Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?

A: A dope ring.

It seems that when God was making the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified! Only 20 years of normal sex life? But the Lord was very adamant – that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. But I dont need 20 years, he protested, ten is plenty for me.

Man spoke up eagerly Can I have the other ten? the monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him 20 years; and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again man spoke up Can I have the other ten? the lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given 20 years – but, like the others, ten was sufficient. And again man pleaded; Can I have the other ten?

Which explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life – ten years of monkeying around – ten years of lion about it – and ten years of making an ass of himself.

What does the left leg of a nymphomaniac say to her right leg?

Nothing, they have never met.

What do you call a blonde with pig tails? A blow job with handlebars.

Tres hombres son encarcelados por crímenes graves, todos con sentencia de veinte años en confinamiento solitario. A cada uno se le permite llevar a su celda una sola cosa.

El primero pide un montón de libros. El segundo pide que lo acompañe su esposa. Y el tercero pide doscientos cartones de cigarrillos. Al final de los veinte años, abren la celda del primer prisionero, quien sale y dice, Estudié tan duro que ahora me convertiré en abogado e iniciaré una nueva vida. Abren la puerta del segundo. Sale con su esposa y cinco hijos y dice: Esto fue lo mejor que me ha pasado. Mi esposa y yo nunca habíamos estado tan unidos, y tengo una nueva familia maravillosa.

Finalmente abre la puerta del tercer prisionero y éste sale tocándose los bolsillos y diciendo: Alguien tiene un encendedor.

Sven and Ole worked together and were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.



When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.



The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.



Then Ole goes in and sits down with the lady.

She asked Ole his occupation. Diesel fitter, he replied.



Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.



When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay.



The clerk explained: When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers.



Skill!…What skill? yelled Sven.

I sew the elastic on…

He pulls on it and says,…..Yep, diesel fitter.

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blond got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.



She finally remembered her daddys advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. That made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.



As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problems with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll her window down.



The driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddys advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.



The driver said that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to K-mart next.

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?
The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis
Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!

-I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!
-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
-Sorry Im late. I was playing with Mypenis.
-Im sorry officer, I didnt realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
-Mypenis doesnt come when I call it.
-Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
-If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!
-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesnt like cold water.
-At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.
-Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
-Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
-Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
-I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
-I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
-Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
-I think Mypenis is getting old because he wont get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
-Mypenis got out last night. I think hes sleeping with the lady next door.
-HELP! Mypenis is lost…can you help me find him?
-Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
-Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
-Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.
-Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.
-Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!
-Do you think you could feed Mypenis while Im on vacation?
-I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.
-When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang its head out.

(This is original, copyright 1989 Tony Lovell)

The dew was still wet as the prisoner was let out into the yard for the last
time. The soldiers of the firing detail shuffled out to their usual
positions as the guards led the prisoner to the stake at the far end of the
paddock. There, he was securely bound as the captain of the guards stepped
forward to contend with the final courtesies.

Blindfold? he inquired.

No, thank you, said the condemned.

The captain was a little taken aback at the difficulty and leaned forward so
as not to be heard.

Please, he said, take the blindfold. It is not an act of cowardice to be
spared this spectacle. It makes it MUCH easier for you.

The condemned thought for a moment and relented. The blindfold was tied
over his eyes.

Cigarette? offered the captain.

No thanks, said the prisoner, I dont smoke.

Here again the captain paused and thought of a tactful approach. He leaned
in and spoke in a confidential tone.

No matter. Please take the cigarette. It makes it MUCH easier for the men
on the firing squad.

(I dont think it needs to be stated that this might be offensive to smokers.)