Old and New Jokes

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

A lady walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk where the hindges are. He takes her to where they are and she immediately selects the one she needs. The clerk askes her if she wants a screw for the hindge—she says, no, but Ill blow you for the toaster on that shelf.

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jakes wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jakes old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jakes minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?

Well, Jake replied, The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, Is that mule for sale!?

Ducharmes Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasnt a Democrat?

When she didnt swallow everything he presented.

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking Im a dustbin. Psychiatrist: Dont talk such rubbish!

A robber was shinning his torch around at some objects. Jesus is watching you, a voice said Huh?, oh well, the robber said and continued shinning his torch. Jesus is watching you, the voice continued. The robber shined his torch to were the voice came from and found a parrot. Oh, its you, the robber said. Im just trying to warn you, the parrot said. Oh, thats nice, the robber said, pretending to be scared, whats your name? Moses. Moses? What kind of idiot would call a parrot Moses? The same kind of idiot that would call a rottweiler Jesus!

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant, when applying to NYU where he now attends.

3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When Im bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I dont perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of

terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not

apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

I got this stuff from one of my friend:

Overheard at the Bharatiya Janata Party office in Bombay:

Person 1 (to another who was smoking a foreign made cigarette): You claim to be staunch advocate of the swadeshi (locally-made) movement, then why are you smoking a foreign cigarette?

Person 2 replied: Where am I smoking the cigarette? I am simply burning it to ashes.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, Ill make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and well talk about it.

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.

They again went to the fathers study where his father said, Son, Ive been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youve studied your bible diligently, but you didnt get your hair cut!

The young man waited a moment and replied, You know Dad, Ive been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair….

To which his father replied… Yes, youre right…

and they also WALKED every where they went!