How to give your cat a pill

Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, Thats a nice kitty. Drop pill into its mouth.
Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cats front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cats mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you wont be able to see what youre doing. Thats just as well.
Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
If youre a woman, have a good cry. If youre a man, have a good cry.
Now pull yourself together. Whos the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly, Whos the boss here, anyway? Open cats mouth, take pill and … Oooops!
This isnt working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
Flatten cats front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cats head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
Drop pill into cats mouth and poke gently. Voila! Its done.
Vacuum up loose fur (cats). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
Take two aspirins and lie down.

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