Didja hear that diarrheas hereditary?

Yeah, it runs in the jeans!

A young girl sat on Santas knee. He said, What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Some hairs on my pee-pee place, she replied.

Do you mind if theyre white ones? asked Santa….

Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. Hey Jack, youre a betting kinda man arent ya? Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind. Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop. Jack thought to himself, This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand Ive ever made. Okay Bob. youre on. Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, Okay Bob, Lets see what you got. Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000. Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check. Yeah, what about him. Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldnt you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.

A man walks into a department store and needs to get to the bathroom, located in the back of the store. He decides to get there by going down the first aisle he sees. He starts to turn the corner when he sees a priest just standing there, staring. He thinks this strange, but decides not to disturb the priest. The man decides to go down the next aisle, but again, finds another priest standing there staring. He thinks nothing of it and proceeds to the next aisle. When he gets to the third aisle, there is again another priest. The man, now curious as to what is going on, decides to venture down the aisle. When he gets half way down, he reads a sign.

Boys Pants, Half Off

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. How did you do that? she asked.

The little boy said, Thats my dog! He can dish it out, but he cant take it!

Q: Whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?
A: Its ass.

There was this lady (who was a butcher) whose husband always farted really loud at night! She hated it because they stunk so badly! So one night she told her husband that if he kept farting like that at night, then his guts would come out. He didnt believe her but she told him, Honey, Im a butcher. I should know.

But he still wouldnt listen to her. So that night she went to her butcher shop and got a big chunk of raw pig guts. When she got home she stuck it in her husbands pants. And of course, he farted really loudly as usual. The next morning when they woke up her husband went to the bathroom. He was in there for a pretty long time so his wife said to him, Honey, is everything okay. Youve been in there for a while.

He replied, Yeah, everythings fine.

5 minutes later he finally came out of the bathroom. His wife asked him, So did your guts come out like I said they would?

He replied, Yep, but being the smart person I am, I took two fingers and stuck them right back up there!

A man has been fishing on the bank of a river for hours without a nibble. A newcomer sits down 25 feet away, baits up and casts out. Not two minutes later, he gets a huge strike and lands a trophy. Again and again he baits, casts out and immediately catches a huge fish. The luckless man is now watching the new guy to see his secret. He sees that the man removes a piece of bait from a jar, inspects it carefully and smells it before putting it on the hook. He walks over to him and asks about the bait.

The man replies This is very special bait indeed. I get it from a friend who is a mortician, he cuts the pussy lips off all the women that he works on. The fish really love em.

The luckless man asks But why do you smell each one?

Well..

he replies, hes a real joker, sometimes he throws an asshole in there.

Two flies were flying around a pile of poo and the first fly started sniffing around and said, "Ew, who farted?"

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, the bad news is that now that weve caught you, were going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.

The Frenchman says, I take ze sword. the chief gives him a sword, he shouts,Vive la France! and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, a pistol for me, please. The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, God save the queen! and pulls the trigger.

The New Yorker says, gimme the fawkin fork. the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Theres blood gushing out all over, its horrible.

The chief is appalled, and asks, my God almighty, what are you doing?

The New Yorker says, so much for your canoe, you stupid asshole!