A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.

“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked.

Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground, he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked.

He quickly answered, Oh that? The dogs leash goes slack!

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him: Well, Ive got good news and Ive got bad news for you.

Give me the bad news first, Doc. says the patient.

Im afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.

Oh my god! the patient cries, breaking into tears.

But the good news, the doctor adds, is that we had them biopsied and youll be relieved to know that they werent malignant.

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.

Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!

Other bum says, Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.”

Shouting out he say’s, “HEY WILLIE, FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that hes got a big smile on his face.

She asks, Did anything special happen at school today?

Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!

The mother is stunned.

Youre going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.

Thats right, Dad.

Well, you became a man today – this is cause for celebration. Lets head out for some ice cream, and then Ill buy that new bike youve been asking for.

That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.

A bloke goes into a pub. The barmaid asks what he wants.

I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off. he replies.

You dirty bastard! shouts the barmaid, get out before I get my husband.

The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again. The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.

I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off. he replies.

What??? screams the barmaid, Thats it, youre barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, GET OUT NOW!

Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.

Right. Ill give you one last chance, says the barmaid, now, what do you want?

I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you.

The barmaid screams, starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.

Whats up, love? says the husband.

Theres this disgusting bloke downstairs! When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted too put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off, she says in a flood of tears.

What?! Hes a dead man! shouts the husband getting out of his chair.

Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off! screams the wife.

Right, hes going to need a body bag, the bastard! shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.

Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me she concludes.

When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.

Arent you going to do something?!! shouts the wife in hysterics.

Listen love, Im not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness…

A young boy comes home from school & his mother says What did you do today?

To which the boy answers oh the usual, I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my English teacher.

The mother , aghast, doesnt know that to say. She stems & stammers and finally, angrily, she says go in & tell your father what you just told me!

The boy goes into see his father & says gee, mom sure is mad. The father says why?

I just told her what I did in school today. I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my english teacher.

Well the father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a nudge and a wink and says congratulations — you passed a milestone. I tell you what –lets go out and celebrate. Well have some ice cream and then Ill buy you a new bike.

To which the boy says –the ice cream sounds great Dad, but lets hold off on the bike a few days — my ass is killing me.

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.

A little leprechaun and if I open my hand hell get scared away, the boy said. He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.

A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away.

He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.

A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away.

He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.

A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away.

Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, Open your hands! Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him.

Judge: Well, Tawanda, as I understand the charges, your man, Tyrone came home drunk the other night and violated you. And you want him put away for a while.

Tawanda: Not exactly, your Honor. He did as you say, but then hed done that many times before. This time, when he was done violating me, he went and grabbed little Annie with the glasses and violated her!

Judge: Oh, I see. I guess that would be the last straw!

Tawanda: Oh, no your Honor. Hed done that twice before, also. The last straw was when he put little Annies glasses on his violator and said, Look around big boy and see if you missed anybody!

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,

Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy : Either way, you get your dog back!

What does walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and having an 80 year old woman give you a blow job have in common?

You just have to remember one thing…

Dont look down!!