Old and New Jokes

A cat dies and goes to heaven.

God meets him at the gate and says, You have been a good cat all these years. You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.

Well, said the cat, I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.

Say no more, says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat.

All our life, the mice say, weve had to run. Cats, dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had roller skates, we wouldnt have to run any more.

God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, How are you doing? Are you happy here?

Never been happier, says the cat, stretching and yawning. And those meals on wheels youve been sending over are great.

Cierto día, Fidel Castro recibe un paquete enviado desde Miami. Cuando lo abre, observa que dentro del paquete hay sal, un mapa de Cuba y una foto de Michael Jackson. Confundido por el propósito del paquete, se dirige a Raúl, quien tampoco puede contestarle. Inmediatamente después busca a los profesores más sabios de Cuba para interpretarlo. Para su frustración tampoco éstos supieron.

Al otro día, le promete la mitad de Cuba a cualquiera que le conteste. Nadie en la Isla le pudo resolver el misterio. Molesto, Fidel manda buscar al tipo que le envió el paquete y le pregunta:

Óyeme, ¿qué tú quieres decir con esto?

Muy fácil, chico. La sal, el mapa y la foto de Michael Jackson: ¡Sal de Cuba, maricón!

Top 10 Reasons For Being Irish

The Guinness is great
The crack is great
You wont get in a crack unless you marry them
You cant have sex with a condom on
Thus you must have sex without one on
No one can ever remember the night before
If you dont agree with me Ill blow you up
The stew is great
The Murphys is great
Er…Best pop down the pub and have a think

2 Cold Street

North Pole, Canada

H0H 0H0



I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from The Twelve Days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with VD from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my butt in bird crap.



On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumbass Newfoundlanders have re-scheduled Christmas for the 5th of February.



Sincerely,

Santa

A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.

The wive says, I dont want to go hunting because its cold out, and Ive never been butt fucked before, so I think Ill go with the blowjob.

So shes down there doing her thing and suddenly she says, your dick tastes like shit!

The guy says, yeah, the dog didnt want to go hunting either.

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, Yellow, blue, black. One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, Black, black, black.

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!. One of the nuns spoke up: Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.

Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should wear any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the parrots house.

They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, Straight, Straight, Curly!

What did Snow White say when the photographer said her photos were

done?

I knew some day my prints would come!

Q. How do you know when your staying in an Alabama hotel?

A. When you call the front desk and say Ive gotta leak in my sink and the person at the desk says go ahead.

Youve all seen the sentimental MasterCard commercials. Well, finally there is a MasterCard commercial targeted just for men:

(No offense ladies – just enjoy it for what its worth)

Cover charge:

$15.00

Round of drinks:

23.00

Table dance:

$30.00

Another round of drinks:

$23.00

Couch dance and tips:

$50.00

A round of shots:

$34.00

Private dance in your hotel room:

$300.00

Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:

PRICELESS!

There are some things that money cant buy.

For everything else, theres MasterCard.