Should the tree be real or fake?
Yuppie Solution: Live tree, planted after use

Male Solution: Fake tree, discarded after use

Female Solution: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits

Reality: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs

Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
Yuppie Solution: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm

Male Solution: Bulbs flash logo of football team

Female Solution: Elegant flickering candles

Reality: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down

Should the tree be topped with an angel or a star?
Yuppie Solution: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype

Male Solution: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt

Female Solution: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas

Reality: Hells Angel steals the tree and the gifts

Do you fling or hang tinsel?
Yuppie Solution: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills

Male Solution: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree

Female Solution: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti

Reality: More icicles on floor than on tree

Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning
Yuppie Solution: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules

Male Solution: Anytime, just so it doesnt interfere with football

Female Solution: Anytime the entire family is present

Reality: Doesnt matter, everyones peeked anyway