You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
10. It doesnt take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to Melrose Place and got a Error 404 message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV–even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an Under Construction sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just cant find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes dont beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You cant surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
Lutheran humorist the Rev. Paul Linterns Top 10 pick-up lines for a Christian:
Hi, this pew taken?
My prayers are answered.
Whats a charismatic like you doing in a mainline place like this?
How about we go over to my place for a little devotional?
Hi, angel!
Dont worry, Im attracted to you purely in a spiritual way.
Im Episcopalian. Whats YOUR sign?
I think youre sitting on my Bible.
Read any good Bible passages lately?
So, worship here often?
Taken from clari.news.religion
Copyright: 1994 by The Associated Press
1. Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
100 Ways to annoy the pizza guy
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, Remember, we never had this conversation.
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and youre going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim Oh, just surprise me! and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallicas Master of Puppets CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say crazy bread.
15. Stutter on the letter p.
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Dominos, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker youre depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say Bed-Wetters Camp, right?
26. Start your order with Id like. . . . A little later, slap yourself and say No, I dont.
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say OK. Thatll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of pepperoni. Use the long i sound.
32. Have your pizza shaken, not stirred.
33. Say Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say Well, so is this! Youve got some explaining to do! When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, Do you know what its like to be lied to?
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order takers voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say What would you like? say, Huh? Oh, you mean now.
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say its your anniversary and youd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say youll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout Im through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say Where was I? Who are you?
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, No, theyll start fighting.
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didnt mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor hes fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like Great Caesars Ghost and Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town.
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say I wonder what THIS button on the phone does. Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting todays date and saying, This may be my last entry.
71. State your order and say thats as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if theyre familiar with the term spanking a pizza. Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say Kssssssssssssssht rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order takers psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebritys voice. Stress that you wont take any crap from some two-bit cant-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, Theres a bomb under your seat. When asked to repeat that, say I said sauce smothered with meat.
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say No mushrooms, please. Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say You just dont get it, do you?
84. When youge given the price, say Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say Will that be all?, snicker and say Well find out, wont we?
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word pizza. Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say Please dont mention that word.
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell OW! when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get takers name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so. Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
And finally, if any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, use this gem…
100. Say, in your best pouty voice, Last guy let me do it.
Top 15 Signs That Youve Had Too Much Of the 90s
15. You try to enter your password on the microwave
14. You havent played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
13. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
12. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back Whats for dinner?
11. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
10. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you havent spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
9. Your daughter just bought on CD, all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.
8. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
7. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.
6. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
5. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of you car.
4. Your reason for not staying in touch with your family is that they do not have e-mail address.
3. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
2. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
And the Number 1 sign that your had too much of the 90s….
1. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
3. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
11. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Yo, homeboys and homegirls, todays list is a Top5 O.L., originally published back in the day (July 3, 1996).
and Top5s Number 1 Rejected Childrens Book…
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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