Old and New Jokes

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. — Dick Martin

IN PRISON…you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK…you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

IN PRISON…you get three meals a day.
AT WORK…you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON…you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK…you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON…a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK…you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON…you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK…you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON…you get your own toilet.
AT WORK…you have to share.

IN PRISON…they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK…you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON…all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK…you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON…you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK…you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON…there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK…they are called managers.

Those who think its tough to make a living as a writer of fiction have
obviously never cheated on their income tax.

Drink a beer, burp, and have sex with his wife.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldnt seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.The woman asked the gentlemen, What do you do to get your tomatoes red?The gentlemen responded, Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?No she replied, but my cucumbers are enormous….

A

is for Arteries.

You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didnt care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B

is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C

is for Call ya later.She wont. She never has before.

D

is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E

is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said Im not hungry so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F

is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G

is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H

is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I

stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J

stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesnt Jim have a nice car ? Doesnt Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K

stands for Kill.

L

is for Love. Its a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L

is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M

stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N

stands for Necropheliac. She didnt move very much, did she?

O

is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P

is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q

is for Quitter. She couldnt last.

R

is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S

stands for Suffer. Thats what she made me do.

T

is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U

is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V

is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W

stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X

is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y

stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z

stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled QUICK! Theyre home!

.

stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you wont get any for a week.

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

In tough situations you ask yourself, What would Curly do?

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

Bill Clinton has been mistakenly characterized as a yes man when he is really a yes maam.

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Hmmm… I ran a simulation and got 0.9999999997 pentium designers…

My wife telephoned me because she couldn’t get the car started.

I think theres water in the carburettor, she say’s

Dear, I say… if you know there’s water in the carburettor, why do you need my help?

Well it’s like this. She said… “I put my foot on the wrong peddle and ended up driving into the swimming pool.”