Old and New Jokes

Yo mama is like a shotgun. Two cocks and shes ready to go.

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, Theyre lookin to get married, so you came to the right place. Look em over and pick the one you want.
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the mans opinion. Well, said the man, shes just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice…pigeon-toed.
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
Well, the man replied, shes just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…cross-eyed.
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, Shes perfect, just perfect. Shes the one I want to marry. So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
Well, explained the farmer, She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell…pregnant when you met her.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cozy!
Cozy who?
Cozy whos knocking!

Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one. Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.

Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, There is another on the way, so call back later.

At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.

Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: The score is ninety-six all out, says the voice, and the last one was a duck.

Se encuentra el Presidente de la República con tres bellas damas en una discoteca: una pelirroja, una rubia y una morena. Sentándose junto a ellas, se dirige a la pelirroja:

Soy el Presidente de la República, ¿cuánto me cobraría por pasar una noche conmigo?

A usted, Sr. Presidente, le cuesta $2000, responde ruborizada la pelirroja.

Luego le hizo la misma pregunta a la rubia y ésta le respondió:

A usted, Sr. Presidente, le cuesta $1000.

Al mirar a la morena y hacerle la misma pregunta, ésta contesta:

Sr. Presidente, si usted puede levantar mi falda tan alto como están los impuestos; bajarme los calzones tan bajos como están los sueldos; sacar esa cosa suya y ponerla tan dura como está la vida; mantenerla tan alta como están los precios de los víveres y cogerme de esa forma tan dulce y delicada como usted se está cogiendo al pueblo, a usted, Sr. Presidente… ¡No le cuesta nada!

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,Seven Points.



His wife rolls over and says, What in the world was that?

The old man replied, Its fart football!



A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says –

Touchdown, tie score!



After about five minutes the old man farts again and says –

Touchdown, Im ahead 14 to 7!



Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, –

Touchdown, tie score!

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says –

Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!



Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.



The wife looks and says, What the heck was that?



The old man replied, Half-time, Switch sides!

He walks into their room and says to his wife, Notice anything different, Bessie?

Bessie looks him over, Nope.

Sam says excitedly, Come on,Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?

Bessie looks again, Nope.

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, Notice anything DIFFERENT?

Bessie looks up and says, Sam, whatdifferent? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, itll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Sam yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY ITS HANGING DOWN,BESSIE? ITS HANGING DOWN BECAUSE ITS LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!

To which Bessie replies, Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat!

In various world religions

Protestantism
If shit happens, it happens to someone else.

If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

Catholicism
If shit happens, you deserved it.

You were born shit, you are shit, and youll die shit.

Lutheranism
Shit happens, but as long as youre sorry, its OK.

Judaism
Why does shit always happen to US?

Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Islam
If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

We dont take any shit.

Buddhism
If shit happens, it isnt really shit.

If shit happens, it isnt really happening TO anyone.

Shit will happen again to you next time.

Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation.

Joke found on http://www.avaruusmies.com

DirtyBeard1@aol.com
Osama@dustytent.org
Osama182@harvard.edu
Camel69@TooHot.org
obinladen@saddamhussein.com
OBL-OBGYN@CNN.TV
bigo@peterjennings.net
TARGTME@SOFKED.AFG
Slayer@Anthrax-Fan-Club.com
binny@NAMABLA.ORG

(c) Daily Wonk Lists 2001

A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didnt know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says Hey Benny whats up? so the guy then bets him $100 he doesnt know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says Hey Benny how are things going?. Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesnt know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says Benny you know you cant just show up here like this. Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says Hey Benny how have you been? So then he bets him $1000 he doesnt know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says Ok now watch up there on that balcony Im gonna come out there with the Pope. So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says Are you that surprised that I know the Pope? he goes No somebody walked behind me and said whos that guy up there with Benny!