10 ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer:

The monitor is up on blocks
Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them
The six front keys have rotted out
The extra RAM slots have Dodge Truck parts stored in them
The numeric keypad only goes up to six
The password is BUBBA
Theres a gun rack mounted on the CPU
Theres a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive
The keyboard is camouflaged
And, the best way to tell if a REDNECK has been working on a
computer is… The Mouse is referred to as a Critter

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. Thats right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity

MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework

MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques

MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am

MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesnt End with Conception

EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook

EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II

ECO 001 Whats Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When Youre Wrong

MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence

MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex

MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

ECO 002 What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It

SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If Its Awake, Take a Shower

SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex

MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children

MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

MEN 213 Honest, You Dont Look Like Tom Cruise

MEN 230 Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important Part 1

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)

MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary

MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions

MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

MEN 231 Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important Part 2

Electives:

EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu

EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils

EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly

MEN 231 Mother-In-Laws

MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening

MEN 233 Just Say Yes, Dear

ECO 003 Cheaper to Keep Her

From the people who brought you Buckets of Blood 3
yes, its the:

N. I. H. E. Dublin, Ireland
B.A. in COMMUNICATION STUDIES

Final year exam 1989

Time: 9 am till opening time.

Candidates must not write on more than two sides of the exam paper.

Marks will be deducted for bad spelling and writing which is difficult
to read.

1. What language is spoken by French Canadians?

2. Give important characteristics of ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions or give the
first names of the Osmonds.

3. What religion is the Pope? [Jewish, Catholic, Hindu, Anglican (ONE only)].

4. Who won the Second World War? Who came second?

5. What is a silver dollar made of? Gold, Silver, polyvinylchloride (ONE only).

6. Explain Le Chateliers principal of dynamic equilibrium
force or spell your name in BLOCK capitals.

7. Approximately how many commandments were give to Moses?

8. There were six kings of Britain called George, the last one being called
George VI. Name the other five.

9. Who invented Stevensons rocket?

10. Write down the numbers 1 to 10. (Marks will be deducted for every number
out of sequence.)

11. Dublin is the capital of which north-western European country?

12. Name the odd man out–Cardinal Heenan, The Pope, Archbishop of Canterbury,
Jack the Ripper.

13. Who was the winning jockey in the All Ireland Greyhound Derby 1971?

14. Who built the Great Pyramid?–Rameses II, W.B. Yeats, Wimpey, Amey
Roadstone Corporation? (ONE only).

15. In the 1973 Sheepdog trials, how many were found guilty?

16. At what time is News at Ten?–9 pm., 6 pm., Dont know.

17. Would you ask William Shakespeare to–Build a bridge, Sail the ocean,
Lead the army or WRITE A PLAY?

18. What holiday falls on January 1st?–Christmas, New Year, August Bank
holiday, St. Patricks Day?

19. Is a dunker a :

(a) person who dips biscuits in his/her tea?
(b) contraceptive?
(c) lorry for motorway construction?
(d) black person about seven foot tall and good at basketball?

20. Do you understand Newtons law of gravity? Answer YES or NO

21 Arrange the following words into a logical statement:
BRAINS HAVE NO C.S.S.

22 What is 69 and 69 ( one answer only )

(i) 101.
(ii) ten times your I.Q.
(iii) An NIHE party
(iv) All of the above five

23 Write a prose composition on each of the following:

(i) The wide-ranging knowledge of C.S. students on computers
(Maximum of two letters. Hint WS)

(ii) [From your employment possibilities]
The role of fast food franchises in the modern urban environment

(iii) My favourite Lecture (you may not refer to the other two in your
answer)

(iv) What the restaurant looks like

24 Approximately how many questions are on this paper (Answer to the nearest 100 if you can count that far.)

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and trash on the floor.

2. Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santas lap. Refuse to get off.

3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny youre wearing it.

4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town …

5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.

6. Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say youve been very naughty this year.

7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.

8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.)

9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.

10. Sing: All I want for Christmas is my roomates two front teeth …

11. Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

12. Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesnt come to life, cry hysterically it didnt work!

