Old and New Jokes

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that hed see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlins laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

This is no good, Merlin! the king exclaimed, Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect mlady, the Queen?

Ah, sire, just observe. said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

Merlin, you are a genius! said the greatful monarch, Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal short arm inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

Sir Galahad, exclaimed King Arthur, The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!

But Sir Galahad was speechless.

Two rednecks decided they werent going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic.

Whats Logic? the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater? I sure do. said the first redneck.

Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard, replied the professor.

Thats real good! said the redneck.

The professor continued, Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.

Impressed, the redneck said, Amazin!

And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife, continued the professor.

Thats Betty Mae! This is incredible! The redneck is obviously catching on.

Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual, said the professor.

Youre absolutely right! exclaimed the redneck. Why thats the most fascinatin thing I ever heard! I caint wait to take that logic class!!

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his friend was still waiting.

So what classes are ya takin? asked the friend.

Math, History, and Logic! replied the first redneck.

What in tarnation is logic??? asked his friend.

Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater? asked the first redneck.

No, his friend replied.

Youre QUEER, aint ya?

Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.
Note: topical to the Falkland Islands war.

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

One day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically, the blonde responds to her husband, Shut up… youre next.

Llega un tipo a casa de su compadre y le dice compadre, vamos a casar un león, el mas grande para que me den un premio.

Y el otro compadre le dice Ahorita no, tengo cosas que hacer.

Se va el compadre y a la entrada de la montaña ve un león grandísimo, le dispara una vez y nada, otra y nada y el león se va sobre él, y el señor empieza a correr. En una de esas el león se resbala y cae al suelo, y el señor sigue corriendo y el león se vuelve a resbalar y, se resbala otra vez mientras persigue al señor, hasta que el señor se sube a un árbol.

A los tres días regresa y le dice a su compadre lo que pasó: que el león mientras lo perseguía se resbalaba, y le dice el compadre:

¿Y usted que hizo?

Yo me subí a un árbol.

¡Coño, compadre, yo en su lugar me hubiese cagado!

Y el otro le dice:

¡PUES CON QUÉ CREES QUE SE RESBALABA EL LEON!

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said: Is this a question? – Discuss.



After a short time he wrote: If that is a question, then this is an answer.



The student received an A on the exam.

Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates… I know you havent been getting much lately…but I didnt know you were so worried about it!

1. Act out your version of a company takeover.

2. Find a way to change everyones password to chrysanthemum.

3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.

4. Sneaking in the bosss desk could land you an unexpected promotion.

5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art.

6. Go into the other genders bathroom without fear of being caught.

7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.

8. Leave prank messages on the CEOs voice mail.

9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.

10. Elevator surfing!

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

– Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxiy

Lorena Bobbit for Surgeon General.