I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced
frivolity, but because its the season when the food police come out with
their wagging fingers and annual tip on how to get through the holidays
without gaining 10 pounds. You cant pick up a magazine without finding a
list of holiday eating dos and donts. Eliminate second helpings,
high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on
vegetable sticks, they say.

Good grief.

Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didnt
think so. Isnt mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I
have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow
them, youll be fat and happy. So what if you dont make it to New Years?
Your pants wont fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you
see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where theyre serving rum
balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, its rare. In fact, its even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
cant find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it
has 10,000 calories in every sip? Its not as if youre going to turn into
an eggnogaholic or something. Its a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have
two. Its later than you think. Its Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. Thats the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if theyre made with skim milk or
whole milk. If its skim, pass. Why bother? Its like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your
eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
peoples food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Years.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which youll need after circling the buffet table while
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near
them and dont budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of
attention. Theyre like a beautiful pair of shoes. You cant leave them
behind. Youre not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if
you dont like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, its loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards,
mate.

10. And one final tip: If you dont feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you havent been paying attention.

11. Reread the tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the
corner.

The first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight
and so I chopped the pear tree down – and burned it out of spite.

And with a single cartridge I shot that blasted partridge my true love,
my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves
and gently rung both the necks, of the Turtle Doves.

The third day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup
and so I took the three french hens and made some chicken soup.

The four calling birds were a big mistake for their language was obscene,
the five golden rings were completely fake, and their turned my fingers green.

The six day after Christmas my 6 laying gees wouldnt lay,
so I sent the whole gaggle back to the ASPCA.

The seventh day, what a mess I found …
all seven of my swimming swans had drowned
that my true love, we are through love, my true love gave to me.

The 8th day after Christmas before they could suspect,
I rounded up the:

maids a milkin
ladies ladies dancing
lords a leapin
pipers pipin
drummer drummin

and sent them back collect.

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldnt sleep I

tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.


The leftovers beckoned — the dark meat and white, but I

fought the temptation with all of my might.


Tossing and turning with anticipation, the thought of a

snack became infatuation.


So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door and gazed at

the fridge, full of goodies galore.


I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, pickles and

carrots, beans and tomatoes.


I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, till all of a

sudden, I rose off the ground.


I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky With a

mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie


But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees…….

happy eating to all—pass the cranberries, please

For Christmas this year my wife purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

The club suggested I keep an exercise diary to chart my progress.

Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. Shes something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it for heavens sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didnt try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I cant imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I cant help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word dumb must be in there for a reason. I hid in the mens room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya – I dont have triceps. And if you dont want dents in the floor dont hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldnt it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies professor?

Day 6. Got Tanyas message on my answering machine wondering where I was. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, thats the week. Thank goodness thats over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship

Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;

The phasers were hung in the armoury securely,

In hope that no alien would get up that early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks

(Except for the few who were partying drunks);

And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev in her lace,

Had just settled down for a neat face to face…

When out in the hall there arose such a racket,

That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pant and jacket.

Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,

Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly Deck One!

The bridge red-alert lights, which flashed through the din,

Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within.

When, what on the viewscreen, our eyes should behold,

But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.

But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,

That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.

His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.

Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name:

Its Riker, Its Data, Its Worf and Jean-Luc!

Its Geordi, And Wesley, the genetic fluke!

To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!

Now float away! Float away! Float away all!

As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,

So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,

And up to the ceiling, our bodies they flew,

As the captain called out, What the Hell is this, Q?!

The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,

And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.

As we took in our plight, and were looking around,

The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,

Appeared once again, to continue the show.

Thats enough! cried the captain, Youll stop this at once!

And Riker said, Worf, take aim at this dunce!

Im deeply offended, Jean-Luc replied Q,

I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you.

As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.

He dumped out the contents and took a step back.

Ive brought gifts, he said, just to show Im sincere.

Theres something delightful for everyone here.

He sat on the floor, and dug into his pile,

And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:

For Counsellor Troi, theres no need to explain.

Heres Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.

For Worf Ive some mints, as his breaths not too great,

And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.

For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-plus;

For Data, a joke book, For Riker a truss.

For Beverly Crusher, theres sleek lingerie,

And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way.

And he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face

And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.

But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!

Twas the Night Before Christmas: Reckneck Version



Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer

Not a creature was stirrin Cept a redneck named Taylor.

His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,

And a-runnin down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.

His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,

And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.



That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.

There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11

Dud goin on 10 Otis was 7.

John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:

The twins were both girls So they let them be.



They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,

Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.

They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.

There were 17 shotguns They grabbed them all.



Bubba said to the younguns, Now hesh up yall!

The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.

Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,

So out they crept out the door Without making a peep.



They all looked around, and then they all spit.

The younguns asked Bubba, Paw, what is it?

Bubba just stared He could not say a word.

This was just like all of The stories hed heard.



It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin

But the boys didnt know They was about to start shootin!

They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake

That would have resulted in venison steak.

Bubba hollered out, Dont shoot, boys!

Thats Santy Claus And hes brought us some toys.



The dogs were a-barkin And a-raisin cain,

And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.

Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!

Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!



Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!

Quit shakin the trailer, Or youll make Santy fall!

The dogs kept a-barkin And wouldnt shut up,

And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.



Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.

Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.

Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.



He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.

The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.

Just as the reindeer Got into the air,

The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didnt care.



He was busy lookin At all his new toys.

Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:

Go check on yer Maw, Make sure shes all right.

That roof fallin on her Could-a hurt just a might.



But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.

They fixed up the trailer It looked good as new.

And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,

But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!



Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.

And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!

A redneck couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son to college. Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee. When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it home with a note that read: Do you like the photo? Do you think it makes me look like a count?

You idiot! His father wrote back. Here we are spending a fortune on your education and you cant even SPELL!

101 Reasons why women prefer cucumbers to Men

1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.

2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.

3. Cucumbers wont tell you size doesnt count.

4. Cucumbers dont get too excited.

5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.

6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.

7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket…. and you know how firm it is before you take it home.

8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.

9. With a cucumber you can get a single room…. and you wont have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.

10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.

11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber…. and see the movie.

12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber…. and you can stay in the front seat.

13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.

14. A cucumber wont eat all the popcorn…. or send you out for Milk Duds.

15. A cucumber wont drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.

16. A cucumber wont ask: Am I the first?.

17. A cucumber doesnt care if youre a virgin.

18. Cucumbers wont tell other cucumbers youre a virgin.

19. Cucumbers wont tell anyone youre not a virgin anymore.

20. With a cucumber you dont have to be a virgin more than once.

21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.

22. Cucumbers wont pout if you have a headache.

23. Cucumbers wont care what time of the month it is.

24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.

25. Cucumbers wont give it up for Lent.

26. With a cucumber you never have to say youre sorry.

27. Afterwards, a cucumber wont: …want to shake hands and be friends.

28. …say, Ill call you a cab.

29. …tell you hes not the marrying kind.

30. …tell you he is the marrying kind.

31. …call his ex-wife or therapist.

32. …take you to confession.

33. Cucumbers dont leave you wondering for a month.

34. Cucumbers wont make you go to the drugstore.

35. Cucumbers wont tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.

36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.

37. A cucumber wont work your crossword with ink.

38. A cucumber isnt allergic to your cat.

39. With a cucumber you dont have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.

40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.

41. A cucumber wont eat all your food or drink all your liquor.

42. A cucumber doesnt turn your bathroom into a library.

43. A cucumber wont go through your medicine chest.

44. A cucumber doesnt use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.

45. Cucumbers wont leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.

46. Cucumbers wont write your name and number on the mens room wall.

47. Cucumbers dont have sex hangups.

48. Cucumbers wont make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.

49. Cucumbers arent into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.

50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.

51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.

52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.

53. Cucumbers wont ask: Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?

54. Cucumbers arent jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.

55. A cucumber wont want to join your sports group.

56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.

57. Cucumbers arent into meaningful conversations.

58. Cucumbers wont ask about your Last Lover…. or speculate about your next one.

59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.

60. A cucumber wont mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.

61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.

62. Cucumbers dont leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.

63. A cucumber wont give you a hickey.

64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night…. and you wont have to sleep on the wet spot.

65. Cucumbers dont leave dirty shorts on the floor.

66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.

67. A cucumber doesnt flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.

68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.

69. Cucumbers dont compare you to a center fold.

70. Cucumbers dont count to 10.

71. Cucumbers dont tell you they liked you better with long hair.

72. A cucumber will never leave you … …for another woman.

73. …for another man.

74. …for another cucumber.

75. A cucumber will never call and say I have to work late, Honey, and then come home smelling like another woman.

76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.

77. You always know where a cucumber has been.

78. A cucumber never has to call the wife.

79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.

80. A cucumber wont leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.

81. Cucumbers dont play the guitar and try to find themselves.

82. You wont find out later that your cucumber … …is married.

83. …is on penicillin.

84. …likes you – but loves your brother.

85. A cucumber doesnt have softball practice on the day you move.

86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.

87. A cucumber wont ask for a promotion just when youre up for a promotion.

88. Cucumbers dont care if you make more money than they do.

89. Cucumbers wont wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.

90. A cucumber wont leave town on New Years Eve.

91. A cucumber wont take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.

92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.

93. A cucumber doesnt care if you always spent the holidays with your family.

94. A cucumber wont ask to be put through Med School.

95. A cucumber wont tell you hes outgrown you intellectually.

96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.

97. Cucumbers dont say Lets keep trying until we have a boy.

98. A cucumber wont insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian.

99. Its easy to drop a cucumber.

100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.

101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.

Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would get their brains thinking.

In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
Dreading all those exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldnt study.

Some pizza might help,
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

Id pretty much concluded
Life is unfair and cruel,
Since our futures all depend
On grades made in school.

When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off
Ambled inside.

Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She looked at the mess
And started to bellow:

Why should us students
Make such a fuss,
About what those teachers
Toss out to us?

On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Years Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!

Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.

Your teachers wont flunk you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test.

An absolute masterpiece of Santa Claus is coming to town translated into Unix Shell Script.

better watchout
better !cry
better !pout
lpr why
santaclaus town

cat >list /etc/passwd
ncheck list
ncheck list
grep >nogiftlist naughty list
grep >giftlist nice list
santaclaus town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | grep bad|good
for (goodness sake) {be good}