(Age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
(Age 32)
1. Nice looking – preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more then he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry all the groceries wit hease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers anniversaries
10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week
(Age 42)
1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK
2. Doesnt drive off until Im in the car
3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when Im talking
5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends
(Age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesnt belch or scratch in public
3. Doesnt borrow money too often
4. Doesnt nod off to sleep while Im emoting
5. Doesnt re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
(Age 62)
1. Doesnt scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesnt require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why hes laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when…
(Age 72)
1. Breathing…..
My wife gave me a lesson the other night on User Interface Problems, that really points up some of the differences between the sexes.
We were watching CNNs Technology program they have on weekends, when a segment on Virtual Reality came on.
Looking at the all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me and said that Virtual Reality would never catch on with women.
I was puzzled by this, until she explained, Every womans first thought on seeing that helmet will be, I cant wear that.
It will mess up my hair!
Things Men Should Never Say After Sex:
1) I was kidding about being sterile, you know.
2) Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?
3) How come its so BIG in there?
4) Youve done this with a lotta guys before—right?
5) Next time I come over, dont bother with the underwear, OK?
6) (Sniff, sniff) Is that CAT food?
7) (Yelling) OK guys, its a wrap, cut, and print it!!
8) You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!
9) My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better.
10)Do you know what a douche is?
11)Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow.
12)I want you to try some of MY deodorant.
13)Im not into relationships. Cant we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?
14)Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!
15)I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !
16)Ive been getting these little blisters lately——-
17)You wanna do those dishes before you leave?
18)You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.
Maam, is there a reason that youre weaving all over the road?
The woman replied, Oh officer, thank goodness youre here!
I almost had an accident!
I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me.
I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me.
I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, –
Maam… thats your air freshener!
Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
–Roseanne Barr
I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to
someone who will leave them alone. –Elayne Boosler
If men were as great lovers as they think they are, we women wouldnt have time to do our hair. –Marlene Dietrich
If men can run the world, why cant they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
neck? –Linda Ellerbee
I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. –Zsa Zsa Gabor
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door and just visit now and then. –Katherine Hepburn
Boys will be boys and so will a lot of middle aged men. –Kin Hubbard
I dont want to sound sexist here, but I think men do make better mall Santas: Men have bigger bellies, men are used to sitting for long periods of time, and men have lots of experience making promises they have no intention of keeping. –Jay Leno
Theres a large amount of evidence saying that the mans point of view is largely irrelevant. –Ralph Noble
Men are gluttons for punishment. They fight over women
for the chance to fight with them. –Vincent Price
A bachelor needs inspiration in order to seduce a woman, a married man only needs an excuse. –Helen Rowland
Theres very little advice in mens magazines, because men dont think
theres a lot they dont know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I
know what Im doing, just show me somebody naked. –Jerry Seinfeld
Its not the men in my life that counts, its the life in my men. –Mae West
Ass, n.: The masculine of lass. –Unknown
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something which youd like to have dinner
with. –Unknown
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the
impression he just cleaned the whole house. –Unknown
A man goes to the doctor complaining of a fever. The doctor examines him and perscribes him some tablets. But there was one catch. He had to take his temperature every day. Internally.you have to stick this themomiter up your anus, the doctor explains. Ill show you now but Im afraid it will hurt.Thats ok, the man said. I have a high pain threshold.The doctor stood beind him and jabbed it up sharply. He explained it had to be really deep to get the right reading. It took several painful tries to get it right. The man went out limping.The next day the man was ready to take his temperature. But he just couldnt get it as deep as the doctor had so he asked his wife to help.She stood beind him, put one hand on his shoulder and rammed it up his backside.The man screames and the wife immediatley stopped.Sorry! Did i hurt you? she asked.No! said the man. He was nearly crying. I just realised that when the doctor did it, he put both his hands on my shoulders!
What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then hes lying.
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.
The men left the doctors office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctors words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, If you bend over to pick that up, were both dead.
One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.
The guy says, I found out my brother is gay.
The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.
The guys says, I found out my other brother is gay.
The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.
The guy says, I found out my other brother is gay.
The bartender says, Doesnt anyone like pussy anymore?
The guy says, Yeah, my sister.