In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
On a roller coaster: Watch your head.
On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission.
On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing done, there is another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution, screamed the terrorist leader, and youre going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?
The Englishman spoke first.
Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing God Save The Queen to all you men.
That can be arranged, said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, And I want to honor my country before I die by singing The Marseilles to your men.
The Japanese said, Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management.
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
What is your last request?
The American replied, I want you to kill me right now so I dont have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
Whats the matter? the bartender asks.
My wife and I got into a fight, explained the guy and now she isnt talking to me for a whole 31 days.
The bartender thought about this for a while. But, isnt it a good thing that she isnt talking to you? asked the bartender.
Yeah, except today is the last night.
I was going to put a dick joke here, but its too long for the space provided.
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porn shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he could handle it alone for a bit. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the bosss positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, How much for the white dildo?He answers, $35.She: How much for the black one?He: $35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.She: I think Ill take the black one. Ive never had a black one before.She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks How much for the black dildo?He: $35.She: How much for the white one?He: $35 for the white one, $35 for the black one.She: Hmmm…I think Ill take the white one. Ive never had a white one before…She pays him, and off she goes.About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, How much are your dildos?He: $35 for the white, $35 for the black.She: Hmmmmm….how much is that plaid one on the shelf?He: Well, thats a very special dildo…itll cost you $165.She thinks for a moment and answers, Ill take the plaid one, Ive never had a plaid one before….She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guys boss returns and asks, How did you do while I was gone?To which the saleman responded, I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!
A bingo machine.
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so
intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen.
No, its true, said the first man, let me prove it to you. He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.
No, Ill prove it again, says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. Well, what the hell, the second guy says, it works, Ill try it! He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors …and hits the sidewalk with a splat.
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying You know, Superman, youre a real asshole when youre drunk.