Old and New Jokes

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.

As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and
that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan
replied, Shoot, a little ol tower like that? In Houston wed have that
thing up in two weeks!

House of Parliament next – Started construction in 1544, completed 1618
Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a
year!

As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. Whoah! Whats
that over there? Damned if I know, wasnt there yesterday…

Bill Kennedy {cbosgd | ihnp4!petro | sun!texsun!rrm}!ssbn!bill

The young man working in the produce department of a large grocery store was approached by a customer who said he wanted to buy half a head of lettuce. The young man was taken aback somewhat and indicated he would have to check with the store manager.

So the produce clerk went to the store managers office for instruction. He stood in the doorway of the office and said, Theres some dumbhead out here who wants to buy just half a head of lettuce.

Then, noticing that the customer had come up behind him, he added, And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.

The manager said, Sell it.

Later, the manager sought out this young man and complimented him on his quick wit and intelligence in the way he had side-stepped a potentially sticky situation. You are just the kind of man we want in management. In fact, I want you to take over our biggest store in Montreal.

The clerk responded, Montreal!! The only people who come from there are hookers and hockey players! Why would I want to go to Montreal?!

When the manager said icily, My wife happens to be from Montreal!

The clerk came right back with, Really? What position does she play?

I was driving my four year old son home from day care
when seemingly out of the blue, he asked Daddy, is my voice
going to change one day?

Yes, it is I replied.

Why? he immediately wanted to know.

As I was pondering exactly how much of the tale I needed to
tell him at his tender age, he very excitedly popped out:

Well, when my voice changes, Im going to speak Spanish!

The incredibly dumb

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.

Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.

Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.

Crash Course in Speaking Chinese
Chinese Phrase English Translation

Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table

Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift

Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia: Approach me

Lao Ze Sho: Gilligans Island

Lao Ze: Not very good

Lin Ching: An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai: A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse

Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

Q: How many members of the royal family does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Actually none. As your queen I would like to reassure the people of the commonwealth that while our family may have had our Annus Horribilis and while some of us may have screwed in the stables or in the mud, none of us, to my knowledge, have actually screwed in a lightbulb.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.

After a few seconds he rose and said Buffalo come.

The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?

Tonto replied, Face sticky.

Q: What is a recent Democrat graduates usual question in his first job?

A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.