Old and New Jokes

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid youll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?

Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny.

Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies? Mother: A raven, dear.

Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?

Mother: A swallow!

A ventriloquist cowboy walks onto a ranch…



Cowboy to Rancher:

Cowboy: Is that your dog?

Rancher: Yup.

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to him?

Rancher: Durn fool, dont you know dogs dont talk.

Cowboy: So whats the harm? May I?

Rancher: Go right ahead.





Cowboy to dog:

Dog; Howdy.

Dog: Hello. (Ranchers eyes pop out)

Cowboy: Is this your master? (pointing to the rancher)

Dog: Yep, sure is.

Cowboy: Does he treat you alright?

Dog: Sure does, every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes me to the lake to play.





Rancher is standing there dumbfounded.



Cowboy to Rancher:

Rancher: Is that your horse over there?

Rancher: Yes.

Cowboy: Mind if I speak to him?

Rancher: I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a fact that horses cant talk.

Cowboy: Well then what would it hurt?

Rancher: Go right ahead.





Cowboy to horse:

Cowboy: Hello.

Horse: Hello.





Rancher cant believe it.



He stands there with his jaw wide open.



Cowboy: Is that your owner?

Horse: Yup, sure is.

Cowboy: He treat you OK?

Horse: Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at the end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn away from the elements.

Cowboy: Sounds good. (turns to the rancher) are those your sheep out here?





Rancher is beside himself:

Rancher: Th-Th-Th-Them sheep out there, theyre nuttin but a bunch of liars!!

Little Johnny came in from school and asked if he could take his dog, Molly, for a walk.



You cant dear, Mollys in heat, said the mother.



Whats heat, Momma? asked Johnny.



Your dad is out in the garage. You better go ask him, said Momma.



Hey Daddy, I want to take Molly for a walk, but Momma says I cant cause shes in heat. Whats heat?



His dad was cleaning his tools in some gasoline. He took a rag, dipped it in the gasoline and rubbed it all over Mollys rear end. Dont worry about it, son. This will fix her. With that, Little Johnny took Molly for the walk.



About twenty minutes later he returned without the dog.



Wheres Molly? his dad asked.



She ran out of gas about two blocks away, Daddy, answered Little Johnny,



But dont worry: one of the neighbors dogs is pushing her home.

History repeats itself. That is one of the things wrong with history.

An Issaquah, Washington man apparently became frustrated with his personal
computer, pulled out a gun and shot it. The computer, located in the mans
home office, had four bullets holes in its hard drive and one in the
monitor. Police evacuated the mans townhouse complex, contacted the irate
PC owner by phone, and persuaded him to come out. We dont know if it
wouldnt boot up or what, says one of the police officers at the scene.

St. Petersburg Times – July 20, 1997

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother, How old are you?

Mommy says Honey, women dont talk about their age, youll learn later on in life.

The girl then asks, Mommy. How much do you weigh?

Mommy says, Thats another thing women dont talk about, youll find out when you are grown up.

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?

Mommy says, Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I dont want to talk about it now.

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mothers conversation.

The girlfriend says, All you have to do is sneak a look at your mothers drivers license. Its just like a report card, it tells you everything.

The little girl and her mother are shopping again.

The girl says, Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.

Mommy is very shocked! She asks Sweetheart how did you do that?

The girl shrugs and says, I just know, and I know how much you weigh too. You weigh 120 pounds.

The mother is flabbergasted.

She asks, Where did you learn that?

The little girl says, I just know, thats all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an F in sex!

1) Never eat at a place called Moms 2) Never play cards with a man named Doc 3) Never get in bed with a girl that has more problems than you have.

This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of

18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face.

Whats the matter, dear? asks the woman at the front desk.

Well, sniffed the girl, He told me hed been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his money!

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"