Old and New Jokes

Difference Between A Computer And A Woman:

A computer will not laugh at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-head consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to:

PLEASE FOR GODS SAKE READ THIS OWNERS MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.

YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDNT YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON FAST FORWARD, THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

Were sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because were always getting back defective merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now lets talk about:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.

PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKERS ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

Ida Mae really wants that ring back because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Maes last name is Barker,if you get our drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single pea-nut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.

Besides the device, the box should also contain: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say WARNING * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say Margaret, you know why this country cant make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, thats why.

WARNING: This is assuming your spouses name is Margaret. And not Pete.

2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industrys Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.

DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE

WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF SHOGUN ON TAPE.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B.

4. WARRANTY

Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS SHOGUN ON TAPE

Q: How can you tell when Barbie has her period? A: Your tic tacs are missing.

A doctor from Canada was having an affair with one of his female co-workers.

One day she announced to him that she was pregnant with his child. The doctor gave her enough money to fly to California and live their until the child was born. He gave her instructions to send him a postcard with the word SAURKRAUT on it when she gave birth.

About nine months later the doctor arrived home when his wife handed him a postcard. Here, she said. This came in the mail today.

The doctor took the postcard and it read… SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT!

How do you know a blonde has a bad day?

shes playing a pencil and she cant find her recorder!

Estaba Don Zabaletta en su estancia de Tucumán, y llama a su empleado:

Rosindo, andá comprame cigarrillos al pueblo…

Pero Rosindo le responde: no jefe, ahí aparece el diablo… cuando esta por cruzar el puente aparece el diablo, así que yo no voy…

Y don zabaleta le dijo: bueno, prepárame la montura, y me voy yo a comprar los cigarrillos…

Y asi fue. Llegando al famoso puente, del otro lado aparece ¡EL DIABLO! ¡Buuuu, soy el diablo! ¡ahhhhh… buuuuu!.

Pero don zabaleta ni se movía, no tenía nada de miedo… El diablo seguia ¡buuuuuuuuuuu, vas a morir! Zabaleta estaba quieto…

EL diablo entonces dice por ser el primero en no asustarse, ¡te concedo tres deseos!

Y don zabaleta le dice: bueno, el primero es 100000 dólares, el segundo es que cuando llegue a la estancia esté Claudia Schiffer desnuda en mi cama… y el tercero, es tener el aparato sexual de este animal.

El diablo le concede todo eso… Don zabaleta vuelve corriendo a su estancia. 100000 dólares en la puerta, Claudia Schiffer desnuda en su cama… y cuando entra al baño y se baja los pantalones para ver su nuevo aparato sexual, grita: ¡¡¡ROSINDO, DESGRACIADO, ME DISTE LA YEGUA!!!

En una convención de la ciencia se encontraban un científico inglés, uno francés y uno español.

El inglés dice:

En mi país después de mucho estudiar y analizar el tema de la clonación hemos creado un animal mezcla de vaca y de camello, que llamamos vacamello. Sus jorobas están rebosantes de leche, con las que alimentamos a toda Inglaterra.

Y dice el francés:

Eso no es nada en mi país hemos creado una mezcla de cerdo y elefante que llamamos cerdifante, y con sus inmensos jamones alimentamos Francia y todo la meseta europea.

Y dice el español:

Eso no es nada, en España hemos creado una mezcla de luciérnaga y ladilla que no se como se llama, pero el coño de mi mujer parece Las Vegas.

Washing The Dog



A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.



The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.



Oh, no laundry, the boy said, Im going to wash my dog!



But you shouldnt use this to wash your dog. Its very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, hell get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.



But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.



About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.



Oh, he died, the boy said sadly.



The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!



Well, the boy replied, I dont think it was the detergent that killed him.



Oh? What was it then?



I think it was the spin cycle!

Q: Whats the difference between a leech and the IRS?

A: The leech will leave you alone when you die!

Alan and his wife, Debbie, are working in the garden. Debbie bends over to rip up weeds.

Wow, Debbie, Alan says. Your butt is getting really wide.

No, its not! Debbie says.

Debbie walks towards the barbecue grill to throw the weeds in a trash can.

Your butt is getting so big that its almost wider than the grill! Alan says.

He gets a tape measure and measures Debbie and the grill.

Ha, Alan says. Your butts the same exact size as the grill!

Debbie ignores Alans comments and refuses to speak to him for three days. On the fourth night, theyre lying in bed watching television.

I could sure use some lovin, Alan says.

Debbie looks over at him and yells, Dont think for one minute that Im going to fire up this big grill for one little weenie!