Old and New Jokes

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like


Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact


that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.

I hate some things about this time of year. Not the crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because its the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

You cant pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating dos and donts … eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.

Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick?

I didnt think so. Isnt mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, youll be fat and happy. So what if you dont make it to New Years? Your pants wont fit anymore, anyway.

About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where theyre serving rum balls.
Drink as much eggnog as you can … and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, its rare. In fact, its even rarer than single-malt scotch. You cant find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? Its not as if youre going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. Its a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. Its later than you think. Its Holiday Time!
If something comes with gravy, use it. Thats the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
As for mashed potatoes, always ask if theyre made with skim milk or whole milk. If its skim, pass. Why bother? Its like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other peoples food for free … lots of it. Hello?
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Years. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which youll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and dont budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. Theyre like a beautiful pair of shoes. You cant leave them behind. Youre not going to see them again.
Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you dont like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, its loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, woman! (Unless it was my Moms fruitcake, then you have to have two thin slices. Mustve been the rum she soaked it in for 2 months.)
And one final tip: If you dont feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you havent been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

The angel, Eliyahu HaNavi, approached God, saying: See that man over there? Every day, he slips a note in the Wailing Wall, asking to win the first prize in the lottery. Please let him win.


God: But….


Eliyahu HaNavi, interrupting: Hes a good man. He deserves to win. He performs many acts of charity.


God: But…


Eliyahu HaNavi, interrupting: Let him win – if not for his sake, then for the sake of his twelve children.


God: But he never buys a ticket.

Un famoso torero decide proponerle matrinomio a su enamorada. En la noche de bodas, el matador se desviste y la chica mira que éste tiene una pierna postiza. Segundos después de penetrarla, el diestro le reclama:

¡Joder, qué no me has dicho que no eres virgen!

¡Pues tú tampoco me has dicho que tienes una pierna de palo!

¡Rediez, qué lo mío ha sido de una cogida!

Ah, ¿y tú de que crees que fue lo mío, idiota?

Turkey Shot Out of the Oven…



The turkey shot out of the oven

The turkey shot out of the oven

And rocketed into the air,

It knocked every plate off the table

And partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner

And burst with a deafening boom,

Then splattered all over the kitchen,

Completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,

It totally coated the floor,

There was turkey attached to the ceiling,

Where thered never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance,

It smeared every saucer and bowl,

There wasnt a way I could stop it,

That turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,

And thought with chagrin as I mopped,

That Id never again stuff a turkey

With popcorn that hadnt been popped.

Any students out there? Here is some advice for writing your term papers 🙂

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.



2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.



3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.



4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasnt started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.



5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.



6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.



7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters.



8. You know, you havent written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade… Youd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.



9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.



10. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and thats it, I mean it, as soon as its over you are going to start that paper.



11. Listen to the other side.



12. Check your e-mail again.



13. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.



14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if hes started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.



15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.



16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.



17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since the last time you checked.



18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you arent missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: Pro Bowlers Tour, any movie starring Don Ameche and Star Trek.



19. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.



20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.



21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.



22. Look through your roommates book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.



23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.



24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.



25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.



26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.



27. Check your e-mail.



28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.



29. Lie face down on the floor and moan.



30. Leap up and write the paper.



31. Type the paper.

Two men were out in the woods hunting.

Suddenly, one of them clasped his chest, suffering from a heart attack.



Instantly, his friend whipped out his cell phone and dialed 9-1-1. When the operator came on, she heard a frantic voice say that his friend had just had a heart attack and died. Calmly, she replied that he should make sure that his friend was really dead. He said ok and asked her to hold. A few moments later, the operator heard a gunshot, followed by the man coming back on, confirming the death and asked what he had to do next.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Harlow!
Harlow who?
Harlow will you go!

A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.

A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed one night. The chicken smoking a cigarette with a smug grin on its face, the egg looking thoroughly ticked off.

The egg looks at the chicken and says,
Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!