A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, Your first job will be to sweep out the store.

But Im a college graduate!! the young man replied indignantly.

Oh, Im sorry about the misunderstanding, said the manager. Here, give me the broom – Ill show you how.

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he cant hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, I, then at his knee, meaning, need, then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, handsaw.

The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.

The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!

The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.

Comment: AVERAGE
Really Means: Not too bright.

Comment: EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED
Really Means: Has committed no major blunders to date.

Comment: ACTIVE SOCIALLY
Really Means: Drinks heavily.

Comment: QUICK THINKING
Really Means: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

Comment: INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION
Really Means: Knows more than superiors.

Comment: STERN DISCIPLINARIAN
Really Means: A real jerk.

Comment: APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC
Really Means: Finds someone else to do the job.

Comment: A KEEN ANALYST
Really Means: Thoroughly confused.

Comment: EXPRESSES SELF WELL
Really Means: Can string two sentences together.

Comment: DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP
Really Means: Has a loud voice.

Comment: JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND
Really Means: Lucky.

Comment: KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR
Really Means: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

Comment: SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE
Really Means: Stupid.

Comment: ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS
Really Means: An office gossip.

Comment: ENJOYS JOB
Really Means: Needs more to do.

Comment: HAPPY
Really Means: Paid too much.

Comment: CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN
Really Means: Pain in the ass.

Comment: USES TIME EFFECTIVELY
Really Means: Clock watcher.

Comment: USES RESOURCES WELL
Really Means: Delegates everything.

Comment: DESERVES PROMOTION
Really Means: Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, Its the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but Ill be damned if I didnt lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!

Resumania is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consultings parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates resumes, job applications and cover letters. Heres some examples:

I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise. (And an eye on the e section of the dictionary, evidently.)

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.(No problem …)

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable. (Glad to hear it.)

I am very detail-oreinted. (With the possible exception of spelling)

I can play well with others. (Well be sure to tell your mommy.)

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel. (A new twist on work-family balance.)

Objection: To utilize my skills in sales. (Have you considered law school?)

My salary requirement is $34 per year. (They say money isnt everything.)

Served as assistant sore manager. (Ouch.)

Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle. (So youre willing to travel?)

I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live. (And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice presidents girlfriend could steal my job. (Were glad youre not bitter.)

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. Let me tell you a story, replied the rabbi. A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS? No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a classified ad: Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a classified ad: Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, I want to open a damn checking account. To which the astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?

Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!

Im very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, What seems to be the problem here?

Theres no friggin problem, dammit! the man says, I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!

I see, says the manager, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?

IN PRISON…you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK…you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

IN PRISON…you get three meals a day.
AT WORK…you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON…you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK…you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON…a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK…you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON…you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK…you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON…you get your own toilet.
AT WORK…you have to share.

IN PRISON…they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK…you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON…all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK…you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON…you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK…you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON…there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK…they are called managers.