Old and New Jokes

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. Oh, sister, said the young nun dreamily. Ive been saved.

Saved? And how did that fine thing come about? asked the old nun.

Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.

Did he now? said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.

Is that a fact, said the old nun even more sternly.

At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.

That wicked old Devil, said the old nun. He told me it was Gabriels Horn, and Ive been blowing it for 40 years!

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers.

The bartendar just frowns and says, Look buddy, we cant have any dogs sitting up at the bar.

The owner retorts, But this is no ordinary dog. The bartendar doesnt budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.

The owner protests, Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog.

The bartendar says, Yeah right buddy.
Okay, why dont you and your talking dog leave the bar?

The owner says, Okay, Ill tell you what. Ill go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will.

So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartendar start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartendar starts to really like this dog. There talking about sports and beer and women.

So the bartendar comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says, Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him?
The dog says, No problem, and gets up and leaves.

The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartenday explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.

Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says, Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before?
To which the dog replies, Because I have never had $20 before.

3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.

The first said, The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause its got such big jowls. One bite and your gone.

The second shook his head and said Nah, hippo may be mean, but aint nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone.

The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator.

The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.

The gentleman slowly began to explain, A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an gator head on the other

WAIT ! interrupted the others, If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?

The reply was simply, He dont, thats what makes him so mean.

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the
house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked
to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that
showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to
water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet
another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the
front door of the new neighbors house, he knocked and waited.
The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

Excuse me, our man stammered, but I couldnt help noticing how
beautiful your wife is.

Yeah? So? his hulking neighbor replied.

Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her
breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could
kiss those breasts.

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife
appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the
offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend
to step inside.

OK, the husband says gruffly, for ten thousand dollars you can
kiss my wifes tits.

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of
desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and
proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes
on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
Well, come on already, kiss em! he growls.

I cant, replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

Why not? demands the husband, getting really angry now.

I dont have ten thousand dollars.

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bobs warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

He wanted something for his cough but I couldnt find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once John explained.

Ex-Lax wont cure a cough! Bob shouted angrily.

Sure it will John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

Just look at him. Hes afraid to cough!

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is Huntin.

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a critter.

New Years Resolutions for Internet Junkies…



I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).

I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.

I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily…well, once a week… okay, monthly then…or maybe…

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard

to estimate since Im not a clock watcher.

When I hear Where do you want to go today? I will not reply MS Tech Support.

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, LOL… LOL!

I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.

I will think of a password other than password.

I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.

I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er…

I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, its probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where youd least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human…to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesnt work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

109. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

May you grow so rich your widows second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.