One day a man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup. The waitress brought his order out to him on a tray with her middle finger immersed in the middle of his soup bowl.

What the hells the idea of putting your finger in my soup bowl? the man bellowed at the waitress.

My doctor said the best thing for my rheumatism was to keep my finger pressed in a warm damp place, the waitress informed him.

Oh yeah, the man shouted, then why don’t you take that finger of yours and shove it up your fat ass?

Im sorry sir, the waitress replied, but I already tried that before I brought your soup out.

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steves body, Bob and Jeff realize theyll have to inform his wife. Bob says hes good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns carrying a six-pack of beer. So did you tell her? asks Jeff.

Yep, replies Bob.

Say, where did you get the six-pack?

She gave it to me.

What? exclaims Jeff. You just told her that her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?

Sure, Bob says.

Why? asks Jeff.

Well, Bob continues, when she answered the door, I asked her whether she was Steves widow. Widow, she said, no, no, youre mistaken. Im not a widow.

So I said, Ill bet you a six-pack you are!

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that hed been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. I cant walk around like this!!

Sir, the doctor said, there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.

A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail…with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, no one was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased mans blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads.

Excuse me, sir, said the policeman.

Do you know anything about this at all?

No, constable, said the man.

Well, we cant figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!

The company president called the chief security guard into his office.

Chuck, weve received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they dont belong.

These unwanted advances will have to stop.

Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, Im sorry, Sir. I wont do it again.

The company president said, Im sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that. Chucks face lit up.

Ms Jones?!!!!

I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!!

Viagra can now be purchased at a huge discount under its generic name. Just ask your doctor or chemist for the generic Viagra known as: Mycoxaflopin.

One day there was two children playing doctor. A girl and a boy. The boy liftes his shirt and points at his nipples and said Ive got two of these, how about you?

So the little girl opened her blouse and showed him her nipples. So the boy showed her his belly button. And the girl showed him hers. The little boy now getting upset, pulls dowm his drawers and points at his penis. The little girl pulled up her skirt and pushed her underwear to the side, but she searched and searched see couldnt find it. The little boy taunted her for about 5 minutes, then the girl ran home.

Soon enough she returned to the boys house and said My mommy told me when Im 15 years old, I could have has much of those as I want!

Whats brown and sits in the forest?

Winnies Pooh.

All the traffic is tied up all over LA and the man got out of his car to try to find out why he wasnt moving…its OJ again he was told…. he is sitting in the middle of the highway and threatening to set himself on fire because he says he cant afford to pay all that money he was ordered to pay.

Well what is being done about it the man asked ..to which the other man replied we are taking up a collection….how much do you have he asked.

Ive got 3 gallons the other man replied.

Question-If you go to a hospital how would you know witch one was the head nurse????????

Answer- The one with the dirty knees….