13. Whip your roomate screaming now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.

14. Tear down all your roomates Christmas decorations yelling Bah Humbug!

15. Wake up every morning screaming Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!

16. Tell your roomate youre moving out. Santas buying you a house on 34th Street.

17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.

18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.

19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomates friends give it a yank.

20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.

21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting How the Grinch Stole Christmas over and over in your underwear.

22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturaly.

23. Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, he sees you when youre sleeping…

24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her I had to let them stay here, theres no room at the inn.

25. When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tellhim/her that Santas elves must have done it.

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
21% of us dont make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offsprings homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
29% admit theyve intentionally stolen something from a store.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
90% believe in divine retribution.
10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
82% believe in an afterlife.
45% believe in ghosts.
13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
29% of us are virgins when we marry.
58.4% have called into work sick when we werent.
10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
Over 50% believe in spanking, but only a child over 2 years old.
35% give to charity at least once a month.
How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
69% eat the cake before the frosting.
When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
85% of us will eat Spam this year.
70% of us drink orange juice daily.
Snickers is the most popular candy.
22% of us skip lunch daily.
9% of us skip breakfast daily.
66% of us eat cereal regularly.
22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
45% use mouthwash every day.
22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
58% of women paint their nails regularly.
62% of us pop our zits.
33% of women lie about their weight.
10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
57% have had deja vu.
49% believe in ESP.
44% have broken a bone.
Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
14% have attended a self-help meeting.
15% regularly go to a shrink.
78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after theyve used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
23.5% admit they dont always flush.
55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while theyre using the toilet.
39% of us peek in our hosts bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
29% of us ignore RSVP.
71.6% of us eavesdrop.
22% are functionally illiterate.
The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
Less than 10% are trilingual.
37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
2 out of 3 of us wouldnt give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.
20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
40% of us have had music lessons.
44% reuse tinfoil.
57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
53% read their horoscopes regularly.
16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
59% of us say were average-looking.
90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers.
51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
2 out of 5 have married their first love.
The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
Only 4% asked the parents approval for their brides hand.
1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
6% proposed over the phone.
71% can drive a stick-shift car.
45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
1/3 of us dont wear seat belts.
12% of men never use their car blinkers.
56% of women never use their car blinkers.
44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
4 out of 5 sing in the car.

From Harpers Index
Received from William Conway.

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?

Hark the bar room voices sing

Out of tune and everything

Christmas time and lets go wild

Make the persian gulf look mild

Lets get drunk and all fall down

Take the car and speed thru town

Wrap yourself around a pole

Put your family on the dole

Hark the bar room voices scream

Pass the jug of irish cream

Get up early christmas dawn

Yawn the technicolor yawn

Kids are howling with delight

You were out too late last night

Even smiling hurts your head

Open gifts,go back to bed

Hark the bar room voices bark

Wheres the jug of cutty sark

Christmas comes home once a year

Dont you think you should be there

People love you, dont be jerky

Go home, eat some christmas turkey

Hug someone and then you say

Have a happy holiday

I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe hes a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized,warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men dont even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.

On this count alone, Im convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzens rack would already Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, hed still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa cant possibly be a man: Men cant pack a bag. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened … having to be seen with all those elves. Men dont answer their mail. (unless its email) Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a bowlful of jelly. Men arent interested in stockings unless somebodys wearing them. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men: Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous – Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

What is a vampires favorite sport?

Casketball…

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesnt
   (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the
   workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an
   average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, thats 91.8 million homes. One
   presumes theres at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the
   rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out
   to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good
   children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the
   chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
   snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the
   next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the
   earth (which, of course,we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will
   accept),we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million
   miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus
   feeding and etc. This means that Santas sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
   times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on
   earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional
   reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets
   nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons,
   not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional
   reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer (see point
   #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
   We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the
   sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen
   Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will
   heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earths atmosphere.
   The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.
   Each. In short,they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind
   them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be
   vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
   centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems
   ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, hes dead now.