You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

22. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.

16. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease, and scream YES! when it finishes.

17. DISK FIGHT!!!

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If youre sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight whenever there is processing time required.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise youre not just failing, youre getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.

NOTE FROM CHRIS: Over 3 million households around the country had to do without watching ABC TV earlier this week because of a quarrel over transmission rights between Time Warner Inc. and The Walt Disney Co., owners of ABC.

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean…)



10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance.)



9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. (I dont want to do my Dad.)



8. Im not attracted to you in that way. (You are the ugliest dork Ive ever laid eyes upon.)



7. My life is too complicated right now. (I dont want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys Im seeing.)



6. Ive got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerrys.)



5. I dont date men where I work. (I wouldnt date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)



4. Its not you, its me. (Its you.)



3. Im concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)



2. Im celibate. (Ive sworn off only the men like you.)



1. Lets be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. Its that male perspective thing.)



Now the male perspective on the same issue:



Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean…)



10. I think of you as a sister. (Youre ugly.)



9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. (Youre ugly.)



8. Im not attracted to you in that way. (Youre ugly.)



7. My life is too complicated right now. (Youre ugly.)



6. Ive got a girlfriend. (Youre ugly.)



5. I dont date women where I work. (Youre ugly.)



4. Its not you, its me. (Youre ugly.)



3. Im concentrating on my career. (Youre ugly.)



2. Im celibate. (Youre ugly.)



1. Lets be friends. (Youre sinfully ugly.)

3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.

Viagra hairspray, baby. And theres plenty left.
How would you like a ringside seat for The Thrilla in My-Pants-A?
Your illustrious bustiness makes dinner a must for us.
If we indulge in a little depravity, youll see what other parts of me defy gravity.
The flamboycitude of the fracas shines on you mightily and aphroditely.
Baby, you even make my hair erect!
You know when Tyson was nibbling on Holyfields ear? I taught him that.
Baby, Id *love* to screw you — and I dont mean out of your money!
Is that a judge in my pocket or am I just happy to see you?
Honey, Im speechless!
Whats a spectaculastically beautimalicious specimen of pulchritudinally spectacular feminifiscence such as yourself doing in a libationally hellacious pit of despicablamous depravitude like this?

and Topfive.coms Number 1 Don King Pick-Up Line…

Hi, Sweetheart. Can I buy you a referee?

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1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, Trick or Treat! Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.



3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, Top Secret in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, Its about time you got here, give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.



4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, Come in. When they do, have everyone yell, Surprise!!! Act like its a surprise party.



5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out whats wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural whirring sound.



6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.



7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and dont move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.



8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, Crawl for it!



9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.



10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.



11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.



12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.



13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.



14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.



15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.



16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.



17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & Ms and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you dont have any candy.



18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.



19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.



20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when youre finished.