When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patients wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

How long will he be on crutches? she asked.

Crutches??? the doctor asked.

Well, yes, the woman said You are going to lengthen his legs, arent you?

There were three prostitutes living together: a mother, a daughter and a grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down.

How did you do tonight, dear?

asked her mother.

Not too good.

replied the daughter, I only got 20 dollars for a blow job

Wow! said the mother, In my day, we were glad to get 5 dollars for a blow job!

Good God! said the Grandmother, In my day, we were glad to just get something warm in our stomachs!

You so poor, last time you had a hot meal was when a rich man farted!

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.

Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.

Holders – The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.

Desk Jockey – When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:
– Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.

– Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.

Meetings: – Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.

Aisle Walker: – Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.

Broom Closet: – One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.

And remember, if youre workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.

While driving cross-country a man ran out of gas. Walked for a few miles in the rain and came to a house. After banging on the door for 10 minutes he decided to leave, but saw something in the window. There stood a nude couple, the woman squeezing her tits and the man beating his dick with an umbrella.

After watching for a while, the guy wrote them off as loonies and went in the direction of the next house. The neighbors were friendly and helped out in what ever way they could, the guy couldnt resist describing what he saw in the first house.

The woman laughed and said, Oh, they carry on that conversation all the time.

What do you mean? asked the puzzled traveler.

Well you see, theyre a deaf couple. She was asking her husband to go milk the cow and he was saying, F*ck you bitch, its raining!

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

A leper walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a clod beer. The leper is sitting there, enjoying his beer, when he notices a man across the bar, staring at him, with an expression on his face like he is about to puke. The leper tries to ignore the man, and enjoy his beer, but the man keeps staring, and making faces. So finally, after suffering the mans stares for long enough, the leper stands, and calls across the bar, Hey man, whats your problem?? Im a leper, you know it, I know it, everyone knows it. I cant help it. Why do you have to be such an ass?

. the man, with the same grossed out look on his face replies, Its not you, the guy behind you keeps dipping his chip in your neck!.

A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.

In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.

Excuse me, sir he asked the old gentleman, where did you get all this money?

Vell, Ill tell you, the old man began, for many years, I travelled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say Give me a dollar for Israel or Ill cut off your testicles vit my knife.

Thats quite a story, the customs agent said, whats in the second suitcase?

Vell, you know, said the old man, shaking his head, not everyone likes to give…

You stink so bad you make Right Guard turn left, Speed Stick slow down, Secret obvious, and Sure confused.

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.

When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves.

So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.

One week later, she went to get some cat food.

Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat.

So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.

Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something .

She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them.

When the cashier did, he said, It smells like poop!

The old lady replied, It is! Can I buy some toilet paper now?

Yo Mamas teeth are so yellow, her tonsils have to wear sunglasses.