Old and New Jokes

1. My doomsday device would not employ a large red digital countdown device unless it was absolutely necessary. If a countdown device proves to be necessary, the doomsday device will be set to activate when the counter reaches 00:10:00, rather than 00:00:00.2. My Legions of Terror will have uniforms designed by a talented fashion designer, and will not be a cheap knockoff of the Nazi SS uniform, the roman foot-soilder uniform, or the clothing of the savage Mongol horde. All such groups were eventually defeated, and I want my troops to have a more positive outlook on themselves.3. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic rifle marksmanship. Any who cannot hit a man-sized target at ten meters will be used for target practice. 4. I will not use any Master Plan for which the final step is horrably complicated (for example: align the 12 stones of power on the sacred alter and activate the medallion durring a total eclipse). Instead, I will use plans that have a final step along the lines of push the button.5. If my objective is world domination, I will not be tempted by tantalizing opporitunities to achieve absolute power, as these inevitably backfire. However, if my objection is absolute power, I will consider settling for mere world domination.6. Total commitment is essential. If I discover that I have not truely and completely gone over to the Dark Side, I will immediately cease all world-domination efforts until the last morsel of goodness is expunged.7. Since nothing if more irritating that a hero defeating you with basic math skills, I design all of my personal sidearms to fire one more bullet than is standard.8. If I have children then grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will first ask him to explain why it is that her beloved Grandma has to die. When the hero launches into a long-winded, way-over-her-head dissertation on morality, that will be he