A friend of Stevie Wonder bought him a cheese grater for Christmas. A few weeks later the chap met up with the star again and asked him what he thought of the present.

Man! replied Stevie.

That was the most violent book Ive ever read!

You so ugly, last time you got ass was when your toiletpaper broke!

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florists son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, I bet I know what it is — its some flowers!

Thats right!, shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owners daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, I bet I know what it is — its a box of candy!

Thats right! shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owners son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

Is it wine?, she asked.

No, the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

Is it champagne?, she asked.

No, the boy answered.

What is it?

A puppy!

Once there was a kid who loves to kill people. He found Ahouse full of people. He said oh this is a good place to kill these people. Little did he know these people were really stupid. So that night he sneak in the house. hes was in the daughters room she was sleeping. When he went over there she woke up and said stop you are scaring me. Then the kid got hes knife and kill her. After that he went in the family room and saw the rest of the family. When they saw him they all said stop you are scaring me. Then the child got his knike and kill them all. Told you they were stipid Haha

One day timmy and jane were in the woods and timmy oulled his pants down and jane asked whats that?

Timmy says I dont know?

Then Jane pulls her pants down and timmy asks whats that?

She says I dont know? so they said Lets find out.

So timmy goes home and asks his dad what that was and his dad replies thats your tricycle when ever u get a chance park it in a girls garage.

Then Jane asks her mom, whats that? her mom replies, thats ur garage dont ever let a boy park his tricycle in it.

So they both meet up in the woods and timmy says this is my tricycle and jane says this is my garage.

Later that day jane goes home and she is covered in blood and hr mom says jane what happened?

Jane replies dont worry mom this isnt my blood, timmy tried parking his tricycle in my garage so i ripped his back wheels off.

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet and gentle man but I dont think he can live with my problems. So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight. He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!

Two cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry and desolate, all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger, so the two cannibals sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing it apart, one starting from the head and one from the toes.

After a few minutes of eating, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom, hey, how is it going down there?

The cannibal at the bottom says this is great, Im having a ball.

The guy at the top says slow down and enjoy it, youre eating too damn fast.

A young boy comes home from school & his mother says What did you do today?

To which the boy answers oh the usual, I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my English teacher.

The mother , aghast, doesnt know that to say. She stems & stammers and finally, angrily, she says go in & tell your father what you just told me!

The boy goes into see his father & says gee, mom sure is mad. The father says why?

I just told her what I did in school today. I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my english teacher.

Well the father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a nudge and a wink and says congratulations — you passed a milestone. I tell you what –lets go out and celebrate. Well have some ice cream and then Ill buy you a new bike.

To which the boy says –the ice cream sounds great Dad, but lets hold off on the bike a few days — my ass is killing me.

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasnt touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him. Hey pal, is something wrong?

Yeah,… Im really depressed

Why, whats the matter?

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend

Wow, thats horrible. What did you do?

I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing its over

Thats pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?

I sat him down… tied him up… looked him straight in the eye… and said… Bad Dog! Bad Dog!