Q: How do you break a blondes nose?
A: You put a dildo under a glass table!
28
May
28
May
Yo mama so fat when she goes swimming with a black suit on the whales start singing, WE ARE FAMILY… EVEN THOUGH YOURE FATTER THAN ME
28
May
1) The waterproof towel
2) Solar powered torch
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Waterproof tea bag
28
May
Theres no Kathy Lee Gifford Special.
Eight days of presents
No need to clean the chimney.
Theres no latke-nog.
Burl Ives doesnt sing Chanukah songs.
You wont be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
You wont see, Youre a Putz, Charlie Brown.
No barking dog version of I had a Little Dreidel.
No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
Latkes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
28
May
If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand
up? said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one
freshman rose to his feet.
Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?
enquired the teacher with a sneer.
Well, actually I dont, said the student, but I hate to see
you standing up there all by yourself.
28
May
Dorogoi friend!
Mind volnuujet one kysymys. That dvuhkeelsuse story. Mitmelt poolt moshno bõlo lugeda, that kahden kielen oskus vlijajet nehorosho. I have svoi seisukoht tässä kysymyksessä. Nimelt olen juba varasest agest saati tshtõrekielinen.
And vsjo okei. Äiti õpetas estonskit, Soome TV finnskit, keeltekoolis õppisin angliiskit, Soviet Armys russkit.
Yhteistulos on hämmastav – new language!
Kui kõik jõuaks so far, oleks kaikki kunnossa. Igat jazõkki natuke and everybody ponimajet, mida keegi govorit.
Otshevidno, et see võiks olla natshala dlja new international kieli, kymmenen times better tshem esperanto.
Pole ka vaja bojatsa, that estonskii keel hääbub – naoborot, tämä kieli teeks meistä meshdunarodno famous.
Kutsun üles kogu narodi oppimaan tätä keelt. As you can see, on seegi statja fourkeelne, aga koje-shto can ymmärtää predstaviteli tshetõrjoh narodov!
Vot milline kasu! Eesti people – ärge mõshlite enää! Future on tshetõrekieliste päralt!
Jaan-John Kuznetsov
28
May
Why did the gum cross the road? -it was stuck to the chickens foot!
28
May
Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors
Your Mother and Father Are of the Same Genetic Background
Mexicans Smell Vaguely of Jalapenos
Last Night You Enjoyed Carnal Pleasures With Your Sister
Your Intelligence Quota is Dubious at Best
For a Moderate Fee I Believe Your Mother Would Fellate Me
You Have Had Intimate Relations With a Person of African Descent and You Shall Never Know the Love of a Caucasian Again.
You Look Upon Your Dog With Lust
Methinks You Have the Odor of Fecal Matter Upon You
I Partook in Intercourse with Your Sister’s Derriere
The Acne on Your Face Spreads Throughout Your Nether Regions
The People of France Know Not the Joys of Deodorant
A Hamster is Superior in Intelligence to Your Mother
For An Evening of Sordid Delights Involving Both Sadism and Masochism, Please Ring Mary at 212.555.5555
Ryan Beaugarde is Inadequate in the Ways of Oral Enjoyment
The Heavy Metal Rock Band Entitled Motley Crue is Quite First-Rate
Your Sexually Promiscuous Mother Can Be Found in the Phone Book Under Whore
Homosexuals Are Men Who Have Intercourse With Other Men. If You Participate in Such Activities You Are A Homosexual
Your Father’s Proclivities Lead Him to Engage in Relations with Livestock
President Bush is Missing a Chromosome
The Toilet Upon Which You Currently Sit is Sprayed with a Mixture of Vomit, Feces and Urine.
28
May
Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you cant get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when theyre busy.
Climb your way to the top, thats why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, I care.
27
May
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lauren!
Lauren who?
Lauren order!