The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. Please dear, I need help. she said.
The husband ran off saying Ill go get some help. A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, Im may be dying and youre putting?
Dont worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help.
The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???
Hey! I told ya not to worry. he said, practice stroking his putt. Everyones already agreed to let him play through.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
A general and a young sergeant boarded a train in Germany during the occupation after the war. They occupied a compartment with a grandmother and her 16 year old granddaughter. All sat in complete silence for a great while.
The train went through a long, dark tunnel; there was the sound of a resounding kiss, then the sound of a resounding smack followed by complete silence, and then the train emerged from the tunnel and all sat in complete silence as before.
The grandmother thought, That young soldier tried to kiss my granddaughter and she slapped him. Good for her!
The granddaughter thought, That soldier tried to kiss me, missed and kissed my grandmother and she slapped him. Good for her!
The general thought, That sergeant tried to kiss that young girl. She tried to slap him, but she missed and slapped me!
The sergeant thought, Such a day is never to be expected! Kiss the back of your hand, slap hell out of a general, and get away with it!
Posted in Military |
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial–a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know me?
She responded, Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, youve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a rising big shot when you havent the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?
She again replied, Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man cant build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, If either of you asks her if she knows me, youll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!
Thanx to Leon Mosteller.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Two Irish lovers are sitting on a bench, in a park. They are holding hands,
but the lady is nervously twisting her hands.
Mary: Patrick. I have something to tell you.
Patrick: Well, whats on your mind? You know you can tell me everything.
Mary: Its so terrible.
Patrick: You know you can trust me. What is it?
Mary: Well, it was a few years ago. Father lost his job, and no money
in sight..
Patrick: So, what is it?
Mary: Oh. We were so desperate. For some time I had to turn … prostitute!
Patrick: WHAT!
Mary: We needed the money so bad!
Patrick: There is no good reason for this! Endangering your very soul!
How could you? YOU! Mary, this is more than I can stand!
Mary: Not you, Pat! No! I thought youd understand. I thought you could
still love me, even though I had been a whore.
Patrick: Oh! …You… Well, thats ok. For a moment I thought you
said protestant!
Posted in Ethnic |
Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?
A: Because when his term is through, he wont be going to school.
Posted in Political |
Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.
NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets cant even get aboard.
Posted in Computer |
Un dÃa, Jaimito le pregunta a su mamá:
Oye, mami, ¿qué es la menstruación?
Con toda dignidad, la madre le explica:
Es un ciclo que tenemos las mujeres cada 28 dÃas y sirve para el buen funcionamiento de los órganos reproductores de las mujeres. AsÃ, tenemos más facilidad para que tengas un hermanito.
Jaimito se queda con cara de interrogación y suelta:
¡Qué mentiroso es papi!
¿Por qué dices eso?, le reprende la mujer.
Porque se lo pregunté ayer y me contestó que era un estado en el que están las mujeres veintiocho dÃas al mes, que les produce tos, dolores de cabeza y otras cosas, que provocan que los hombres se tengan que desahogar con las criadas.
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
Llega un niño a la tienda y se dirige al tendero:
Me da diez pesos de esos dulces que están hasta arriba.
El tipo va por la escalera y la coloca debajo del anaquel; sube por los dulces; baja de la escalera y despacha al pequeño; vuelve a colocar los dulces en el estante; se baja y guarda la escalera. En eso, llega otro chiquillo:
Me da diez pesos de esos dulces que están hasta arriba.
El hombre va por la escalera y la coloca debajo del anaquel; sube por los dulces; baja de la escalera y despacha al niño; vuelve a colocar los dulces en el estante; se baja y guarda la escalera. En cuanto la guarda, llega otro chiquitÃn:
Me da diez pesos de esos dulces que están hasta arriba.
El abarrotero, ya algo molesto, va por la escalera y la coloca debajo del anaquel; sube por los dulces; baja de la escalera y despacha al niño; vuelve a colocar los dulces en el estante, cuando ve que se acerca otro niño. Esta vez, decide esperar arriba de la escalera y se adelanta al menor:
¿Tú también quieres diez pesos de estos dulces que están aquà arriba?
No, contesta el niño.
El hombre deja los dulces en el estante; se baja y guarda la escalera y se dirige al chico:
¿Qué vas a querer?
Yo quiero cinco pesos de esos dulces que están hasta arriba.
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
Dos compadres quieren llegar hasta el último piso de un edificio. Adentro del elevador los compadres miran a un negrote grandote todo sudado que se encargaba de operar el elevador.Lo peor del caso es que los compadres eran unos mexicanos bajados de la sierra a tamborazos y chanclazos (con suela marca Firestone) que se soprendieron al ver a la gente entrar y salir del elevador.
Uno de los compadres, asustado, le dice al otro: Mira güey, entran 2 personas y salen 4, no manchis mejor me voy por las escaleras.
El otro compadre le dice: No te asustes, compa, no creo que nada malo pase.
Asà que los compadres se llenaron de valor y entraron al elevador. Cuando los compadres estaban dentro del elevador, lo primero que el negro les pregunta es: ¿A cual piso?
Uno de los compadres mira la puerta cerrarse y le dice al otro: Ya ves güey te dije, ni que fueramos gallinas.
Y ese mismo compadre le contesta al negro:
¡A mi compadre primero!
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:
A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,
See! That was more than 5 times a month!
The second bull is to be sold: Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.
Again the wife bugs her husband, Hey, thats some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
Thats once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!
The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!
Posted in General / Unsorted |