Old and New Jokes

A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said, That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I cant believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects.

Well, we were married for 25 years!

Bill Gates dies and heads up to the pearly gates (no relation). Saint Peter meets him there and says, Well, youve led an… interesting life, Bill. To be perfectly honest, were not quite sure which place to send you. So were going to let you decide.

Gates swallows nervously and says, okay. St. Peter snaps his fingers and they are instantly transported to a sunny beach. Theres beer and rock music and topless women playing volleyball. Gates says,Hey, is this heaven? Its GREAT! St. Peter says,No, this is Hell. Let me show you what Heaven is like. He snaps his fingers again and they are instantly transported to a serene city park. Theres a soft breeze and birds are chirping and old people are sitting on benches feeding pidgins and playing chess. Gates says,Well, this is… nice. But, given a choice, I guess Ill take Hell.

St. Peter says,You got it, and snaps his fingers. Gates is instantly imbedded in molten lava where his skin is flayed off in unspeakable agony. All around him he can hear demonic laughter and the screams of the damned. He looks up and shouts,Hey, it wasnt like this! Wheres the beach? Wherere the babes?

Saint Peter looks down from his Macintosh and says, Sorry, Bill. That was the demo.

Joke found on http://www.bright.net

The Gingrinch that stole Xmas
By Mark D. Harmon
(journalism and broadcasting Prof. at Texas Tech University, Lubbock, Texas.)

All the Whos down in Whoville took little note. Some listened to fear. Some didnt vote. Little did they know a Gingrinch did lurk. Hed been scheming for years to do evil work. The Whos were surprised, to find in everyones house, a fat grinning rat dressed as a church mouse.

Im the Gingrinch, he bleated. You Whos must be told that hopes been defeated. The Whos looked around in shock and dismay. Who could have dreamed such a strange thing to say? The Gingrinch, however, took little heed. He had an agenda; it started with greed.

The Gingrinch chortled and let out a hideous laugh. He bellowed and beckoned and brought out his staff. This is Jesse, Strom, Alphonse, Henry, Bob, and Kay–we have so much contract work to do today. We intend to change Christmas, the whole Christmas season. Weve got a new message; weve made a new reason.

The Whos looked surprised at the motley rat crew, but the Gingrinch insisted they knew what to do. Christmas now will mean so much more. Christmas now, Gingrinch sneered, will mean blaming the poor.

Its their fault, he drooled, that they face gloom and doom. If they had any sense, theyd come out of a different womb. The Who families held hands, grimaced and snuggled. They remembered how together they had worked and struggled. The Gingrinch, however, blabbed on unabated. He knew what he wanted; he knew who he hated.

This Head Start, the Gingrinch said very slow. It teaches kids to think. It helps them to grow. This Head Start, he scowled, is the first thing to go. Then abortion is next, dictated the Gingrinch, but care for a child gets none of our worth. Life begins at conception and ends at birth. Then he took away job training, food stamps, and student loans. He heard all the pain; the Gingrinch liked to hear groans.

Now lets give to the rich; theyve got it already. It keeps my campaign contributions rolling in steady. And Im tough on crime, thats what Im sellin – excepting, of course, those poor S&L felons. Remember that I want to keep you all free. Lets start by making you pray like me.

All the Whos now were praying the nightmare would end, but the Gingrinch kept planning to borrow and spend. With each falling snowflake, the Gingrinch grew bolder, and the Whos remembered his ideas were much older.

I want noise, lots of toys. Set my mind to race. I want tanks, bazookas, and lasers in space. The Gingrinch insisted, Raid the pensions. Tax the poor. This voodoo will work, this time, Im sure. Why I even dare to cut Medicare. Ill need all this loot, and well find a new enemy or my name isnt Newt!

That Christmas in Whoville tested the spirit of Yule. Few Whos could afford to pay Newts private school. Holly cost dearly, so Whos sprinkled twigs with sage. Then Gingrinch abolished the minimum wage. Who children missed the animals that used to freely roam.

The Gingrinch had sold off the parks they called home. Belching pipes now polluted the water and air. Sick and old couldnt pay for the simplest care.

Yet on Christmas Eve as the stars shone through the haze, Whos ventured out with a determined gaze. They held hands and sung, Who Who Hooray. Der flugel. Der flugel. Callou and callay. Welcome Christmas. Christmas Day. Bahoo Dore. Sing of cheer. Sing of whos far and near. Sing of whos no longer fearing. The Gingrinch is going, election day is nearing.

An Alaskan woman having car trouble pulls her Station Wagon into the local Exxon service station and has it looked over.

The Chillyland mechanic from under the hood says: Maam it looks like you blew a seal.

The Alaskan woman replies wiping her face: No, its just Mayonaise.

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom…so the man stands up to let her out.

She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

The man, a little tired of jumping up so often…asks her: You keep sneezing, whats the problem?

The woman replies: I have a rare condition…every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.

He says, Oh… what are you taking for it?

She says: Pepper.

Top ten reasons why owning a plumbing contracting business is similar to running a bordello …

Most service work by employees is done either while kneeling, or while flat on their backs.

While on the job, most employees have their butt cracks, bare midriff, and other parts of their anatomy exposed.

When a customer hires you, they know up front theyre going to pay through the nose.

Unless theyve been through the process before, your customer tends to be very nervous initially, then accepting and even enjoying whats taking place during, and in the end, usually feel relaxed, and feel like that theyve gotten their moneys worth.

If they dont feel theyve gotten their moneys worth, the response is universally the same: Ive been screwed!

The government, from local law enforcement to EPA to Public Health and everyone in between, is determined to drive you out of business with nit-picking regulations and stupid laws which criminalize innocent behavior.

Depending on the geographic location of your business, and the nature and predisposition of local officials, on rare occasions distasteful but necessary small bribes must be paid to grease the wheels of expediency, in order to stay in business.

After a long, hard days work, most employees take a long, very hot, hard-scrubbing shower to remove the offal and residues off their bodies thats been put there from doing their difficult and smelly jobs all day long.

A lot of the service work done is paid for in cash, and some of it is even declared as taxable income.

No matter how well you do your job, the public-at-large still looks down their noses at you because of the stereotype of your occupation being a less-than-desirable one to make an honest living at, never giving you the respect you deserve as a committed, dedicated professional, even though most of them at some time during their lifetime will make use of the services you provide.

This jokes about the Jewish orthodox, conservative and reform movements. You have to know a bit about them in order to fully appreciate it.

How do you tell if youre at an orthodox, conservative or reform wedding??

At the orthodox wedding, the brides mother is pregnant.
At the conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant.
At the reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant.

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, How do these represent Christmas?

Theyre Carols.

Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None. They screw in hotel rooms.

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesnt come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But… if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesnt appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.