitchen with
the garden hose. Funny, funny, Mother.

See Mother. See Mother wrap presents. See Mother look for the end of the
scotch tape roll. See Mother bites her fingernails. See Mother go. See
Mother goes to the store for the 12th time in one hour. See Mother go. See
Mother goes faster. Run Mother, run! See Mother trims the tree. See Mother
has a party. See Mother makes popcorn. See Mother scrubs the rug. See Mother
tears up the organized plan. See Mother forgets the gift for Uncle Harold.
See Mother gets the hives! Go Mother Go! See the far-away look in Mothers
eyes. Mother is disorganized. Mother is disoriented. Funny, funny Mother.

It is finally Christmas morning. See the happy family. See Father smile.
Father is happy. Smile Father Smile! Father loves the fruitcake. Father
loves the Christmas pudding. Father loves his new neckties. Look, look. See
the happy children. See the childrens toys. Santa was very good to the
children. The children will remember this Christmas. See Mother. Mother is
slumped in a chair. Mother is crying uncontrollably. Mother does not look
well. Mother has ugly dark circles under her blood shot eyes. Everyone helps
Mother to bed. Mother sleeps quietly under heavy sedation. See Mother smile!

Santa *remembers* its Christmas. Nuf said.
Reads childrens letters in office instead of in bathroom.
Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe thats the problem!
Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, Regis and Santa Lee.
Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
Mrs. Claus wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a 68 El Camino.
A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
Bowl full of jelly, my ass. Its water retention.
Constantly whining about equality until its time to clean out the reindeer stalls.
Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!
No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
The North Pole Blockbusters been out of The Horse Whisperer for weeks.

and Top5s Number 1 Sign Santa Claus is Actually a Woman…

With the way they build chimneys these days youd *have* to be Calista friggin Flockhart just to get in!

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]

This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Years resolutions:

1. You reuse last years Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbors outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbors whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).

4. You put out last years stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdales or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points – nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car).

9. After an invitation to a friends house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the Grinch Scale from 20 to 100.

• 20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

• 30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

• 50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

Q. How did they advertise surplus W. W. II Italian rifles for sale?

A. Never fired, and only dropped once.

Q. Why does the new Italian Navy use glass bottomed boats?

A. So they can steer clear of the old Italian Navy.

Q. Why is Italian bread so long?

A. So they can dip it into the sewer.

Q. How is the Italian version of Christmas different?

A. One Mary, one Jesus, and 32 Wise guys.

Q. Who really killed John F. Kennedy?

A. Two hundred Italian sharpshooters.

Q. How does an Italian get into an honest business?

A. Usually through the skylight…

RAINY web

The following appeared recently in the Anderson SC Independent Mail classifieds:

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale – Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think youve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, youll never go anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, You need to join the Army of the Lord!

Jack replied, Im already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.

Pastor questioned, How come I dont see you except at Christmas and Easter?

He whispered back, Im in the secret service.

A short while ago, someone posted the annual scientific analysis of the Santa Claus story, which can be summed as as Santa Claus — he dead. Traumatized, I forwarded it one to my friend, Joe Beirne, who knows more about science than I do. He returned this rebuttal. As far as I can figure it, Santa lives. It is we that are an illusion.

heres the answer:

———- Forwarded message ———-

Date: Wed, 18 Dec 1996

From: Joe Beirne

To: Michael Pollak

Subject: Re: The scientific view of Santa

Santa is probably a creature entirely existant only in the 23rd dimension. Mass, velocity and time have no measurable effect on his efforts on Christmas. As a matter of fact, true-to-legend, in his sub-atomic world it is *always* Christmas. He has essentially forever to deliver the presents, which he unfolds to 4 dimensions using some kind of gravity well (?) (He probably does not live on the North Pole per se, but on one pole of a dipole quantum singularity from whence he focuses his present-sending.)
v
What we call reindeer are, I think, 3-dimensional shadows of 10-dimensional structures that act as transfer particles for the vast amounts of energy needed to re-integrate the toys at the macro-universe scale, and the sleigh is very likely a quantum confinement vessel that absorbs the shock-wave of re-integration when they come down the chimney.

Where do the presents come from, preserving the 2nd law of thermodynamics? They are the residue deposited by the negative entropy created by Santas faster-than-light communication with the good little children in this universe.

The anthropic principle (ie: the present universe has the physics it has only because there are 3 dimensional people here to observe it) is slightly wrong: This universe actually exists to keep the 23 dimensional Santa employed during the holidays.

Sincerely,

Mr. Know-it-All

PS. Santa delivers plenty of toys to Jews & other heathen, but they lack the kind of stubborn credulity required to buy this kind of story.

Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then Im against it.



But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then Im for it.



This is my position, and I will not compromise!