Old and New Jokes

Why do Samoans have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, Nobody move! When
his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

The rich are nothing but poor people with Yachts.

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:1 – The bartender is a blonde girl.2 – The bouncer is a blonde girl.3 – I am a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, Nah….. Not if I am gonna have to explain it five times.

Why did God make farts smelly? So deaf people can enjoy them too!

How is a dogs tail like the center of a tree?

Its furthest from the bark!

[Ed: For those who are tired of endless repostings of the Sex Life of an
Electron, which I first read when I was 16, heres a different one. ]

Micro was a real-time operator and a dedicated multi-user. His broadband
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output
devices, even if it meant time-sharing.

One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked
his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that
morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy
wheels in his garden. He though to himself, She looks user-friendly.
Ill see if shed like an update tonight.

He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit
floating point processors, and inquired, How are you, Honeywell?
Yes, I am well, she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and
smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.

Micro settled for a straight line approximation. Im stand-alone
tonight, he said. How about computing a vector to my base address? Ill
output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset later on.

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8K,
Ive been recently dumped myself and a new page is just what I need to
refresh my disk packs. Ill park my machine cycle in your background and
meet you inside. She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and
thinking, Wow, what a global variable! I wonder if shed like my
firmware?

They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and
chips and a bottle of Baudot. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded
on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowledgements
although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path
to her entry point. He finally settled on the old line, Would you like to
see my benchmark subroutine? but Mini was again one clock tick ahead.

Suddenly, she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the
full functionality of her operating system. Lets get BASIC, you RAM she
said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware policing module had
a processor of its own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer,
a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. Core, was all he
could say, as she prepared to log him off.

Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the DEC and opened
her device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully
packed root device and was about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when
she attempted an escape sequence.

No, no! she cried. Youre not shielded!

Reset, baby, he replied. Ive been debugged.

But I havent got my current loop enabled, and I cant support child
processes, she protested.

Dont run away, he said. Ill generate an interrupt.

No! she squealed. Thats too error prone and I cant abort because
of my design philosophy.

But Micro was locked in by this stage and could not be turned off. Mini
stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply,
whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

Computers! she thought as she compiled herself. All they ever think
of is hex!

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
Ill make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then well talk." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
Son, Im real proud of you. Youve brought your grades up and youve studied your Bible, but you didnt get hair cut!
You know, Dad, Ive been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.
Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!

The dazzling coed sat perched on her stool, at the local hangout, as the young man sat beside her. Following the usual small talk, he made his move. Tell me, would you sleep with a total stranger for a million dollars?

Well, yes, I guess I would. she replied.

Would you sleep with me for ten dollars? he went on.

Ten Dollars??? What kind of girl do you think I am ? she huffed.

Weve already established that. he shot back. All were doing now is haggling over the price.

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is definitely and its meaning is absolute, positive, without a doubt.

She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself. Susan stands up and says, The sky is definitely blue.

The teacher replies to her, Well, thats a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?

Toms hand flies up and she calls on him. Tom answers, The water is definitely clear.

Well, Tom thats a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes its green, and sometimes its full of seaweed so its not definitely clear. Anyone else?

Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.

Yes, Robert?

asks the teacher.

Can I ask a question, teacher?

Robert replies.

Yes.

Do farts have lumps?

No. Why do you ask.

Well, then Ive definitely pooped in my pants.