Mommy, mommy, I dont want to visit grandma today! Shut up and keep digging, boy.

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasnt aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.

Thats fantastic, the man said. Hasnt he scored three bulls?

The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.

Yes Sir! , he announced to the crowd. This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware

I dont want any bloody glasses, the drunk replied. Give me another one of those delicious crusty meat pies.

What do Kurt Cobain and Michelangelo have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

There was a penguin that was driving his car on a hot summer day, and his car broke down, luckily he was right near a gas station. The penguin stopped and the machanic said he could fix it, but it would be awhile. So the penguin went inside and bought a vanilla icecream cone.The penguins vanilla ice cream melted all over him, so when he was done he cleaned his hands and went to check on his car. When he got out there he asked the machinic if he knew what was wrong with his car, the machanic looked at him and said I think you blew a seal.

And the penguin said, Oh no, that just the vanilla ice cream.

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, Mom, I have something to tell you: Im gay.]

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure shed heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, Youre gay — doesnt that mean you put other mens penises in your mouth?

The guy said nervously, Uh, yeah, Mom, thats right. His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, Dont you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!

Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles? People say he was half-nuts!

Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and hes excited. Hes especially thrilled because he gets to play two long solos.

After the sessions, which go great, Jerry cant wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it.

A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.

The movie starts, and its the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever…group sex, S&M, everything…and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice, and most of the men.

Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, Im only here for the music.

The woman turns to Jerry and whispers back, Were only here to see our dog.

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What happened?” she asks.

“Ive never been with a woman,” he says. “But if its anything like screwing a kangaroo Im gonna need all the room I can get!”

An 80 year old couple decide they want kids again. They visit the doctor who suggests, since they are a little older than usual, some tests might be in order.

He hands the couple a small jar and asks them to go next door and for the gentleman to fill it so they can test his sperm count.

A few minutes later the couple returns and hands back the jar. The doctor exclaims, But its still empty!

The main replies, I know. I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with both hands, and I still couldnt do it.

Then my wife tried with her right hand, then her left hand, and with both hands. She tried with her teeth in and her teeth out, and we still couldnt get the lid off that jar!

An eskimo was riding across the tundra on his snowmobile, when it started sputtering. The eskimo cruised into town, and stopped at a mechanics shop. After five or ten minutes, the mechanic returns, and says,Looks like you just blew a seal.

To which the eskimo replied,No, thats just frost on my mustache.