A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich!
The panda yells back at the manager, Hey man, Im a PANDA! Look it up!
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
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Sep
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Sep
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
153. Go through your roommates textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldnt take it anymore.
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Sep
You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY 4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic 5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)8. What are people in Americas far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS 9. Spell — CAT, DOG, PIG 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.
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Sep
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? Wave!
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Sep
The person I heard this from (Al in the story) swears that it really
happened. (And no, Im not this Mark – you should be able to figure out why
I chose those names. 🙂
Two guys (well call them Mark and Al) are out cruising. Mark is driving,
and theyre on some out-of-the way roads. Mark is distracted and doesnt see
a stop-sign, and a few moments after he runs it they hear a siren and see blue
lights. Mark has never been stopped by the police before, and gets really
nervous.
MARK: OhshitwhatdidIdo? I wasnt speeding, was I? No, I wasnt speeding.
Whatd I do whatd I do?
He pulls over, shaking like a leaf. The cop pulls in behind and walks up to
his window.
COP: You realize you ran a stop sign back there?
MARK: [panicky] No, honest! I didnt see it! I didnt mean to run it! I
just didnt see it! Really!
COP: Ill need to see your drivers license.
Mark pats his pants for a few seconds before remembering that hes wearing
shorts with no pockets. He looks around the car, finds his wallet, opens it
up, and starts frantically throwing things out of it into the back seat.
No license. He enlists Als help, and together they search the glove
compartment, under the seats, behind the cushions, front and back, to no avail.
After ten or fifteen minutes of searching, Al looks up and catches the
officers eye.
AL: You dont need to see his identification.
COP: [without missing a beat] I dont need to see his identification.
AL: These arent the droids youre looking for.
COP: These arent the droids were looking for.
AL: He may go on about his business.
COP: You may go on about your business.
AL: Move along.
COP: Move along.
At this point the cop turns around, walks back to his car, gets in, and drives
away.
Mark pulls out and makes it about 200 yards down the road. Then he stops
and just shakes for a few minutes, finally asking Al to drive.
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Sep
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew, Age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so youll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age 7
Dont flush the toilet when you dads in the shower.
Lamar, Age 10
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11
Dont ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look stupid? dont answer him.
Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diets not working.
Michael, Age 14
Dont pick on your sister when shes holding a baseball bat.
Joel, Age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when shes on the phone.
Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster.
Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, Age 10
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like its moving.
Rob, Age 10
Never tell your little brother that youre not going to do what your mom told you to do.
Hank, Age 12
Remember youre never too old to hold your fathers hand.
Molly, Age 11
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
Chelsey, Age 7
Stay away from prunes.
Randy, Age 9
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Phillip, Age 13
Forget the cake, go for the icing.
Cynthia, Age 8
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Sep
A man goes into an empty bar and orders a beer, and as hes walking around he sees a table about 6 x 4 with some lines marked 6-10 from one edge.
Next to each line there are initials. So the man says to the bartender What are all those marks on that table?
Its a game the locals play, they pull out their dicks, stretch them a far as they can and mark a line.
This man is hung like a horse and reckons he can beat all the lines hes seen and asks if he can have a go, sure came the reply.
As he pulled out his dick its a clear winner by about 3. He starts to mark his line down when the bartender said: No mate, the locals start from the other side
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Sep
One day, a blonde went to go get lessons on how to fly a plane. The guy at the airport said there were no more plane flying lessons this year but she could take helicopter lessons. The blonde agreed and the man taught her and said, "Ill radio you every 1000 feet you go in the air." The blonde agreed.
He jumped in and took off. At 1000 feet, she radioed him and asked how she was doing. He said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, she radioed him and asked how she was doing. He said she was doing great. But right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped and she started twirling to the ground. When she landed, he went over to pull her out of the helicopter. He asked her what went wrong because she was doing perfect before. The blonde said, At 2500 feet, I started to get cold so I turned the big fan off.
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Sep
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, OK, take off all your crose.
The woman did as she was told.
Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room. Again,
The woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me. So
she did..
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, Your probrem vewy bad. You
haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?
Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass.
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Sep
Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So wed have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the shit out of you.
Q: Whats worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A: A woman that wont do what shes told.
Q: Whats it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.
Q: Why are hangovers better than women?
A: Hangovers will go away.
Q: What are the small bumps around a womans nipples for?
A: Its Braille for suck here.
Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Q: What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesnt?
A: Her navel.
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q: Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Whats a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
Q: Why do women have tits?
A: So men will talk to them.
Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They cant stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q: Whats six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A: Money.
Q: Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: Why do women have periods?
A: They deserve them.
Q: Why did God make man first?
A: He didnt want a woman looking over his shoulder.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: Why was the woman crossing the road?
A: Who cares! Whats she doing out of the kitchen anyway?
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q: Whats the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q: Why cant you trust woman?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesnt die.